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I'm autistic in an unsupportive house. Now I'm gay and it's worse.

Matcha

My parents deliberately hid my diagnosis from me. I found out in quite a traumatic and shocking way - through my medical notes showing throughout my whole childhood and teenage years, my autism was picked up by teachers and health professionals, but my parents refused diagnosis every time it was offered. At 4 years old I was given an appointment with a clinical psychologist for autism assessment. Twice. It's recorded my parents wouldn't accept any intervention at all. As a child, when I asked them if I had autism, they lied and told me I wasn't autistic. I only found out because my siblings told me directly I'm autistic. I learned my parents had never planned to tell me I'm autistic.

To this day even with my NHS diagnosis my parents continue to deny and invalidate my autism. It makes going home to them really hard because a part of me that's so important and has changed my life for a dazzlingly more colourful and bright future, which has given me so much confidence and which has helped me celebrate my talents and special interests has to be hidden. "Disabled me who needs support" is not welcome. "Disabled me" has to be explained away by "everyone gets that too, you're not special" or "of course you can't get help, adjustments are for people with physical disabilities" (not literally said that way but the inference is obvious). With so much ableism in society today, it's lonely going through that without parental support.

Now going home is even harder because I've discovered I'm gay. My parents are really anti LGBT. They stopped supporting a family member because they came out as LGBT. That family member came out 10 years ago and my parents are still really anti LGBT. If I come out, they will withdraw their financial support.

It's really really hard for me to hold two spheres in my head of my parents "loving parents who love me and raised me well and are still a source of support" and "parents who don't have my best interests at heart. Who view me as inferior, who lied to me because they feel insecure about my diagnosis. Who will stop supporting me at uni if they find out I'm gay, like they did with another family member. Which all don't look like love."

Can anyone relate? Offer advice? It's a really lonely position to be in. 

Parents

  • One way to look at this is what I call "running out the clock"

    it means just staying the course (haha) at Uni and keeping the focus on your goals there till you can graduate.  Consider your parents financial assistance as a form of love, as limited and inadequate as it may seem to you. They are seeing you through your higher ed and that a really valuable gift. You don't indicate what you would expect of them after that. You could make your own way after that?

    You could consider that being gay as not really part of the equation of love you can expect from them for now and not say anything at all. If they are judging, they are also inviting you to withhold. You may want them to love you for all that you are but it may be they can only do that a bit at a time.

    Same for you being ND. 'Believing" is what every one of us does and it is different for each one of us. It was the same with the adults who raised me too. When they thought of me at all, they were mostly concerned with appearances and compliance and the fear of stigma for being different in the 50's. I forgive them their fears and confusion. They were too far away to hear me.

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  • One way to look at this is what I call "running out the clock"

    it means just staying the course (haha) at Uni and keeping the focus on your goals there till you can graduate.  Consider your parents financial assistance as a form of love, as limited and inadequate as it may seem to you. They are seeing you through your higher ed and that a really valuable gift. You don't indicate what you would expect of them after that. You could make your own way after that?

    You could consider that being gay as not really part of the equation of love you can expect from them for now and not say anything at all. If they are judging, they are also inviting you to withhold. You may want them to love you for all that you are but it may be they can only do that a bit at a time.

    Same for you being ND. 'Believing" is what every one of us does and it is different for each one of us. It was the same with the adults who raised me too. When they thought of me at all, they were mostly concerned with appearances and compliance and the fear of stigma for being different in the 50's. I forgive them their fears and confusion. They were too far away to hear me.

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