Suicidal.

Some thoughts from a fellow late-diagnosed autistic person here who is also struggling. You're not alone out there - try not to give up hope just yet. 

The feeling of not belonging in this world is a common one amongst us autistic folk it seems. I actually just finished watching a series called "Resident Alien" on Netflix where I could definitely relate to the alien trying to live a "normal life" on earth.

I have also been through therapy several times for what I thought at the time to be depression, anxiety etc. but in hindsight all link back to long-term struggles connected to my autism, even though to others I still seem pretty high masking/functional day-to-day.

Therapy and medication is great but personally I have found the most relief through things I never would have thought could have a significant impact because I didn't realize what my real needs were. For example, despite being decent at public speaking I actually find verbal communication of my emotions way more challenging that communicating through a painting, song or food.

I've spent a lot of time trying to make friends by doing things that help you make friends rather than things I actually enjoy 10/10 and think are cool and fun, but I've been doing it for years so I didn't even realize. The internet is a big place and even the most niche interests tend to have a community somewhere so lead with anything you enjoy that is a true 10/10 for you and maybe you will start to find more community. Equally though just getting out the house and sitting in a cafe for a while can help me feel a bit less lonely sometimes.

Hope this is helpful in some way. I've just joined the community on here too so you can be in the newbie crew with me at least!

I agree with this PinkLink - feeling isolated and alone at times is so common for autistic people - and we often feel totally overwhelmed and feel like ‘giving up’. But we all deserve better than a messy suicide attempt - we deserve happiness just as much as anyone. Speak8ng for myself I feel suicidal when I feel overwhelmed and can’t bear to feel ‘like that’ for a moment longer. But all feeling pass eventually - I often think ‘this too shall pass’ to reassure myself. If we can just allow the feeling to be there instead of fighting it or running away it really will pass eventually. And there are so many strategies we can use to help us through it. 

I need more strategies.. at the moment I only have walking.  I used to play in orchestras but the violin hurts my back too much and I've completely lost interest in music (I don't even listen to music anymore).  I've got a couple of good friends and my Dad... when im able to focus on stuff at home I have video games and reading books / writing.

However, I can't do any of these things when the suicidal pain comes back... for me, it's a form of chronic pain, a deep knotting in my chest and I get so agitated I can't do anything but go out walking, and my mind is totally flooded with thoughts of and planning of the end.  I'm not really interested in any of the local community groups I've found online, although I have signed up for a social group hosted by the county autism service... at this point it's beyond the fear of embarrassing myself, I need to get meeting people again.

It’s very hard to give up an interest that we have loved. I’ve experienced that too and it can leave you feeling bereft.

i can relate to that feeling of wanting to be free of mental pain. I couple of years ago i was at a point where I didn’t think i could go on - my suffering felt unbearable. I’d experienced a very severe physical illness and had ptsd after hospitalisation for that. I was completely broken.
The turning point for me came when I discovered the work of a Buddhist Zen Master called Thich Nhat Hanh. I know that loads of people baulk at the idea of any kind of religion - but Zen Buddhism isn’t religion in the conventional sense - it’s not about believing in a god or anything like that. It’s basically philosophy and a very ancient form of CBT. 
i think it saved my life - it bought me a measure of peace and also I found it so fascinating and it gave me something to focus on and learn from - it was a whole new way of looking at life. 

It might not be for you - but I’m sharing this because it helped me so much - and I was absolutely DESPERATE - I was mentally hanging by a thread basically. I’d tried all the remedies, all the relaxation techniques, countless self help books etc - and I still felt so dreadful and hopeless.  So if someone is feeling entirely hopeless I always share my experience of finding Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings with them - just in case it could help them too. 

If you google Thich Nhat Hanh there are countless free materials online - YouTube is a particularly good source of free videos of his talks (he died a couple of years ago sadly). His monastery is called Plum Village - and they have a YouTube channel, website and a great podcast called ‘The Way out is in’. 

I know you’re in pain and that you feel you’ll never be happy again. But it is the nature of life that all things are impermanent, and that includes the unhappiness and pain that you are experiencing now. Even if you do nothing your mental and emotional state will eventually change. And you’re not alone - this community on here is incredibly supportive and kind - and the vast majority of us on here have known despair and have an understanding of what you are currently feeling. It will get better - and music will come alive for you again when you are well and these oppressive clouds of depression have finally lifted. Give it time and you can heal - even from this. 

I was under the impression that stimming is something innate and that autistic people do it because they have to... surely one can't "choose" a stim or adopt new ones at will?  If I'm having a panic attack I furiously rub my body all over with my hands, and when I'm generally overwhelmed/agitated I rock back and forth when sitting, but the walking is a channelling of that energy.

Im sorry I can't share anything musical as during a previous meltdown, I deleted all recordings and now I no longer play.  I grieve my musicality and now music is no longer a source of pleasure, but of pain.

When I'm really overwhelmed I'm often very irritable and I can't talk to people at all

Yes, im feeling way too much intense pain and I just want the pain and all the noise in my head to end, I just want to be free at last.

I know what you mean about the physical sensations that come with mental distress. I’m dealing with a lot of challenges at the moment - complex grief from loss of a parent and also lots of practical life stuff that is causing me immense stress, relationship issues - just a whole bunch of stuff that makes life feel almost unbearable at the moment. It does feel like physical pain as well as mental pain. Have you tried any meditation or mindfulness techniques? Or cold water showers? I was dubious about this current craze for cold water immersion/showers but it really does create a shock to the system that really does something positive in my experience. Lots of people swear by it. 

