Do you ever feel like all change is bad?

Peter said:

My idea of what is attractive wouldn't change. You have yo give me some wiggle room here I did say more of less immutable. Information and situations change but I don't think that a persons idea of what kind of thing is desirable is very flexible. As much as society tries to convince us otherwise.

I don't think you can just project your own personal experience onto the whole species like that. I know my desires have changed a lot. Even just sticking to physical desire, I know I've definitely gone back and forth between what I find attractive and I'm sure I'll continue to do that. You might be very rigid in that way, but a lot of people are fluid as hell. 

I Sperg said:

Desire can turn off in the blink of an eye, for example if you were to discover that the pin-up girl of your choice, eats babies and worships an old god, how much would you desire her then?

I would still find her attractive. I would still desire attractive people. My idea of what is attractive wouldn't change. You have yo give me some wiggle room here I did say more of less immutable. Information and situations change but I don't think that a persons idea of what kind of thing is desirable is very flexible. As much as society tries to convince us otherwise.

I Sperg said:

And get this: I "desired" a Johnny Seven gun when I was a kid so strongly that I still feel that desire now! YET, having played with a friends I realised I didn't really want one at all. 

Ok but did you want the gun? Or did you want the way you thought the gun would make other kids look at you? Did you not really want to be like this johnny Seven bloke? (never heard of him my self). And even though you've stopped wanting the gun have you stoped wanting that?

You aren't wrong often Peter but that last sentence is very wrong.

Desire can turn off in the blink of an eye, for example if you were to discover that the pin-up girl of your choice, eats babies and worships an old god, how much would you desire her then?

Or if you discover that the motorcycle you really like and were planing to acquire tends to kill it's riders because it corners like a pig on stilts? 

In my case I also find that a close examination of the likely outcome of a "desire" or it;s cost/benefit ratio can also wound what was a strong "desire".

And I have sure learned about stuff that is advertised using psychology to to kindle your desire, and when you get it home it does NOT give you the expected pleasure because of the hidden issue that they didn't advertise... Oh yes, I learned that when I was young.

And get this: I "desired" a Johnny Seven gun when I was a kid so strongly that I still feel that desire now! YET, having played with a friends I realised I didn't really want one at all. 

Desire is simply NOT to be trusted! 

So yes, desire might be immutable for you, but it very much is not for me and I suspect others.

I found that the Rollng Stoned got wit wright with their lyrics, "You don't always get what you want, but you get what you need. Zen Bhuddism also preaches that desire is a thing to be eliminated from one's life, and they might be right.

"Desire" has taken away my peace of mind, and got me into some shitty situations in the past...

Here's the thing. I don't believe in stoism or 'positive' thinking. In the sense that. I don't believe disappointment or telling yourself you didn't really want it in the first place ever makes you want it less or hurt less when you can't have it.

I don't care how long you're on a diet I don't believe you will ever convince yourself that lentils taste nice and that you wouldn't rather have chocolate ice cream. The heart wants what the heart wants. Desire is more or less immutable.

You know throughout my whole life a have never enjoyed my birthdays, because I would build an expectation in my head of all the things that a birthday should be, so when the event came neither the day nor the intentions of those around me ever seemed sufficient. I have kept a journal for the past several years now, and in all of them I describe all of the ideals happening that I wished would happen, only to describe the numbness and emptiness I felt the following day. 
Over time I have grow to be completely indifferent about my birthday and I neither register it or idolise it, in fact I make a point of how I would like it to be ignored months prior as the conversation arises, I view birthdays to be a limiter to happiness. 
As as such I have found that if someone does remember and treats me nicely on that day, I just treat it as a nice moment and not a percentage of my days entitlement, I have no reason to be let down or not satisfied because I wasn’t looking for anything. Essentially the change that occurred was in me, and it wasn’t bad, as some change’s definitely can be.

So the point to what I am saying is that expectation and what the past has taught us, is a limiter to enjoying the moment, acknowledgement of our expectation puts a quota on living that is unnecessary. When we can just enjoy the present, try to make everyday seem like an unexpected teacher-training day, and everyday will be a bonus. 
Sometimes a pensioner ignoring you, or a group getting clicky, or person not connecting on your level; is disappointing because you idolised the situation, you nice-guy’d it.  
Though having said that, it’s clear that you are trying and it’s clear that you are genuine, and it isn’t so easy to have epiphanies. So don’t give up, because these things only occurred to me as I was learning it the hard way, they also tend to occur when you aren’t looking, so the best thing to is to keep trying. Just keep following you interest as it takes you, and you will eventually and passively become competent in the way you need to, but only if you keep going.  
So to answer your original question, the changes that are easy are usually bad, the long-suffered changes are usually good. I think our feelings can betray us on this subject..

