Being the Black Sheep

I nearly died when 10, was given 50:50 chance, chaplain came to see me. Was too dehydrated to survive the anaesthetic so they got drips up else they would be operated straight away. 

Since then every day has been a bonus. I've not feared dying. When younger I pushed myself too hard to do things when I could. It might not have been the best long term plan though.

I need to find a purpose as I'm getting tired of it all now.

Roy said:

Death is part of life, no one has escaped alive yet, a lot of my partners work is with end of life patients, most of the older people don’t seem to fear death, some welcome it. A common reply is, “I’ve had my life, I’ve seen everything I want to see, I’m ready to go.” They don’t say it in a depressed way, more just, I’ve had enough.

You could argue that everyone alive today has escaped death, but only for now. 

I get the bit about having enough - I'm approaching 60 and have done all the big things in life that I wanted, seen the world and am generally happy to be able to stop and enjoy early retirement where I just do occasional work that I enjoy and some charity work.

The accumulated traumas from life have taken their toll and I do feel that if the grim reaper came calling tomorrow then I'd be ready to go.

Part of it is the slow decay of the body as bits start to malfunction, break down and the slow realisation that it is never going to get any better, so there is not much to look forward to in that respect.

You also get tired of hearing the same old bull droppings from people, the increasingly bold failings of people in power and the general worsening of society so there is not much to want to hang around for.

To me this helps explain why older people can think this way.

I was raised with the threat of, “don’t you dare make a show of me.” I’ve just commented on a different post, my mother can’t say the words autistic or autism, what if the neighbours found out? 
Death is part of life, no one has escaped alive yet, a lot of my partners work is with end of life patients, most of the older people don’t seem to fear death, some welcome it. A common reply is, “I’ve had my life, I’ve seen everything I want to see, I’m ready to go.” They don’t say it in a depressed way, more just, I’ve had enough.

KinksFan said:

A lot of that stuff would have been prevented.

This part flashes through my mind so many times, I say life could have went completely differently for me.

I can relate.  I was always the one who got blamed for everything.  A family outing went wrong, I got blamed.  My sister and I got into a fight, I got blamed.  I was yelled at for being passionate about my special interests.  I wish I would have asked my mum about my autism when I was 9.  A lot of that stuff would have been prevented.

I agree, we should enjoy the journey through life, learn as much as we can, be curious and kind, none of us know what's around the corner.

Death is a difficult subject for so many people and many people do become control freaks, but then I think they probably have that sort of minset anyway, hense the worries about people talking about you. I remember than one well from when I was a child and having to act normal, I thought I was, but apprently I wasn't and embarresed lots of people.

Now I don't really care what people think of me, obviously I'd rather be liked than loathed, being liked makes life easier, but unless someone gets in my face about stuff I find it hard to summon the energy to care. But then I guess that's part of what marks me out as different, I don't respond to the ' I think the world of you, but...' in the way people expect, I don't bend over backwards to appologise and "be normal". If I've inadvertantly upset someone then of course I will appologise, but if someones offended by my existance then it's their problem not mine.