Social anxiety and dating

The last time I dated was around 32 years ago when I first met my wife, back then I had no idea I had autistic tendencies, as that was just me. Prior to that I was mainly single, used to drink a lot to kill my social anxieties, now I know why & I now rarely drink. Neither am I recommending you drink alcohol to feel more comfortable whilst dating. 

If I were starting a fresh, which to be honest I just don't have the inclination or energy to do now if myself & my wife were to depart company, which I certainly hope we never do. I'd probably look for a hobby which I like & try to associate with similar thinking people, that would be a good start I think. When & if you meet the right person you'll soon understand what "love", is. 

Don't get me wrong I deeply dislike certain types of socialising still now, but I make extra effort as at times it's important for my wife, too. Some aspects of socialising I try to avoid at all costs, still. I'm still happy to avoid certain situations, as I see no reason to put myself under intense pressure just for the sake of it. 

Absolutely. I’ve been there before, and it’s so easy to think you’re the only one. I remember feeling like I would never feel real love, and there must be something wrong with me. Really torturing myself over it. When in reality there was nothing wrong with me what so ever, I just hadn’t been lucky enough for it to happen yet. 

Although it is very hard at time please stay strong and try believe just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean it never will. 

Depending on the circumstances, sometimes the only way of getting to know a person well is by asking them out on a date.

As an example, I spent some time doing a job that consisted of me going door-to-door delivering catalogues, and then returning to collect orders and deliver the items customers had ordered. There was one particular day when I had been caught in a downpour and was soaked through.

One of the customers had invited me into his home, asking if I would like a hot drink to warm up, and an opportunity to dry off and get out of the rain for a while. Despite not knowing anything about this customer, I liked them and felt attracted to them. However, I did not feel it would be appropriate for me to tell them this.

When I had next been doing my rounds in this customer's area, it had been during the run-up to Christmas. In addition to the catalogue I delivered, I included a Christmas card that I had purchased especially for this customer. When I signed the card, I made a point of including my phone number, even though my contact details were plain to see on the catalogue order form.

Much to my delight, when I returned to collect the customer's catalogue, they too had included a Christmas card. Inside, they had written a message asking if I would like to meet up with them after Christmas, for a few drinks at a local pub. It was a date and one that paid off as it resulted in us having a loving relationship, which lasted the best part of 18 months.

Had I not stepped out of my comfort zone and made the first move, I'm not so sure that the relationship would have happened. The customer was 20 years older than me, and I think had been of the opinion that a woman who was young enough to be his daughter was unlikely to be interested in a man that was old enough to be her father.

I don't think I ever asked anyone on a date on the spur of the moment. I always got to knwo someone really well first.

Looking back, my absolute ignorance of social cues and whether someone was actually flirting, in my late teens / early twenties, meant I didn't realise when someone was interested in me.

I struggle with social anxiety dramatically. I've never been on a date but I did do online dating but never pursued it as my anxiety got the better of me. Chance of potential happiness with someone who might have understood and supported my autism died over night.

I don't know how to get over this crippling anxiety and be better socially but I do understand and relate.

Sporadic Sparkly said:

appear too needy and desperate.

The is the most-evil thing about relationships in my eyes, is when people place so many guards-and-wards over that one shallow-wall, I feel that it forces one to get-stuck and be forced to feel-and-appear needy and desperate, when it is possible that one step past that barrier can provoke a most simple-and-natural interaction. 
I had been repressed-and-lamenting for years and years about the prospect-and-meaning of intimacy, how grand it would be, how life-changing, how powerful, how memorable. I never was allowed by others to experience it, or talk about it, or feel it, it was a really-repressive slog. Until one day, a decade past-due in my opinion, someone permitted an unguarded-interaction. 
It was all of those things, but at the same time is was non of them, to me it was as simple as drawing-breath. We then mutually-agreed that we weren’t meant for each other and parted-ways over coffee. What I gained from that interaction was the shedding of the most monumental-and-maddening ball-and-chain.  
All of that suffering caused because everyone assumed that I was needy-and-desperate, which I was, I was just desperate to take the next microscopic-step pass the mm-thick impenetrable-barrier of shallow-judgements. 
I can assume that the same is true for relationships, that the first-breath I take past the guard of another will be same kind of simple-and-uncomplicated; and that the tragedy of nature outside my bubble, will be nothing compared to the evil-and-unnature of being held-inside my bubble, in purgatory. 
The most-crazy thing was that after that occasion, I have never felt-repressed on that point again, I just though ‘okay cool..’ as if I’d been carrying 20 extra-stone all my life and was walking-around feeling light-as-a-feather.
I thought needy-and-desperate ‘my foot!’, I’m the opposite of that, it’s just hard to find a genuine-interaction in this repressive-world..!

What you have described here is similar to how I felt throughout much of my twenties and thirties. The difference was that I had experienced love, just that it hadn't turned into the happy-ever-after that my boyfriend and I had anticipated. In some respects, knowing what it was like to love and be 'in love' made it worse. I hated being single and yearned to be in a relationship to the extent that it completely consumed me.