Like the autism charity I started going to. So many of their events for the organiser just not for me. For example I remember going to a café with them sitting opposite the council of extremely polite gentleman with severe learning disabilities trying desperately to find something that we had that we could talk about something interesting we could discuss. And one of them mentions that they’re really interested in photography and is interested in the photographs mounted on the wall at the café. So I start going to talk to them about photography, The theory of cameras focus pinholes lenses. They’re just not interested. So I sit there twiddling my thumbs for most of the event eat my food and wander off.

because everything they’re talking about to each other is so random and banal. The kind of thing you imagine people in old folks home say ‘I’m 50 you know’ that kind of thing.

Or I tried to sign up for a friend making service. Run by the same charity as it happens. Only to be told that having looked at all of the people on their books they couldn’t find a single person who they  thought might want to spend some time and hang out with me.

I went to a K-pop night earlier this year. it was absolutely chockablock full of girls and normally that would not be a problem. but they were all in very tight little clicky groups so I didn’t really feel like I was able to get to know anybody which was one of the main reasons I went to it. hoping to mingle and make some new friends. I really enjoyed The music and atmosphere and probably would go again. but it didn’t live up to my hopes and expectations. And anyway as far as I can tell it’s never going to happen again it was a one off.

Well what are some of the new-things you were interested in, if I may be so bold..?

The problem is I’ve been actively going out of my way to try new things and the problem is they all suck. Or in some cases people just tell me I’m not allowed to do them.

The stage in-which good spontaneous-things stop happening, is around-about the time that spontaneous-things stop happening, which I guess is an unfortunate by-product of long-suffered autism. 
A common-pillar of autism is the Repetitive-Restrictive Behaviours, that autists use to memorise their experiences and learn new-things, executive-function is not a strong-area of autistic-cognition, so we tend to develop rote and procedural cognitive-functions instead.  
This can mean that autistic-people can develop peaks of ability that neurotypical-individuals would never think or need to develop. The downside to that is that the more-competent we become with those spared-abilities, the more we restrict ourselves from new-experiences and pull-away from the community. So alongside the loneliness that we feel for developing interests and abilities that few others hold, it can also take a tremendous-effort from our neurotypical close-carers and peers, to bring us out-of-our-shell and onto a path of development and spontaneity. 
But all is not lost Peter, as you find yourself on a platform that is composed of a concentrate of the 1.5% of society who can most-empathise with you, but more than that we are the 1% of the 1.5% that are interested in sharing their stories and interestedly-listening to yours.
So share your feelings and map your woes, because the low will pass and the vibes will flow; the more you effectively-communicate and the more you willingly-offload, the more proactive you will feel. Enjoyment is most-easy found in the realm of spontaneity, if we can pique your interest as opposed to your sorrow then you’ll be more likely to find enjoyment, and we’ll be happier because we get to observe you pursue it..! So good-luck and carry-on..!

Keep looking.

I volunteered last year for my local "repair cafe". It gets me out of the house once a week doing something genuinely unselfish, and also uses my skills to their best advantage. 

Once a month I found wasn't enough, so I now do two.

I tried volunteering for our churchs local homeless outreach. But by the time I got the DBS check I was working again and it conflicts with normal office hours. 

that would be a problem with classes as well. I start a new job on Monday and I can’t do any classes conflict with normal office hours.

if there was an evening course on Japanese perhaps but I’m not aware of any.

anyway either volunteering or classes I’ve never really made any close connections through them before.

exception being my martial arts class. where I happened to bump into three people were all into anime and video games. and they kind of adopted me into that group. that said that martial art class died in the pandemic which is also in that group cut ties with me.

You mentioned clubs and classes. I think something like that would be very good because you met new people and get to do an activity that you enjoy at the same time. Are you sure there's nothing? A language class? Volunteering? Just as an example, I like parkrun. It's a nice community. Even if you don't/can't run, everyone is super grateful if you volunteer.

I think almost every kind of change is stressful. But something being stressful doesn't mean it's bad, it's just hard while you're getting used to it. For example, last year I was living with my mum and it was comfortable but I planned to go back to university. I was extremely scared and stressed and I wanted to retreat and call it off actually. But it turned out to be a very worthwhile 'risk' - I am much more satisfied with my life now even though it's harder than what I was doing last year. I would definitely not go back. No change at all gets very boring and depressing after a while, and I think that's worse than transient anxiety/discomfort.

When I was quite young I used to have aspirations to go into full-time ministry. In the religious sense. Probably doing something like urban outreach  in the inner city  working with the homeless and downtrodden. However the options were never really there. Given that I was a nondenominational worshipper.

I can see the attraction of being part of a religious order. Something very focused on practical aspects. Helping those in need or working to benefit humanity more generally. But then to some extent scientific research is very much like that itself. But universities were originally centres of learning with a religious bent where many would take up orders. And scientific research is for the benefit of humankind after all.

but other researchers don’t really see it that way and so it doesn’t necessarily attract that sort of person.

In my region there are two reasonably large cities, two small cities/ large towns and a number of medium / small size towns. There are two proper universities and a number of ex-polytechnics. And all of these places are comfortably within an hours drive.

I would be hesitant to travel more than an hour into the nearby regions for social events on a weekly basis which is really what I’m looking for.

