When people think about loneliness they tend to think of it in terms of absence, emptiness, void. That it’s not so much a thing as the absence of a thing. a wistful feeling of longing. Sometimes loneliness is like that but for me personally sometimes loneliness is more like a pressure. like being trapped thousands of miles deep underwater in the ocean and it’s all pushing down on you crushing you, trapped in the dark under pressure.
People say if you’re lonely just distract yourself. do something to take your mind off it. But you can’t take your mind off that pressure. it’s intrusive, it’s constant and oppressive.
Strange little things can bring that pressure. Like that line from the old song. “Sometimes I feel like my only friend Is the city I live in, the city of angels Lonely as I am, together we cry” sometimes just watching things change around you can bring on that sense of loneliness.
Watching some old restaurant or pub or even a tree that you used to enjoy, that you have a nostalgic memories of, being destroyed. Seeing a friend who gradually stopped responding to your messages has blocked you or deleted their social media.
Bumping into someone and having a conversation and their views are completely different to your own and they look at you like a crazy person for disagreeing with them whereas before you knew at least a few people who saw the world your way.
When someone asks you to tell them a joke and you realise you can’t think of anything. Because conversation is like a muscle and you’ve been so isolated for so long you’ve forgotten how to be witty and interesting. (Even if only in the eyes of a small number of people) your conversation has atrophied. So that you just can’t turn it on like a tap when you need it.
So often life comes along and reminds you that you are alone. not just alone but also trapped in an alien world. It’s that feeling of being trapped in an alien place that doesn’t make room for you. it is so oppressive that lack of connection with anything even remotely like yourself. And all the little reminders of that buildup like a pressure pushing in on you. Trying to break you as a human being.
Loneliness is not merely a wistful feeling. Sometimes it can be truly soul destroying.
