• Replies 8 replies
  • Subscribers 6 subscribers
  • Views 283 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

F.O.G. - Clouding The Setting Of Effective Boundaries

DormouseAtRest_25

F. O  G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt (FOG) impair setting effective boundaries.

The alexithymia of Autism clouds the vista.

Boundaries, long overdue, urgently need to be set.

But how best to go about the quest?

I am beginning to realise that; as part of finding a way of setting some seriously effective boundaries (to reduce my manipulation by others who should, but clearly do not, have my best interests at heart): somehow, I need to learn to battle my way through alexithymia to address misplaced FOG and set new industrial-strength boundaries.

When people supposedly close to us really want something from us - that can be a rare occasion when their true, toxic and manipulative character is revealed.

That process of revelation is really tough to acknowledge.  It can feel like a visceral betrayal.  Now is not the time to be sidetracked by that issue - that reflection period must be deferred.

The boundaries which necessarily must follow; are difficult to construct and demand supreme resolve to implement and maintain.

This is one of those times when I feel some serious education is required.  

I have to get this right - as what preceded must not, cannot, be further endured. 

This is not one of those "try it, review it, refine it" moments in life.  I need my new boundaries to serve me well, first time, every time. 

I am not considering the "if you wouldn't mind ...could you possibly ..." wishy-washy passive and consultative variety.  Rather, I now need to draft boundaries to curtail and constrain the corrosive opportunities afforded others to erode my spirit, identity, confidence and sense of self-worth.

I must stop people relying upon my good auspices and taking me for granted - particularly, as there is no reciprocal support when I become the person in need.

Furthermore, the latest round of attempted manipulation being battled has the long-term potential to also detrimentally impact others in my household.  That is a red line.  Therefore, the boundaries may require some draconian features (from the viewpoint of an informed casual observer).  So be it.

One potential positive, which may yet be in my favour: my instinct with the key manipulation perpetrators has been not to share with them my "lateling" Autism diagnosis.  Hopefully, they are still cosseted in their customary cocoon of relying on their habitual playbook.  They are unlikely to expect how much work I have invested, since my diagnosis, into better appreciating the challenge and its potential remedy.

If you have faced similar challenges, have flexed your boundary setting capabilities to an advanced level beyond my basecamp / entry point and are able to signpost any useful material - to aid my consideration, education and application of guard rails - that would be of considerable assistance (to help me to propel myself into "boundaries mode" ...even if the road surface of that journey ahead may not be ideal (timely performance needs to remain a higher priority than the luxury of perfection).

I do realise how (annoyingly) my "exactly what it is" scenario is opaque.  It needs to remain so in this setting.

Thank you.

Parents

  • I'm not quite sure what you are looking for. I also wonder if you are applying black and white thinking to a grey area. There probably are no fixed rules that will always apply.

    Boundaries just seems a fancy way of deciding when to say no.

    In general you should act in your own best interests. Note that short term and long term interests may not be aligned, which is where it becomes grey and you have to make personal decisions, e.g. what you will put up with, how often and for how long in order to get some goal. 

    If the goal becomes unattainable or priorities change then your position changes.

    It is not selfish to say no if there is no prospect of something in return.

    But note that what you get in return may not be obvious, e.g. giving money to charity does nothing for me and is not obviously in my personal interest, but I might get a good feeling, or be contributing to some bigger thing.

    Guilt is an internal feeling. It is based on your values. If you do something to avoid feeling guilty, you need to examine what it is you are feeling guilty about and whether it is true, or even your problem. E.g. you might feel guilty you said no to watering your neighbours garden while they were on holiday and their plants died. But it is their garden and problem and you don't need to feel guilty, especially if they won't do yours. However, if you agreed to do it and didn't bother, then you'd be right to feel guilty, because you ought to keep your word as it is what trust and relationships are based on. The guilt is there to flag something is wrong. Just make sure it is not misplaced.

    Things should not be done out of fear. It breeds resentment as you are not doing it of your own free will. If you fear losing your job it does not really motivate you and you don't enjoy it as much. You should do something because you want to, or it is in your interest.

    Obligation is more tricky. You are legally obliged to have insurance for you car, but as long as you buy into the values behind that it is OK.

    If you are the head of some society you have an obligation to attend monthly meetings. But if you don't want to then you can  resign the position. But this may reduce status, or have other effects that may not be in you interests.

    Putting all this together, it means in any situation you may have competing requirements and you have to make a call on a case by case basis.

    But you can also decide you will never do certain things and accept the consequences.

Reply

  • I'm not quite sure what you are looking for. I also wonder if you are applying black and white thinking to a grey area. There probably are no fixed rules that will always apply.

    Boundaries just seems a fancy way of deciding when to say no.

    In general you should act in your own best interests. Note that short term and long term interests may not be aligned, which is where it becomes grey and you have to make personal decisions, e.g. what you will put up with, how often and for how long in order to get some goal. 

    If the goal becomes unattainable or priorities change then your position changes.

    It is not selfish to say no if there is no prospect of something in return.

    But note that what you get in return may not be obvious, e.g. giving money to charity does nothing for me and is not obviously in my personal interest, but I might get a good feeling, or be contributing to some bigger thing.

    Guilt is an internal feeling. It is based on your values. If you do something to avoid feeling guilty, you need to examine what it is you are feeling guilty about and whether it is true, or even your problem. E.g. you might feel guilty you said no to watering your neighbours garden while they were on holiday and their plants died. But it is their garden and problem and you don't need to feel guilty, especially if they won't do yours. However, if you agreed to do it and didn't bother, then you'd be right to feel guilty, because you ought to keep your word as it is what trust and relationships are based on. The guilt is there to flag something is wrong. Just make sure it is not misplaced.

    Things should not be done out of fear. It breeds resentment as you are not doing it of your own free will. If you fear losing your job it does not really motivate you and you don't enjoy it as much. You should do something because you want to, or it is in your interest.

    Obligation is more tricky. You are legally obliged to have insurance for you car, but as long as you buy into the values behind that it is OK.

    If you are the head of some society you have an obligation to attend monthly meetings. But if you don't want to then you can  resign the position. But this may reduce status, or have other effects that may not be in you interests.

    Putting all this together, it means in any situation you may have competing requirements and you have to make a call on a case by case basis.

    But you can also decide you will never do certain things and accept the consequences.

Children
  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you for your feedback and the worked examples. 

    I will think about your points in more detail.  

    Having discussed a few frank things today with my household; it is interesting for me to learn there were quite a number of shared areas of discomfort around the behaviour exhibited by those others (beyond our household) - perceived as trying to manipulate matters. 

    I was not sure that there would necessarily be that level of alignment - which potentially opens up a few more strategies.