So I’m very much aware of what’s going on in my region, at least what’s been advertised anyway. One of the last student societies I was a member of did online events and I have to say it isn’t quite the same.

A lot of the activities I would want to do don’t lend themselves to online. Watching videos and movies together it’s about the easiest to do and even that doesn’t have quite the same feeling when you can’t reach over and make a remark to someone offhand without it being intrusive for everyone else. Not to mention that the technology for watching films in sync is a bit dodgy.

Peter. I have after a half century of examination come to the conclusion that we are immersed in a materialistic, soul-less, soul crushing society, and surrounded by the fools and weaklings that society will produce, who are  people led by Evil people. Truly, mind bendingly banal, Evil people.

How much we allow that to shape our own perception and interaction with the world however, once we realise that, is our choice. 

There are a still a lot of decent and well meaning people either struggling or in the process of being consumed by this evil and also it seems quite a few emerging from it. 

The simple solution seems to be to relocate to a society that values the family, takes proper care of and provides safety & respect for it's elderly etc.. I personally wish I'd given Greece a go when it was an option for me as a young man. If like me you are rooted here, and cannot escape, then you need to: 

1. Network with the sort of people who you can relate to.  

2. Improve your own life, 'cos no-one is going to do it for you, YOU are (or should be) the unrivalled expert at this and if like me, you realise at an early age that you are not very good at it, then you got a whole new field of interest! 

Most men nowadays are not trained to prevail and provide for a family, we were trained to consume and obey our superiors and definitely not to take charge of and bear the responsibilty for a family, and it's a big change that not all societies have embraced... Those terrible Russians for a start, they keep their old people functioning in the community, not incarcerated in virtual prisons with twee names waiting for the medazolam.

You want to avoid that, you need to build yourself a life that will hopefully keep you on your feet and involved until you drop, (In my case. preferably some where mildly inconvenient and not a bloody NHS hospital...)

I do feel for you, and your o/p and replies resonate very firmly..

*I've been concerned about how we treat our old people, since doing my first sponsored walk at the start of the 70's for "help the aged". It's not a concern brought about by the change of perspective that late middle age has given me..

If there is no appetite locally for these interests then it would seem your best options would be to go furthe afield (to the nearest big town / city) or go online - there are always plenty online.

The interests you have may be les popular now than when you got into them, and some are primarily online anyway (gaming and to a degree the cinema tuff thanks to Netflix). This is normal for some genres to wax and wane in popularity over time.

I think that covid was the driver for driving people away from in-person meetups and into online or solo activities. Add the current economic situation in the country and people have less money to spend going out anyway. Knowing that does not make it any less frustrating.

I guess it is going to be about how important the face to face contact is versus the travelling for the most part.

Covid never has been the issue it’s that I just don’t have access to these places anymore.

there really aren’t any non-student clubs for other nerdy interests I have. I’ve not been sat at home twiddling my thumbs not looking for opportunities. The opportunities simply aren’t there.

there is no video gaming club, no anime club, no science club, no East Asian cinema club, no goth Club (not that that’s particularly nerdy). In the local area outside of universities. The local comic book café has shut down so I can’t even hang out in the vicinity of nerdy people. not that I ever really made any friends there when it was running.

I have tried starting clubs, and it has failed abysmally.

i’ve tried to get the charity that runs events for autistic people in my area interested in doing nerdy events. The only ‘nerdy’ thing they really do is karaoke once a month. other than that really nothing I’ve suggested seems to have stuck.

Peter said:

Hanging out with people younger than me has never put me off.

Student clubs should be opening up again post covid so there is unlikely to be an issue so long as there are some accessible to you as a non-student.

One challenge you may find is that the groups of students going there may start to look on you as too old to want to speak to - an uncomfortable aspect of getting older.

Why not look for clubs that specialise in the other nerdy things you do like - this seems a good place to meet similar minded people. It will be different but have similar enough of a focus to be interesting.

Personally I would recommend dialling down the outrageous jokes bit until you have a good feel for whether the people in those clubs were going to take it well.

Think of it as a way of going into more depth in you interests that that particular club covers - quality rather than quantity you had before. That is a positive change if you close one eye and squint a bit ;)

Student clubs. That's more or less the long and short of it. And as far as I know most of the people into the things I'm into are still in student clubs. Hanging out with people younger than me has never put me off.

With the exception of table top gaming (which I don't particularly like) all the nerdy activities seem confined to student groups.

Peter said:

Out where? When I'm happy, when I'm myself, I'm the rando saying weird stuff, being loud and telling outrageous jokes. The places where people like that used to congregate are no longer available to me.

Where did you go before to find people on your wavelength?

Work out where they went - where the entertainment you enjoyed is now - but be prepared that this all may have moved on to become different altogether.

The random and outrageous are things many people outgrow so it could just be your social group has gotten old themselves.This is a bigger issue as people move into their 30s and start settling down more, but also happens in other age groups.

What were the social / entertainment environments that used to work for you?