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I'm autistic in an unsupportive house. Now I'm gay and it's worse.

Matcha

My parents deliberately hid my diagnosis from me. I found out in quite a traumatic and shocking way - through my medical notes showing throughout my whole childhood and teenage years, my autism was picked up by teachers and health professionals, but my parents refused diagnosis every time it was offered. At 4 years old I was given an appointment with a clinical psychologist for autism assessment. Twice. It's recorded my parents wouldn't accept any intervention at all. As a child, when I asked them if I had autism, they lied and told me I wasn't autistic. I only found out because my siblings told me directly I'm autistic. I learned my parents had never planned to tell me I'm autistic.

To this day even with my NHS diagnosis my parents continue to deny and invalidate my autism. It makes going home to them really hard because a part of me that's so important and has changed my life for a dazzlingly more colourful and bright future, which has given me so much confidence and which has helped me celebrate my talents and special interests has to be hidden. "Disabled me who needs support" is not welcome. "Disabled me" has to be explained away by "everyone gets that too, you're not special" or "of course you can't get help, adjustments are for people with physical disabilities" (not literally said that way but the inference is obvious). With so much ableism in society today, it's lonely going through that without parental support.

Now going home is even harder because I've discovered I'm gay. My parents are really anti LGBT. They stopped supporting a family member because they came out as LGBT. That family member came out 10 years ago and my parents are still really anti LGBT. If I come out, they will withdraw their financial support.

It's really really hard for me to hold two spheres in my head of my parents "loving parents who love me and raised me well and are still a source of support" and "parents who don't have my best interests at heart. Who view me as inferior, who lied to me because they feel insecure about my diagnosis. Who will stop supporting me at uni if they find out I'm gay, like they did with another family member. Which all don't look like love."

Can anyone relate? Offer advice? It's a really lonely position to be in. 

  • One way to look at this is what I call "running out the clock"

    it means just staying the course (haha) at Uni and keeping the focus on your goals there till you can graduate.  Consider your parents financial assistance as a form of love, as limited and inadequate as it may seem to you. They are seeing you through your higher ed and that a really valuable gift. You don't indicate what you would expect of them after that. You could make your own way after that?

    You could consider that being gay as not really part of the equation of love you can expect from them for now and not say anything at all. If they are judging, they are also inviting you to withhold. You may want them to love you for all that you are but it may be they can only do that a bit at a time.

    Same for you being ND. 'Believing" is what every one of us does and it is different for each one of us. It was the same with the adults who raised me too. When they thought of me at all, they were mostly concerned with appearances and compliance and the fear of stigma for being different in the 50's. I forgive them their fears and confusion. They were too far away to hear me.

  • As an older Irish gay man from a traditional Irish Catholic background in Rural Ireland now living in Manchester, diagnosed later in life it was difficult for me at first, coming out as gay and an only child long before my diagnosis and I reached a point where I did not care who knew I was gay (I was even a part time drag queen at one point) and unapologetically gay and now my relationship with my family in Ireland is better than ever - I’d worked in supermarket retailing 30 years so doing drag when going on nights out was a real confidence booster and I loved the attention (I have two drag queen names Hunty) - I even shamelessly flirt with handsome straight men all the time - your parents sound really closed minded and abusive, lying to you about your diagnosis and being homophobic towards your sibling - ditch them and move in with your gay relative, you will have a blast in the gay clubs, you might even meet a fabulous drag queen to take you under her wing Joy 

  • To offer a bit of a counterpoint to the good advice some of the other side will give you as a paid up member of your parents point of view, it is not as simple as the LGBT "you're either with us or against us" mentaliity would suggest.

    Your sexuality, although important IS NOT ALL THAT YOU ARE. Remember that, it's important to know.

    Your parents however, may be the sort of people who will experience great disappointment to learn that you won't be producing them any grandchildren, if they have the whole hetero sexual mentality thing going on.

    They may also have made an adult decision based on the copious evidence that exists, that the LGBT "lifestyle" as it is currently being presented in the mainstream is a hazardous kind of existence that they simply don't want for their kid any more than some parents don't want their kids to ride motorcycles. 

    In my case when as a young person I threw my Yamaha 250 into the side of a mini my parents even paid for "Conversion therapy" I.E. driving lessons and supplied me with a car, (bless 'em!) but it didn't take...

    Sexual stuff is generally more satisfying if treated gently and kept "on the down low" anyway, so why not just keep it under your hat, and save your parents the moment of reckoning for as long as possible? But TRY and do it by using discretion and being careful, not by outright lying to your parents. Lying to people destroys their trust, and corrodes your relationships like you would not believe.

