The pressure of loneliness

As it happens, I was just going to respond to Amerantin and suggest that there must be a way out ;)  I've got social anxiety issues and don't like going to a workplace or gatherings.  At the same time, I can get on well with people in public and be quite charming.  I was stood in a Starbucks queue last week and got chatting with these two young women.  I had them laughing out loud in no time at all.  Maybe, just maybe, there's the thin end of the wedge to start with ?  It could be argued that this forum is something like that.

Erich Fromm is a good read regarding actual loneliness. 

When non-autistics suggest that you should distract yourself, or 'get out of yourself' or have some kind of remedy for it, they're not speaking about the same thing you are experiencing which is a real, not imagined, impact of isolation. Most won't recognise what this is like as the Typical brain is actually wired for social togetherness. 

I’m 52 and have always been single and the loneliness and pointlessness of it all crushes me every single day.

Even if I just had someone around the house, it would be better. But rattling around an empty house with no one to speak to and no one to even notice when I die is all I have.

I’d happily settle for a loveless relationship just not to be alone any more. 

Being married to someone who clearly doesn't care about you makes for loneliness.  When there's no conversation or warmth or friendship.  When you feel one day that you're going to regret not escaping to find the person who could fill all those gaps.  That type of loneliness is probably worse than being single as at least in that situation you may have the option to look for someone.

The frustration (and the inevitable meltdown) comes from feeling quite powerless and like I've got no control over my life. That's how it has felt for about 6 months now.

Hi Oddity, then you truly won life’s lottery. I envy you.

Peter said:

Loneliness is not merely a wistful feeling. Sometimes it can be truly soul destroying

Yes, this has been my experience also. I spent the first twenty years of my life alone, never expecting to meet anyone or make friends because I am different and can't interact like most people seem able to.

This changed for me, by chance, I feel I got extremely lucky. I braved the shops in 2019 as the online shopping system was down and there I met a woman who I accidentally bumped into as I'm very clumsy but she was more than understanding and struck a small conversation with me.

We were friends from that first interaction and are now engaged.

I wasn't expecting it to happen. I never dreamed it would happen to me of all people and yet it did. So what I will say is don't give up because I am the living proof of how things randomly change and happen.

I'm still friendless but I got lucky with Charlie.

I strongly encourage you not to injure yourself. But I’m slowly coming to the position that maybe making a spectacle of yourself or indeed making a spectacle of myself might be quite necessary sometimes.

but I’m thinking less meltdown and more very in your face protest.

I'm in that position currently. People have made their minds up about me being this monster, and I feel bad about even talking about it because I feel like I'm playing the victim. I'm not as I know I screwed up but it feels like it won't be good enough until I'm dead in the ground.

I often feel like I need to have a big screaming meltdown where I end up injuring myself before I get taken seriously.

The problem is people say that loneliness is a killer, that mental health is just as serious as physical health and just as deserving of support, accommodation and intervention. But it is largely lipservice; they don’t really mean it. They only care about the mental health of those who fit into their pigeonholes of what mental health issues should look like. As soon as you point to someone who they label as creepy or weird and point out that they are also paralysingly lonely they don’t want to know.

it’s enough to make a person want to give up. I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve been there in the past, having intrusive thoughts of giving up. Once upon a time I thought about doing it in some sort of really dramatic make a statement kind of way. That way at least something might change after for other people.

But I doubt I ever would; it would be too much like letting them win. By them I guess I mean the system, society, those who have been trying to sideline me my entire life. to silence me and make me go away so I’m no longer an inconvenience for them. No longer a challenge to their order that seems designed to make me miserable.

But I still keep coming back to the sensation that somehow the only thing that will ever change anything it’s something extreme and shocking. I might snap one day and chain myself to a public monument or a TV studio and refused to leave until someone comes and listens to me. It might end up causing me a lot of trouble but it’s a lot less final and maybe just maybe somebody would listen.

Personally, I gradually accepted being a lone wolf. Whenever I was younger, I wanted to be everyone's friend. In the end, I became too clingy and vain. Antisocial Media didn't help matters. I had so many niches of friendship, it was unsustainable.

Now I focus on quality of connection, rather than quantity. My buddy, a Bona Fide Artist, is now my go-to man. He was my support bubble in 2020/21. And it was much-needed support, when sorting out the Probate and Land sale issues.

i dunno if i have or not. i cant tell, i mean i could like them but they might not like me for all i know i just cant really tell if a person likes me or not and if i think they do then things can change and i may think they dont but maybe they do, or they never did? lol cant tell. best to not let it bother you either way i think. 

theres even douche types that insult you and pretty much call you a idiot to your face and snap at you and seem bossy, but then also talk to you normal sometimes which is confusing, not sure if they dont like me or do... i just have to accept that they are douchebags i guess but that is ok, everyone has their personality and that one particular personality is just douchebag at times and should still be accepted lol perhaps the guy has to grow older and get more life experience and patience or something to not be as insulting or rude seeming... or just im reading him wrong again.

this inability to read people put me in a bad situation when i was younger, the friends i thought were friends in primary school actually all didnt like me and made it a bit more obvious in high school that they didnt like me and were not friends but more bullies that were taking the piss.

It's funny for me because the way I self-inflicted so much pain on myself even when I had friends, I felt lonely even though I know I had something resembling a protective shield/support network which I didn't utilise as much as I should have.

For the past 5 months I've had to focus on my own company and I guess iron out all the kinks before I enter into the real world again.

I have a job. I've had 3 serious jobs now. Never really made a friend through any of them.

ah i dont speak much or get any word in anyway as i dont really say much. im just there lol
although i can say alot when the company takes the piss then they find me the most proactive ally against the bosses.

I have a job but mostly work from home and as Peter says in his original post, many interactions with coworkers make it worse. When they tell about all the things they did at the weekend then ask about yours, or say something about their wife and kids or their holiday or a night out or when you’re in a group meeting and just can’t get a word in.

i used to be ok with loneliness, i guess when i was younger i was too angry at the world still and at society. but i must have gone soft then allowed loneliness to make me depressed one time and thats part of the reason what pushed me into a job among a few other reasons.

having a job seems to solve it... no matter what weirdos on facebook claim that they are lonely despite having friends and colleagues... i find just being around people at work is enough to solve the loneliness absolutely. although tricky parts can still be treating and seeing everyone as they are my friend when they are probably not and probably dont think of me as good as i think of them. im too socially naive, but thats a obvious thing here.

so could try getting a job or something for the sake of company? worked for me... but then you get all sorts of other problems lmao you solve a problem in return for more of them. anyways its best of both worlds, go to job for assumed friends or company, then go home to private place where you can be alone and seperate that.