F.O.G. - Clouding The Setting Of Effective Boundaries

I am glad that you are taking control to alleviate the unhealthy dynamics. From previous posts on this site, you have much to contribute to relationships with people who respect your needs and reciprocate. 

I noted the paragraph you have quoted . I thought it was well expressed, yet it remains that the challenges of setting out such boundaries would seem complex. 

Thank you - I have found that article useful.

I thought an important area of observation shared there (so neatly expressed) was:

"In the realm of relationships, particularly for adults on the autism spectrum, navigating boundaries takes on a nuanced and complex dimension. These boundaries are not merely lines drawn around personal comfort zones; they are the foundational elements that determine the quality, depth, and health of our interactions. Understanding and respecting boundaries in autism relationships requires a delicate balance of communication, empathy, and mutual respect."

I am not familiar with this site but here is a link

https://kennethrobersonphd.com/how-to-set-effective-boundaries-as-an-autistic-adult-empowering-yourself-and-nurturing-your-relationships/

Thank you for that book lead - I will monitor that publication.  I am unfamiliar with the author and will look into discovering their work.

It takes good will and care from at least two sides to communicate effectively - that said, it is just too tiring when the game plans are not just misaligned but at odds.

The situation becomes all the more cryptic when it begins to become clear, (the realisation dawns; not so much as the "penny drops" but more of "an anchor clangs on the concrete") that the person in the room in front of you is not the only source of the communication.  Such a puppetry / ventriloquism is an added dimension.  When faced with a triumvirate;  sometimes, the better part of valour is: to step out of the loop (and leave the other two parties to jolly well sort their act out as suits them both) ...without your ongoing titular involvement.

I have more receptive (reciprocal) relationships worthy of my cultivation to consider.  People more deserving of my energy.

Also, thank you for the kind offer to keep your scanning on for resources - much appreciated.

Talking is always good, even if sometimes uncomfortable. As long as you can actually manage to say what you want. I used to struggle to say certain things, I think out of fear of the response.

Often you will find people are ahead of you or already noticed.

The other thing to be careful about is not assuming you know what other people think. And then acting on it. This is one of the cognitive distortions, and I have done it before and been wrong. It is good to check.

Thank you for your feedback and the worked examples. 

I will think about your points in more detail.  

Having discussed a few frank things today with my household; it is interesting for me to learn there were quite a number of shared areas of discomfort around the behaviour exhibited by those others (beyond our household) - perceived as trying to manipulate matters. 

I was not sure that there would necessarily be that level of alignment - which potentially opens up a few more strategies.

I haven’t experience of setting effective boundaries at the height and breadth you require.

I have grown in confidence since autism diagnosis last December. That has allowed me to set some boundaries without self-doubt or regret. Your opaque description has illustrated your needs adequately, so I understand why your boundaries must be set in that manner.

I would be surprised (but delighted) if the book, posted below, contained an example of boundary setting to a level suitable for your scenario, but I am a fan of the author Niamh Garvey. She has written a new book which will be released on 21st August. I had considered purchasing it but will download a sample on Kindle first.

In the meantime I will keep a lookout for material that may provide inspiration

I'm not quite sure what you are looking for. I also wonder if you are applying black and white thinking to a grey area. There probably are no fixed rules that will always apply.

Boundaries just seems a fancy way of deciding when to say no.

In general you should act in your own best interests. Note that short term and long term interests may not be aligned, which is where it becomes grey and you have to make personal decisions, e.g. what you will put up with, how often and for how long in order to get some goal. 

If the goal becomes unattainable or priorities change then your position changes.

It is not selfish to say no if there is no prospect of something in return.

But note that what you get in return may not be obvious, e.g. giving money to charity does nothing for me and is not obviously in my personal interest, but I might get a good feeling, or be contributing to some bigger thing.

Guilt is an internal feeling. It is based on your values. If you do something to avoid feeling guilty, you need to examine what it is you are feeling guilty about and whether it is true, or even your problem. E.g. you might feel guilty you said no to watering your neighbours garden while they were on holiday and their plants died. But it is their garden and problem and you don't need to feel guilty, especially if they won't do yours. However, if you agreed to do it and didn't bother, then you'd be right to feel guilty, because you ought to keep your word as it is what trust and relationships are based on. The guilt is there to flag something is wrong. Just make sure it is not misplaced.

Things should not be done out of fear. It breeds resentment as you are not doing it of your own free will. If you fear losing your job it does not really motivate you and you don't enjoy it as much. You should do something because you want to, or it is in your interest.

Obligation is more tricky. You are legally obliged to have insurance for you car, but as long as you buy into the values behind that it is OK.

If you are the head of some society you have an obligation to attend monthly meetings. But if you don't want to then you can  resign the position. But this may reduce status, or have other effects that may not be in you interests.

Putting all this together, it means in any situation you may have competing requirements and you have to make a call on a case by case basis.

But you can also decide you will never do certain things and accept the consequences.