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Some relationship advice needed

LIZZY V

Dear all,

I have a very loving husband who also respects and understands my autism. Yet in recent years I have encountered a problem for which I cannot find a solution and which causes me a lot of stress, sleep problems and therefore exhaustion.

My husband's job (own company) means that he not only works a lot, but is also away very irregularly. He is gone several mornings a week around 5am, and several evenings until midnight or later. We have two children and of course I am solely responsible for them at that time.

But the fact that he's away a lot isn't the worst thing, but that it is irregular and unpredictable (it depends on the weather). So I almost never know what the next day will look like, let alone the next week. I also never know far in advance when he will and will not be home.

I feel that I am doing my utmost to understand this and deal with it, but it weighs heavily on me mentally that there is no structure, and above all: that it is hopeless. It doesn't look like this will change in the coming years. It seems as if I am a boat that has to drift along in a wild sea, never knowing where I will end up.

How would you solve this? How could I give my autistic mind that loves structure and clarity and predictability some peace in this? Without blaming or putting too much pressure on my dear husband who works so hard? (he already deals with a lot because because of my autism I cannot do a full-time job and I earn much less money than him)

  • If his work hours are unpredictable, does that make you worry more? Would setting up certain call times help? Like him calling in the mornings to see how you're doing, or calling the kids before they go to bed, would setting up that kind of routine help? Or does he need to be presently there to make you feel at ease? 

  • LIZZY V said:
    How would you solve this? How could I give my autistic mind that loves structure and clarity and predictability some peace in this?

    My approach would be to create a routine for me and the rest of the family (minus him) and use that as my anchor.

    i would then get up at the same time, have the same routine (also important for the kids), make a meal for them and have the same primary routine in the evening.

    When your husband is home then you can arrange his portion to be easy to reheat / take out of the fridge so he can take care of himself without upsetting most of your routine.

    If nothing else, this feeling of being outside his familys life may make him reconsider the routine and maybe find ways to delegate the work or change it so he can be a part of the family more often.

    A bit harsh but it preserves your sanity, provides a solid routine for your children and lets him know that the world does not revolve around him.

    I'm sure you can incorporate a bedtime routine of preparing anything he needs for the next day.

    You should talk it through with him first obviously and let him have some input. Make it clear your mental health is suffering and I am sure he will be on board - in fact he should then be looking to make changes to allow himself to look after you and the family better long term.

  • in reply to LIZZY V

    You're very welcome.

    Maybe now you have a few ideas as a starting point, you will be able to work things out better yourself. Maybe if you get used to daily planning you will be eventually better at coping with the irreguarity. Hope you can find a solution.

  • in reply to Lotus

    thanks a lot for your beautiful reply

    that's already some tips I can use, however it doesn't solve the overall irregularity I seem to struggle with

  • Hi Lizzy

    You say you almost never know what the next day will look like, but when exactly does he decide what time he will be getting up the next day? You say it depends on the weather, but there are weather forecasts at least a day before that can be used to help plan work. 

    I would ask him to agree with you a set time each day when he tells you what time he will be getting up the next day, and what time he plans to be home. I know that's not as good as having a plan for the whole week, but it seems like a compromise. Have a wall planner to write the next day's working hours on, as a visual reminder, and you can add any other relevant info such as what evening meal you are planning. If he says he can't tell you when he'll be home, maybe you need to sit down and discuss whether he is prioritising work over his family too much - he's his own boss, so he can adjust if he really wants to. It's not just important for his relationship with you, as the children will benefit from having more stability and more time with him.

    And never feel guilty that you earn less money than him. You look after the home and the children and have a lot to deal with being autistic as well. You deserve consideration

  • in reply to HMO

    Of course we have done that a lot of times, but he doesn't see a way to change this irregular schedule. So I'm searching for other solutions...

  • Welcome. I'm never good with relationship advice, so mine is probably going to be unhelpful, but if you haven't already, I would suggest talking to him about your worries, and to see if there's anything you can both do to at least make it easier.