My parents deliberately hid my diagnosis from me. I found out in quite a traumatic and shocking way - through my medical notes showing throughout my whole childhood and teenage years, my autism was picked up by teachers and health professionals, but my parents refused diagnosis every time it was offered. At 4 years old I was given an appointment with a clinical psychologist for autism assessment. Twice. It's recorded my parents wouldn't accept any intervention at all. As a child, when I asked them if I had autism, they lied and told me I wasn't autistic. I only found out because my siblings told me directly I'm autistic. I learned my parents had never planned to tell me I'm autistic.
To this day even with my NHS diagnosis my parents continue to deny and invalidate my autism. It makes going home to them really hard because a part of me that's so important and has changed my life for a dazzlingly more colourful and bright future, which has given me so much confidence and which has helped me celebrate my talents and special interests has to be hidden. "Disabled me who needs support" is not welcome. "Disabled me" has to be explained away by "everyone gets that too, you're not special" or "of course you can't get help, adjustments are for people with physical disabilities" (not literally said that way but the inference is obvious). With so much ableism in society today, it's lonely going through that without parental support.
Now going home is even harder because I've discovered I'm gay. My parents are really anti LGBT. They stopped supporting a family member because they came out as LGBT. That family member came out 10 years ago and my parents are still really anti LGBT. If I come out, they will withdraw their financial support.
It's really really hard for me to hold two spheres in my head of my parents "loving parents who love me and raised me well and are still a source of support" and "parents who don't have my best interests at heart. Who view me as inferior, who lied to me because they feel insecure about my diagnosis. Who will stop supporting me at uni if they find out I'm gay, like they did with another family member. Which all don't look like love."
Can anyone relate? Offer advice? It's a really lonely position to be in.
