It's not always easy avoiding the tears that come from realising how much of a failure and non achiever I've been.
It's not always easy avoiding the tears that come from realising how much of a failure and non achiever I've been.
Why the need to compare? We can all find people who've done "better" than us, but it depends on how you define better?
It's part of the 'bullying related trauma' effect. I'm not always in a good enough 'head space ' to take on board sensible comments like yours.
or that being bullied was character building.
My housemaster's response was that it was less frequent than it used to be but that some boys lend themselves to being bullied.
You are a very intelligent person, not having a piece of paper to say that you did such and such is no marker of intelligence, believe me I met some incredibly stupid people at uni, some were accademically high achievers, but we're safe to be let out on thier own!
Why the need to compare? We can all find people who've done "better" than us, but it depends on how you define better? THe way that the world defines success has led to environmental degredation, enslavement of many people, the denigration of women and childrem and poor men, just so the elite can swagger about, is this what you wish to emulate, what you grieve for not achieving? You have found love, you have found family, people who choose to be around you, who want you to be part of thier lives, who don't care that you're not any of the above swaggering so called big men. To me thats more improtant that all the money and accolades in the world. Have you ever thought that all these outwardly rich and successful men might be inwardly terrified of losing what they have, that they feel a constant pressure to obtain more by fair means or foul, that their ego's are incredibly fragile, that they can't admit to having a softer and loving side because they're afraid of being seen as weak and being torn down by those coming up behind them who've they've tried to kick off the ladder of success?
A more compassionate person than your father would probably have realised the trauma his son was suffering and removed him from the school.
I think we need to remember that we grew up in different times, things like autism we're recognised, we were expected to suck up bullying and were told to either stay away from "them" or that being bullied was character building.
Who says you havent achieved things and that you're a failure?
It's primarily a self evaluation, based on things like never having had paid employment,and having inferior academic qualifications by modern standards. That's toxically blended with comparisons with my father.My father? Retired as diplomatic equivalent of a 2star general. Compared to that I'm a complete and utter failure.
A better,stronger,person would've overcome the effects of the bullying related trauma. Then there's the fact that I'm a fraud who dishonestly interacts with genuinely very intelligent persons.
I'm going to ask some awkward questions, please don't take them as personal slights, but as a way of gaining a different perspective.
What achievements do you feel you should have had and why are they important?
Who says you havent achieved things and that you're a failure?
Are the opinions of those who think you're a failure important and why?
It sounds like you've made a lot of progress personally, and that's a great thing. Remember to stop, reflect, and celebrate your achievements sometimes.
I'm having this feeling right now. I've been insecure about my lack of acheivements for over a decade now. I think it's due to a lack of purpose or passion; if I had a sense either of those things it may be able to override my fear of people and social situations in general. My family have always tried to support me but this year have cut me off, likely because they know I'm a lost cause and I was a major source of stress for them in my younger years. Part of why I'm here.
It sounds like you've acheived great things though.
Thank you. I'll try. In no particular order.
Was in a relationship for 22 years. Married for nearly 19 of them.
Have not been a psychiatric inpatient since March 8th 1983
Have not used alcohol to cope with intense,negative, emotions for well over a decade
Put my late half aunt in touch with her half brothers and sisters
Have spent last 25 years posting articles from my RSS reader to try and help others
Have helped with research into aphantasia, and research into mental illness
Have used World community grid for nearly 20 years
Am quite good at managing my finances
Avoided being permanently wheelchair bound after falls in October 2021
Schizophrenia/schizoaffective symptoms are much less than they used to be
How about writing a list of the things you have been able to do, achieve and overcome?
Having this to refer to when you are feeling negative may help your rational mind kick the negative thoughts out for a while at least.
Also, silly as it sounds, try making yourself smile for a bit. It has a remarkable ability to actively influence your mood in spite of it being artificial.
There is a good article on this here - points 3 and 5 apply here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201605/the-9-superpowers-of-your-smile
