Published on 12, July, 2020
My mother used to be able to control her manipulative tendencies she needed as a child because of her drunk mother.
Every few weeks there is a change in behaviour because her dementia is progressing.
Since two weeks she is manipulative towards me and my dad.
Example me and my dad where sitting at the dinner table looking in adoration at our tree in the front jard, we mentioned how full and green it's becoming. Later that day my mom walked to the garden with a cutting tool. My dad saw her and called out to her to ask what she's planning to with that. With some resistance he gets her inside to talk. While talking she is holding the and if she is not convinced by our plea she is going to cut the tree, constantly threatening to cut it. When we bring valid arguments like it's not about cutting but about timing, please wait 2 weeks and than we can get to terms with it. She is not convinced so she is going to cut it now. When I get angry my dad explains to her that it's not nice to start a negotiation without laying down arms and that's why I am angry. But she gets angry because I am angry, and says it's unacceptable to get angry because she started a equal dialogue and negotiations. This tactic of holding leverage or threatening to do something to elicit a emotional response, and than getting angry at you for being emotional, is used daily on both me and my dad.
I️ got autistic burnout and am sick at home since 3 years now(got my late diagnosis of autism because of this burnout), my mom is giving me a lot of stress making, coming out of burnout harder. And keeping my gard up all the time is taxing at least.
I love my mom very much and want her to feel happy.
The hard part is that she won't get better, this is the time she will talk the best and most before she progresses more.
Because of her unchanged bad habits like smoking, drinking more than 2 glasses alcohol a day and her beginning to become deaf but not wanting any hearing aid. I fear her progression will go faster than necessary.
I wonder what kind of demage I do to my self out of love for my mum.
Is there someone who has experienced getting a autism diagnosis and living with a parent with dementia and how did it effect you retrospectively?
I have been through this with both my parents. My dad had vascular dementia, and my mum Alzheimer’s.
The experiences were quite different. Vascular dementia magnified all my dad’s worst aspects and dealing with him was very challenging and often upsetting.
Alzheimer’s was easier by comparison as my mum remained friendly and cooperative.
The biggest single thing I would say is that you need to look after yourself. Get whatever help you can. Find ways to get time to yourself. And don’t feel guilty about it.
It’s exhausting, emotionally and physically so you need to take care of yourself. It is very common for carers to become ill themselves as a result.