Some relationship advice needed

Dear all,

I have a very loving husband who also respects and understands my autism. Yet in recent years I have encountered a problem for which I cannot find a solution and which causes me a lot of stress, sleep problems and therefore exhaustion.

My husband's job (own company) means that he not only works a lot, but is also away very irregularly. He is gone several mornings a week around 5am, and several evenings until midnight or later. We have two children and of course I am solely responsible for them at that time.

But the fact that he's away a lot isn't the worst thing, but that it is irregular and unpredictable (it depends on the weather). So I almost never know what the next day will look like, let alone the next week. I also never know far in advance when he will and will not be home.

I feel that I am doing my utmost to understand this and deal with it, but it weighs heavily on me mentally that there is no structure, and above all: that it is hopeless. It doesn't look like this will change in the coming years. It seems as if I am a boat that has to drift along in a wild sea, never knowing where I will end up.

How would you solve this? How could I give my autistic mind that loves structure and clarity and predictability some peace in this? Without blaming or putting too much pressure on my dear husband who works so hard? (he already deals with a lot because because of my autism I cannot do a full-time job and I earn much less money than him)

Parents
  • Hi Lizzy

    You say you almost never know what the next day will look like, but when exactly does he decide what time he will be getting up the next day? You say it depends on the weather, but there are weather forecasts at least a day before that can be used to help plan work. 

    I would ask him to agree with you a set time each day when he tells you what time he will be getting up the next day, and what time he plans to be home. I know that's not as good as having a plan for the whole week, but it seems like a compromise. Have a wall planner to write the next day's working hours on, as a visual reminder, and you can add any other relevant info such as what evening meal you are planning. If he says he can't tell you when he'll be home, maybe you need to sit down and discuss whether he is prioritising work over his family too much - he's his own boss, so he can adjust if he really wants to. It's not just important for his relationship with you, as the children will benefit from having more stability and more time with him.

    And never feel guilty that you earn less money than him. You look after the home and the children and have a lot to deal with being autistic as well. You deserve consideration

Reply
  • Hi Lizzy

    You say you almost never know what the next day will look like, but when exactly does he decide what time he will be getting up the next day? You say it depends on the weather, but there are weather forecasts at least a day before that can be used to help plan work. 

    I would ask him to agree with you a set time each day when he tells you what time he will be getting up the next day, and what time he plans to be home. I know that's not as good as having a plan for the whole week, but it seems like a compromise. Have a wall planner to write the next day's working hours on, as a visual reminder, and you can add any other relevant info such as what evening meal you are planning. If he says he can't tell you when he'll be home, maybe you need to sit down and discuss whether he is prioritising work over his family too much - he's his own boss, so he can adjust if he really wants to. It's not just important for his relationship with you, as the children will benefit from having more stability and more time with him.

    And never feel guilty that you earn less money than him. You look after the home and the children and have a lot to deal with being autistic as well. You deserve consideration

Children