I am now in my late forties and have spent the majority of my adult life as a completely single person. It's not been easy, but I've had to learn how to make the best of things and enjoy my own company. My attitude now is that if I'm fortunate enough to meet someone that I want to date and possibly spend the rest of my life with, then it will be an unexpected bonus. However, if it doesn't happen, then so be it. 

Last year, I attended the wedding of a cousin who is young enough to be my son. In fact, he's just over a year older than my son. Whilst I felt so proud of my cousin and his bride on their wedding day, I also felt envious. As I am the eldest of all my cousins, I couldn't help thinking, "It should be me walking down that aisle!"

Not so long ago, I heard that another one of my cousins had got engaged. Despite feeling happy for her, I again experienced a pang of envy. However, no matter how much I may yearn for a lifelong companion that I feel truly compatible with, I'm determined not to become bitter about it.

Speaking from my own experience, when one is desperate to be in a relationship, one can sometimes give off the wrong signals and appear too needy and desperate. This can sometimes be deeply off-putting to a potential suitor, and a red flag. Alternatively, our desperation can also be considered an invitation by unsavoury types to string us along and mess with our emotions, or worse.

Yes I have social-anxiety, especially in the way of dating, I have withdraw for it as a result. So I guess that the worse-thing about having anxiety about such-things, is that it prevents you from developing your dating-chops, I may summon-up the courage if my-confidence and opportunities align at some-point.

I have had hard-hits in the past and I have concluded that if it feels right to start then I’ll start, but I’m not going to rush myself and be something that I am not, for someone who is not themself either.. First I’ll date with my head and then I’ll date with my heart..

“Spartan!”

“Yes, milady..?”

“Come back with your love-guide.. 

..or on it.”

“Yes, milady.”

It is strange, I felt the same puzzlement; in my younger days my friends and other people I knew seemed to find making, and indeed breaking, romantic relationships easy. I could look in the mirror and dispassionately say that appearance-wise I was on the on the attractive side of average. I also knew that I was basically kind, loyal and reliable, but had absolutely no success romantically. 

The big breakthrough for me - I have been married for 26 years now - was the realisation that I had to be proactive, and that no potential partner was going to declare undying love at the mere sight of me. It is very difficult, but in order to form a romantic relationship it is necessary to make oneself emotionally vulnerable and emotionally available. This comes down to actually saying, or giving unmistakable hints, that you find someone attractive, which is not easy.

Neurotypicals can read people and situations easily, we cannot, which means that neurotypicals can be fairly sure, from non-verbal cues, that someone is attracted to them even before anything is said. Therefore, they know when they can expect a positive response. Unfortunately, we do not receive or appropriately interpret  these signals, so we have to take rather more of a chance when we inform someone else of our romantic interest with them. We also tend to need to know someone quite well before we feel relaxed with them. I had known my future wife for three years before I asked out on a date, luckily, she said yes. Don't give up hope, but do try to make positive efforts, and if you don't get it right the first few times you try to make a connection with someone, you haven't really lost anything.

It's natural to want something someone else has, when it causes use to feel a desire we didn't know we had or bring to surface something we feel we cannot obtain. It's actually called Envy.

Jealousy is a term involving protecting someone we've invested in and or feel betrayed by. It can be a positive thing as it can keep a marriage together so long as feeling the emotion isn't followed by trying to assert control over another. It's really tricky.

Love offers many sensations: a sense of connexion, a sense of protecting and being protected, a sense of adoration and then Love requires much of us: heartbreak, allowing, investing, it is emotionally hard and euphoric simultaneously. 

But, should you want to find someone you can share life with in some ways, needed tasks are helpful: a solid hygiene routine, mental growth, showing up to places and groups of interest, and so on. Develop friendships. These make for the best relationships. :) And yes. It's a struggle.

Kim said:

Is anyone else struggling with social anxiety and dating?

This is a pretty common issue for us autists as our brains work differently to neurotypicals so there are all sorts of stumbling blocks in the social dances that surround dating.

The following books may give some help in navigating this particular minefield:

The Asperger Love Guide - A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome to Seeking, Establishing and Maintaining Successful Relationships - Genevieve Edmonds, Dean Worton (2005)
ISBN 141291910X

An Aspie's Guide to Intimacy, Dating, Sex and Marriage - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501273

Asperger's Syndrome And Sexuality - From Adolescence Through Adulthood - Isabelle Henault (2005)
ISBN 1843101890

Love, Partnership, or Singleton on the Autism Spectrum - Luke Beardon (2017)
eISBN 9781784504847

Making Sense of Sex - A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People With Asperger's Syndrome - Sarah Attwood (2008)
eISBN 9781846427978

and for the anxiety issues:

Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)
ISBN 9781843108955

An Aspie's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501198

Of course a book won't suddenly make it easier or solve any problems but they arm you with the knowledge to understand the situations and make better informed decisions (with better communication) to make it less traumatic.