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Suicidal.

Zeb

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old male recently diagnosed with autism, which has made a lot of sense of the great difficulties I have faced - my sensitivity both with senses and emotions, and my tendency to be obsessive.

I've struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for many years now and feel my best days are far behind me.  I'm very isolated, and it's hard to break out due to my fear of going to new places and meeting new people.

I feel that I don't belong in this world, and I have been battling deep emotional pain that I can't cope with, and I have been feeling suicidal for a long time.  I am getting to the point now where I have made plans, but it's not at all easy to face dying.  It's a catch 22 between facing the pains of life and the terror of death.

I feel very little hope and battle every day through these feelings of pointlessness and dread, and I don't know how much longer I can go on for.

I've been through the mental health services and my only hope is to pursue support from autism services, to see if with any assistance, I can feel that life is worth living again.  Maybe if I could find some kind of community and build more routine and belonging into my life, there might be hope.  It's so hard to meet new people and make friends.

Parents

  • How are you doing today, Zeb?

    I was thinking, if you want community AND more routine, one place to find that is on this thread:
    https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/41225/3-good-things-again
    There are several people who seem to post on this daily/weekly, so it wouldn’t be out of place for you to post on there every once in a while.

    Best wishes.

  • in reply to profdanger

    Bad day today, did some art with a friend (she is an art teacher) but still in pain.

    Regarding thread - I'm struggling to think of anything good at all, let alone finding 3 good things - at least, I can't see the good in anything while I'm going through this struggle.

    There is a fundamental challenge in my world view, which is that I no longer see life as a good thing.

  • in reply to Zeb

    One good thing is that you have a friend who’s an art teacher who enjoys spending time with you and is keen to help you feel better. That’s no small thing. Life might not feel like a good thing right now, but the only way to witness an improvement in that state of affairs is to stick around and wait for it to happen. Most likely it will happen in time - you’ll either start to feel slightly better, or you’ll start to feel worse (and I’m not sure you think that’s possible from what you say). Aren’t you just a bit curious to see how things play out? Life might surprise you with some happiness in the not too distant future - it really can happen. 

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  • in reply to Zeb

    One good thing is that you have a friend who’s an art teacher who enjoys spending time with you and is keen to help you feel better. That’s no small thing. Life might not feel like a good thing right now, but the only way to witness an improvement in that state of affairs is to stick around and wait for it to happen. Most likely it will happen in time - you’ll either start to feel slightly better, or you’ll start to feel worse (and I’m not sure you think that’s possible from what you say). Aren’t you just a bit curious to see how things play out? Life might surprise you with some happiness in the not too distant future - it really can happen. 

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