I have had similar struggles lately, music is a great comfort to me but I've found it hard to listen at times - felt very lonely and overwhelmed with work and other things. Would love to hear some samples of you playing the violin even if they are old.

Repetitive actions can be a form of stimming (has this term been explained to you yet/do you have things you already use as stims?) so when I get really worked up I can end up pacing or walking really fast to try to work through the feelings. Perhaps spending more time walking near other people could be a good stepping stone? When it was COVID my only solace were mundane little chats with the barista at the coffee place within walking distance of my apartment. They weren't much but it did help me flex my social muscle in a fairly low pressure scenario.

Sorry I hope I'm not solutionising too much here or talking about myself too much.  Having that kind of recurring intense pain is awful. Sadly part of autism can be just feeling things far more intensely than a neurotypical person. I find its hard enough to even identify what you are truly feeling other than just "too-much". That's the point where you need coping strategies and at least a handful of stimming options. Happy to share more ideas of you're open to taking a out them, maybe we can even start a new discussion thread on stims?

Last thing - There's so many social rules that I've subconsciously formed and taken so rigidly over the years, you'd be surprised how flexible the rules can actually be, especially in autism-friendly community groups and such. A lot of volunteer communities in general can be quite welcoming as well, there's some cool ones that help do community clean up or do walls to raise money for charity etc. It's not a popularity contest they just appreciate any help.

I have had similar struggles lately, music is a great comfort to me but I've found it hard to listen at times - felt very lonely and overwhelmed with work and other things. Would love to hear some samples of you playing the violin even if they are old.

Repetitive actions can be a form of stimming (has this term been explained to you yet/do you have things you already use as stims?) so when I get really worked up I can end up pacing or walking really fast to try to work through the feelings. Perhaps spending more time walking near other people could be a good stepping stone? When it was COVID my only solace were mundane little chats with the barista at the coffee place within walking distance of my apartment. They weren't much but it did help me flex my social muscle in a fairly low pressure scenario.

Sorry I hope I'm not solutionising too much here or talking about myself too much.  Having that kind of recurring intense pain is awful. Sadly part of autism can be just feeling things far more intensely than a neurotypical person. I find its hard enough to even identify what you are truly feeling other than just "too-much". That's the point where you need coping strategies and at least a handful of stimming options. Happy to share more ideas of you're open to taking a out them, maybe we can even start a new discussion thread on stims?

Last thing - There's so many social rules that I've subconsciously formed and taken so rigidly over the years, you'd be surprised how flexible the rules can actually be, especially in autism-friendly community groups and such. A lot of volunteer communities in general can be quite welcoming as well, there's some cool ones that help do community clean up or do walls to raise money for charity etc. It's not a popularity contest they just appreciate any help.

It’s very hard to give up an interest that we have loved. I’ve experienced that too and it can leave you feeling bereft.

i can relate to that feeling of wanting to be free of mental pain. I couple of years ago i was at a point where I didn’t think i could go on - my suffering felt unbearable. I’d experienced a very severe physical illness and had ptsd after hospitalisation for that. I was completely broken.
The turning point for me came when I discovered the work of a Buddhist Zen Master called Thich Nhat Hanh. I know that loads of people baulk at the idea of any kind of religion - but Zen Buddhism isn’t religion in the conventional sense - it’s not about believing in a god or anything like that. It’s basically philosophy and a very ancient form of CBT. 
i think it saved my life - it bought me a measure of peace and also I found it so fascinating and it gave me something to focus on and learn from - it was a whole new way of looking at life. 

It might not be for you - but I’m sharing this because it helped me so much - and I was absolutely DESPERATE - I was mentally hanging by a thread basically. I’d tried all the remedies, all the relaxation techniques, countless self help books etc - and I still felt so dreadful and hopeless.  So if someone is feeling entirely hopeless I always share my experience of finding Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings with them - just in case it could help them too. 

If you google Thich Nhat Hanh there are countless free materials online - YouTube is a particularly good source of free videos of his talks (he died a couple of years ago sadly). His monastery is called Plum Village - and they have a YouTube channel, website and a great podcast called ‘The Way out is in’. 

I know you’re in pain and that you feel you’ll never be happy again. But it is the nature of life that all things are impermanent, and that includes the unhappiness and pain that you are experiencing now. Even if you do nothing your mental and emotional state will eventually change. And you’re not alone - this community on here is incredibly supportive and kind - and the vast majority of us on here have known despair and have an understanding of what you are currently feeling. It will get better - and music will come alive for you again when you are well and these oppressive clouds of depression have finally lifted. Give it time and you can heal - even from this. 

I was under the impression that stimming is something innate and that autistic people do it because they have to... surely one can't "choose" a stim or adopt new ones at will?  If I'm having a panic attack I furiously rub my body all over with my hands, and when I'm generally overwhelmed/agitated I rock back and forth when sitting, but the walking is a channelling of that energy.

Im sorry I can't share anything musical as during a previous meltdown, I deleted all recordings and now I no longer play.  I grieve my musicality and now music is no longer a source of pleasure, but of pain.

When I'm really overwhelmed I'm often very irritable and I can't talk to people at all

Yes, im feeling way too much intense pain and I just want the pain and all the noise in my head to end, I just want to be free at last.