    A rule of life I try to live by, is whenever I find myself in the "minority" then it's going to be ME who has to make the most adjustments and MANAGE the situation. The majority will consider me to be "wrong" when I am holding a minority point of view, and there are more of them than there are of me...

    Diplomacy is cheaper than combat.

  • in reply to Matcha

    "no dad it's just a crotch mounted hand towel rail, all the students are getting them ... for convenience"

  • Don't tell them your gay. You need that support, so it isn't safe for you to do so. When you're older and more independent tell them. Then drop them like they're hot cause they suck as parents. They'll be the sort of people who expect you to support them in their old age. They don't deserve you as their kid.

  • i dunno...

    the thing with your parents is bad if you think they love you, if it turns out they dont thats a sorta hard thing.

    but yeah, if i was you id do a hard thing, id come out as gay to them. if they truly love you they wouldnt mind, they might be upset as part of their anti-lgbt side would want to cast you out but then if they truly love you thats what would make them sad as they will be having a internal fight with themselves over it and it will make them sad the thought of casting you out if they truly loved you. so they wont cast you out, but theyd be upset..... but if they do cast you out, then you know their love wasnt real. thats kinda what id do, id take it as a test.... but yeah, i dont actually recommend that as its bad for your living situation, its just some crazy stuff id have done without caring, but in my case my existance was likely held together by love for my parents and not wanting to harm them so to me i was in that position where if my parents love for me wasnt there id have just thrown it all away anyway and done whatever.

  • in reply to Peter

    Hmm yeah it'll turn out post uni my "very good friend" was actually a girlfriend... Laughing

    Thank you

  • Hi Matcha, 

    Thanks for your really interesting post. 

    I really feel for you in your existing situation - it's really tough. 

    I am also a member of the LGBT community and while I have sort of vaguely mentioned this around my parents and said to them that I am queer, they don't really 'get it' and so we don't really talk about it. I kind of feel fine about that - it's not like they really have to be involved in my personal life anyway, I'm an independent grown up and I can sleep with whoever I want. Obviously if I was to get into a serious relationship of someone of the same sex that would be a different ballgame because I would want them to meet my family at some point, but that is a bridge I'm yet to cross so I'm not really worried about it. 

    I guess what I'm saying is that I would encourage you to live your authentic life on your own terms, but it doesn't have to massively involve your parents. Maybe it's just a subject that you sidestep while you're around them.

    With regards to the autism, it's a tricky one. Again I kind of feel like as long as you are accepting of yourself, deep down, it isn't hugely important what they think of your diagnosis. It sounds like you're at Uni so you're still really young, you will only be growing more and more independent over the coming decade while you flourish into being your own cool individual. Immerse yourself in queer and neurodiverse culture all you like! But knowing it doesn't go down well at home maybe just leave that subject at the door. 

    I would think strategically about your current circumstances - how important is finishing university to you? If very, then it is best to tow the line and just get through the next few years while your parents support you. It probably isn't worth getting 'cut off' for if it means you fail your degree and can't progress how you want to in your field of interest. 

    I'm very proud of you for owning your autism and your queerness - so know that there are people out there rooting for you :) 

  • Under the circumstances I don’t feel you owe your parents cander  regarding your sex life. Its very possible to be ‘out’ at uni and in the closet at home. You can come out when you graduate, that’ll be a nice little surprise for them.

  • As I see it you have 2 courses of action here:

    1 - keep making a fuss about your autism and gayness which you know will upset your parents. Accept that you need to be independent of them and go on to live your life authentic to yourself and free from their judgement.

    2 - don't mention your autism or gayness around your parents. Accept you are who you are and you don't need to discuss these aspects with them and continue to have their love and support..

    Your parents are just people and some have prejudices that are deeply ingrained. If you can accept their failings and don't need to make a big issue to them about your nature then you can get on just fine.

    They did some rubbish parenting on some fronts but that does not make them bad people, just flawed.

    I would chose option 2, keep my life more or less private from them and carry on being my own person in my own world without needing to get them involved in aspects they are not comfortable with.

  • Hi Matcha

    I didn't just want to read and run so I've stopped by just to say hello and welcome. I find it really sad that you've been let down by your family. I can only think that they have the stereotypical autistic person in their heads and they couldn't cope with the notion that their child is like that - but that isn't an excuse for not supporting you and sticking their heads in the sand doesn't make your autism go away!  I appreciate how lonely you must feel. I hope you feel less lonely and more supported here in your community

    Inula