Published on 12, July, 2020
I just had my first in life appointment with a therapist. I described her my issues with my own words. Her conclusion was that I have a lot of autistic traits. I told her that autism already was mentioned when I was a kid. She confirmed that I do have hyper sensitivities (lights, noise and smells) and I have issues with interoception, that I have issues with social interactions and communication, intense special interests, which she seemed interested with, repetitive behaviors, routine, stimming, I need more loneliness than other people. She asked me if I want to get a referral for diagnosis, she added that this is a very fashionable diagnosis these days and a lot of people adults contact her to get a referral. This is not my goal, I’m not thinking about it for few private reasons, but I feel like totally misunderstood. She said if I was truly autistic I wouldn’t be married and have daughter and even one friend (she is friend of my life, for 20 years, but living in another country). Is she right? Is it impossible for autistic people to be in a happy relationship? Or to have child/children? Should I stick to this therapist or change? I don’t have issues with leaving home, because since my childhood I used to escape home many times due to violence at home. I actually found peace in the streets with my favorite music on Walkman. The Therapist told me that she is amazed how I managed anxiety and PTSD on my own, also depression when I was a teenager. Now I feel much better but I still need support, I take seronil for anxiety that sometimes comes back and it helps with little side effects. The therapist seemed to not acknowledge how hard and traumatic was my school experience because of bullying and teachers treating me like I exaggerated “yeah it is loud, but it’s not that bad dont be so sensitive”. I was told so many times, that I’m a weirdo, that there is something wrong with me and I need to change/be fixed, that I’m literally tired of this world. What I feel, and it took me years to realise it- is that I feel like not fully grown up, like a child functioning in the crazy world and trying hard to cope with it. I often had to hide at work to not show others myself crying for no reason (reason - too much information, too many new people at once, noise and strong lights, transitions between rooms etc). Does anyone else feel this way? What would you advise about the therapy with this lady? Sorry for very long post. Any thoughts will be appreciated.
Opinions are like a**eholes, everybodies got one.
I think that you would benefit from a therapist who is more enlightened concerning autism. I am diagnosed, but have a small number of friends, all dating from my schooldays, I am married and have two children. The idea that autism only has the effect of completely stopping people from doing certain things is plain stupid. What it often does is just makes doing certain things so very much harder, than they are for neurotypicals. Yes, I can make friends, but interacting with comparative strangers often causes me distress. I had a demanding full time job until I retired, but there is no way that I could ever function in any public-facing job. I could no more work behind a bar, than fly.
Autism is a spectrum condition, it includes people who are completely non-verbal (for speech) and people who are very verbal, people who cannot read and people who are hyperlexic.
I also have never felt so much understood as here in this forum!
Thank you, yes I’m also gonna stay self diagnosed as for now at least because I dont need any external support in my everyday tasks. I hate some noises but there is simple solution- earplugs, with them it’s even easier for me to spend more time with my beloved “crowd of noisy people” - husband and daughter. I decided to tell my husband honestly and to my surprise he understood and told me he loves me as I am without judging wether I have some disorder or not. I didn’t change I just unmasked a bit and I’m happy to see that he didn’t reject me. Another reason for me to stay currently self diagnosed is fear from Jugendamt (child welfare office). Of course such institution is needed, but the way they work is really often immoral. The unity and happiness of my family is the most important thing for me, so I better stay off the radar.
Good thing about opinions is that you can get another one.
Hi Alienated Human
Sorry to hear about your experience. This "therapist" would say I'm not autistic either, as I've been married for over 40 years. But that's a very unscientific measure of autism, and suggests that maybe she tells neurotypical people who can't find a partner that they must be autistic?
This is why I decided not to pursue a referral for a "formal" diagnosis, because of a fear of being mis-diagnosed. The GP I was with then was actually much better informed and kinder than your therapist - he advised which tests to do and asked me to send him the results and then agreed with me, but advised that a formal diagnosis would not get me any help. As I was working and didn't actually need any support. I came onto this forum and asked people about the process, and decided to stay self diagnosed. I instantly felt at home here, which was better than any "validation" from a psychiatrist .
It will take you time to find your true self, but you will hopefully find support on this forum.
Alienatedhuman said:but what I need is some support in my mental health
I hope you are able to seek such support with a therapist who truly understands you.
Thank you very much, I thought so, but I wasn’t sure if maybe I’m exaggerating (self gaslit) for me the term “fashionable diagnosis” is hurting. It’s not fashionable, it’s a real struggle in life, rejection, being told endlessly that you’re broken and there is something wrong with you and it sounds like she thinks it’s just to get attention and to be cool. I have some reasons to not seek diagnosis right now, but what I need is some support in my mental health. Thank you for your advice.
Great advice!
I wouldn't go back to be honest, lots of autistic people are married and have happy relationships and children. People who are autistic can have long term friendships too. Don't let this persons ignorance make you doubt yourself. There is a lot more awareness of Autism now and naturally more people are coming forward for diagnosis, its not fashionable, it just showing how underdiagnosed it's been particularly in women. Don't forget that Autism was only really recognised in the 1970's and then it was thought to only affect boys, its taken years for it to be recognised in women.
When you seek another therapist, remember you are paying them, and interview them as much as they are interviewing you, especially for the first appointment. To have any sort of theraputic relationship you need to have trust, its a big ask to trust someone with your innermost being and your most traumatic memories, the trust has to go both ways.
Alienatedhuman said:She said if I was truly autistic I wouldn’t be married and have daughter and even one friend
This shows the therapist has a very tenuous grasp of autism. With it being a spectrum "disorder" then we all have a scattering of traits at different severities so using such a broad brush to tar you with is just plain uninformed.
Alienatedhuman said:What would you advise about the therapy with this lady?
I would thank her for her time but point out that she has a outdated and incomplete understanding of neurodivergence so her recommendations are not proving helpful. Ask her to update her knowledge before treating further patients.
Then I would find a therapist who does know their stuff and spend your money and time with them.