Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
My son is 11. Diagnosed May 2024 though i suspect autism since he was 18 months old and have fought ever since.
My question is, during a meltdown he becomes aggressive, hitting, biting, scratching and kicking, towards me or his older brother.
Should he be disaplined for these behaviours even though they hapoen when he is in meltdown?
Thanks
Hi and welcome to the community!
It's important to remember that meltdowns only happen when your son feels so completely overwhelmed that he loses control of his behaviour. As the NAS explains:
"A meltdown is not the same as a temper tantrum. It is not bad or naughty behaviour."
More info: Meltdowns - a guide for all audiences
We can also display "distressed behaviour" outside of meltdowns, including aggressions like hitting, biting, scratching, and kicking. The NAS's advice includes:
"Respond quickly and consistently, eg for spitting, wipe away saliva immediately. Limit verbal comments, facial expressions and other displays of emotion, as these may inadvertently reinforce the behaviour. Try to speak calmly and clearly, in a neutral and steady tone of voice."
It also explains how to seek specialist help (eg accessing a behavioural specialist via your GP, getting help from an outreach team via a social care needs assessment).
More info: Distressed behaviour - a guide for all audiences
You might also find some online blog resources helpful. In this example, the mother explains:
"Punishments can make children feel shame, anxiety, fear, and resentment. An autistic kid can’t control their meltdowns, so they shouldn’t be punished for them."
Among other things, she also discusses the value of teaching her son coping strategies:
When My Autistic Son Melts Down, Here’s What I Do
I think for me it would have been helpful for someone to explain what I did during my meltdown not to discipline me necessarily but to help me find other ways to cope during a meltdown which is hard but over time I’ve managed to do things like surround myself with soft things so I don’t hurt anyone. I needed to understand that no matter how I’m feeling, hurting others or myself is not okay, but it is okay if it takes time for me to have ‘safer’ meltdowns
So do you discipline the behaviours afterward? He was in meltdown and he never seems to understand or remember what he has done?
Chamomile tea could help him calm down.
Yes, kids need to be disciplined. However, with meltdowns it isn't the best way. He needs time to relax.