Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't know if this is an anxiety thing, an autism thing, or both, but i find that I go through I process every time I need to spend money. That process goes:
1. Write a list of everything I need to get before I go out.
2. Transfer a certain amount of money over for that trip.
3. Add everything up as I go so I know how much I'm spending.
4. If it goes over what I deem as "too much", go through the list and put thing back that "aren't important" until the number goes below what my brain thinks is acceptable to spend in one trip.
When I'm doing this, I tend to stand Infront of the thing I picked up, holding the item and flip-flopping between putting the item down and picking it back up, justifying both as I do so.
If I am going out with my sister/friend (I only have 2 friends, only 1 that lives near us, and they are technically my sisters friend more than mine) and I am doing this, when I decide I'm putting the item back, they will offer to pay for it, I will continue to flip-flop between it and they will then just put it in their basket. I then panic because it's "expensive" and they are spending their own money on me and they dont have to. They say it's fine and they want to treat me, but my brain doesn't let me be happy (I think I'm explaining it right, lmk if it doesn't make sense).
Lots of people, especially women seem to have problems about allowing themselves things that could be classed as a luxury, always buying your self the cheapest of everything and going without often in favour of spending on others. I think it's because women are often made very concious of how much space we take up the world and how little space we should occupy and this become a weird sort of self denial, a justification to the world for our existance. I used to be terrible at this, I still am to an extent, it dosen't help that I've never really had much money and if I see something I like but don't need I will leave it, go somewhere else and ask myself if I like the company of that thing more than I like the company of my money, most of the time I've forgotten all about it 30 mins later, so it obviously wasn't that important.
I feel wary of people buying stuff for me too it brings up a weird mix of feelings of unworthyness, being beholden to someone and infantalised, iits really not good.
It is wise to be careful. Getting anxious about it isn't nice for you though. The thing is, is that your strategy is actually very good. I suppose NTs who are careful just do that process more quickly and in their head. It is nice that your friends treat you. Maybe you can treat them to a little thing sometime?