Limerence.

I've been on the receiving end of its damage, from someone who in hindsight I now recognise to have been partly at the mercy of internal chaotic, narcisistic  forces, but also wielded with a precise wilful cruel at strategic moments and with increased visciousness towards the end of the relationship. They knew how vulnerable I was, sold me a lie, rode the limerance wave (misrepresenting it the whole time) to feed their supply, get my most vulnerable disclosures, broke my heart, got me gaslighting myself, and wanting to die, then discarded me like an old toy having promised the world to my (initial, then compromised) disbelief. The moment I allowed myself to belief in the encouraged 'equal footing' was the moment of discard. Limerance for them had faded, and their vampiric thirst took them on to fresh victims. I hope to god for their sake they were more robust and worldly wise than I was. Recovery has been slow, (without therapy I dread to think what state I'd be in - probably jobless and devoid of hope) and would have been way more so had genuine love from someone equally damaged by their own vampire not come my way in more recent times. Trust grew slowly between us, wariness of limerance eventually yielding to recognition that mutual nurture, not disguised poison from one side, was at the heart of things. And now something blossoms where only weeds once grew. 

I'm not, of course, saying that limerance is always weaponised. Especially if its experience-er is only able to love(?) 'from afar'. It can also be benignly navigated too if two people honour a mutual duty of care as things wind down, transmute. But in the wrong hands, limerance can be the portal to narcisistic supply, its catastrophic effects camoflageing a smirk as a smile until it's too late, and disintegration of the chosen victim (the more compliant and gullible the better) is pretty much certain. Survivable? Not always. In my case... just. And I'm so glad to have had the most contrastive miracle from the most wonderful person unexpectedly speed up what otherwise might never have come... a return to the 'myself' I remember. Or as close as I'll ever get. They tell me I have done the same for them. I am beyond grateful. 

I've been on the receiving end of its damage, from someone who in hindsight I now recognise to have been partly at the mercy of internal chaotic, narcisistic  forces, but also wielded with a precise wilful cruel at strategic moments and with increased visciousness towards the end of the relationship. They knew how vulnerable I was, sold me a lie, rode the limerance wave (misrepresenting it the whole time) to feed their supply, get my most vulnerable disclosures, broke my heart, got me gaslighting myself, and wanting to die, then discarded me like an old toy having promised the world to my (initial, then compromised) disbelief. The moment I allowed myself to belief in the encouraged 'equal footing' was the moment of discard. Limerance for them had faded, and their vampiric thirst took them on to fresh victims. I hope to god for their sake they were more robust and worldly wise than I was. Recovery has been slow, (without therapy I dread to think what state I'd be in - probably jobless and devoid of hope) and would have been way more so had genuine love from someone equally damaged by their own vampire not come my way in more recent times. Trust grew slowly between us, wariness of limerance eventually yielding to recognition that mutual nurture, not disguised poison from one side, was at the heart of things. And now something blossoms where only weeds once grew. 

I'm not, of course, saying that limerance is always weaponised. Especially if its experience-er is only able to love(?) 'from afar'. It can also be benignly navigated too if two people honour a mutual duty of care as things wind down, transmute. But in the wrong hands, limerance can be the portal to narcisistic supply, its catastrophic effects camoflageing a smirk as a smile until it's too late, and disintegration of the chosen victim (the more compliant and gullible the better) is pretty much certain. Survivable? Not always. In my case... just. And I'm so glad to have had the most contrastive miracle from the most wonderful person unexpectedly speed up what otherwise might never have come... a return to the 'myself' I remember. Or as close as I'll ever get. They tell me I have done the same for them. I am beyond grateful.