Limerence.

I think Freud based Oedipus on this. It's a human feature...at the core is a desire to be connected. However, those with a heightened sensory awareness will be impacted to a greater intensity. And if you're immature, whether at 2 or 20, you might exhibit a difficulty with paradox, gradience, allowing room for growth and so on (thus appearing B&W). Idealising an "Other" is also something we must all learn to grow out of. Don't meet your heroes. When we hold someone to extreme measures, the fall from grace is steep. It's practical to not make gods of mortals.

To a degree, psychology has told us for at least a century that it's "Typical" to filter out unwanted noise, to desensitise and this includes emotional distance between others and myself. Limerence can be set in contrast to this. In fact, Jung would talk about the process of finding the individual self, as one becomes so removed as part of what is Typical for "maturing" into adulthood. 

It seems to me, limerence is really just a later-in-life in many cases of coming to terms with undisciplined control issues that we're now thrust into. There's a lot more to this on SO many levels. I'd encourage anyone dealing with it to read Erich Fromm's Art of Loving. Yes, the heart wants what it wants, but cannot just have what it wants. We need to learn to love and invest in another while still affording them freedom and agency, this may just mean crying through the process. It's not something to extract from alone. And things which resonate in our core where we're most vulnerable might never truly heal.

Whereas what's Typical is ending up in the psychologists office for an inability to be vulnerable enough to feel this intensely about anything. U2's Numb is a good explanation of this. 

That said, PTSD and limerence is a whole other level. And one I'll sit out. x

Thanks Bunny. 

Shardovan said:

Oh, I posted something, then made a tiny edit  and now it's disappeared. Perhaps just as well, it was maybe a bit too personal and over-share-y.

This is (still) happening all too often, but now without any indication as to what just happened (as opposed to getting alerts that tell us).

In fact, thanks to the wonderful (= sarcasm), automated spam filter, your edit has caused your post to go into a moderation queue. It should appear sooner or later, after the moderation team has reviewed it.

Oh, I posted something, then made a tiny edit  and now it's disappeared. Perhaps just as well, it was maybe a bit too personal and over-share-y. 

I've been on the receiving end of its damage, from someone who in hindsight I now recognise to have been partly at the mercy of internal chaotic, narcisistic  forces, but also wielded with a precise wilful cruel at strategic moments and with increased visciousness towards the end of the relationship. They knew how vulnerable I was, sold me a lie, rode the limerance wave (misrepresenting it the whole time) to feed their supply, get my most vulnerable disclosures, broke my heart, got me gaslighting myself, and wanting to die, then discarded me like an old toy having promised the world to my (initial, then compromised) disbelief. The moment I allowed myself to belief in the encouraged 'equal footing' was the moment of discard. Limerance for them had faded, and their vampiric thirst took them on to fresh victims. I hope to god for their sake they were more robust and worldly wise than I was. Recovery has been slow, (without therapy I dread to think what state I'd be in - probably jobless and devoid of hope) and would have been way more so had genuine love from someone equally damaged by their own vampire not come my way in more recent times. Trust grew slowly between us, wariness of limerance eventually yielding to recognition that mutual nurture, not disguised poison from one side, was at the heart of things. And now something blossoms where only weeds once grew. 

I'm not, of course, saying that limerance is always weaponised. Especially if its experience-er is only able to love(?) 'from afar'. It can also be benignly navigated too if two people honour a mutual duty of care as things wind down, transmute. But in the wrong hands, limerance can be the portal to narcisistic supply, its catastrophic effects camoflageing a smirk as a smile until it's too late, and disintegration of the chosen victim (the more compliant and gullible the better) is pretty much certain. Survivable? Not always. In my case... just. And I'm so glad to have had the most contrastive miracle from the most wonderful person unexpectedly speed up what otherwise might never have come... a return to the 'myself' I remember. Or as close as I'll ever get. They tell me I have done the same for them. I am beyond grateful. 

Somebody I met the other day responded to my answer to his question with, “I didn’t ask for that information”. So in possibly a non autistic style I am going to respond to this one with

I DIDN’T ASK FOR THAT INFORMATION! 

Bunny said:

My understanding is that limerence hasn’t been studied in the context of autism, and is not an autistic trait.

This article may be of interest:

https://neurolaunch.com/limerence-autism/

anecdotal evidence and clinical observations suggest that autistic individuals may be particularly susceptible to experiencing limerence.

It is very much in line with what you have said but looks further into the compex intertwining of the two.

Dear Bunny.....perhaps we have found some congruence......FINALLY.......I note that "Blue" has zero points.

Blue said:

anyone have any advice

Get professional help. As Gandal once said "this foe is beyond any of you".

With terms like involuntary, dependency and inability to control being used, it seem clear that self help is unlikely to work.

Get a therapist with skills in the area you need here. Interview them before going with them to make sure they understand the subject and have treated (successfully) those with the issue before.

I can only guess at the techniques required here but it seems complex and potentially damaging to get wrong so it is not job for relying on the advice of randoms off the internet.

If it within your budget to get a psychtherapist? I wound imagine seeing a psychiatrist initially may be the best option as they can assess and refer you with a much higher skill level than your GP and even prescribe medication if it is beneficial.

I'll step back from this now - Gandalf was right.

Hi and welcome to the community.

Did that quote come from an AI chatbot, by any chance? (I notice you didn’t state the source, and I can’t find it online).

Blue said:

limerence often coexists with conditions like Autism

My understanding is that limerence hasn’t been studied in the context of autism, and is not an autistic trait. However, our autistic traits of repetitive and restrictive behaviours can manifest themselves, among other ways, in fixations on certain individuals. Which explains why limerence can often get associated with autism, especially on social media.