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Do you ever feel like all change is bad?

Peter

I often feel like a change is bad it seems like every single event that happens that’s out of my control is always negative. There just never seems to be a situation where something spontaneously happens in your life without you expecting it and the change ends up being good rather than bad.

Every time a place I love has a sign on its door, every time a friend or a family member tells me they need to talk. Every news article about some scheme the council has for the city, my heart is filled with dread because it feels like something is about to change and it’s going to be bad.

The last good thing in my city was probably the new cinema opening up, even though it’s a nice cinema it has taken business away from the other cinema which is now struggling. The last good thing to happen in my family was probably my brother getting a job. And that wasn’t really so spontaneous, I helped him a lot trying to get that job, and now he’s got it unfortunately he just doesn’t have as much time to support me anymore which I appreciate of course. The last really good change in my friendship group, well I think the last time I made a new friend was probably something like 2017.

It didn’t used to be like this. As an autistic person I’ve always had a complicated relationship with change. But it used to be that even if bad change seems like it often outnumbered good change there was still good change there. People would leave my life but new people would come in. The café me and my mum used to like going to might close but a new place would open.

It’s been so long since I discovered a new thing I could enjoy. A new class I could go to, A new club night I could regularly attend, A new attraction I could patronise, A new person I could really connect with.

It’s been so long since I met anyone I felt I could develop romantic feelings for. And I have to say that even though I’ve never been in a serious relationship to miss it, I miss just having someone I feel that way about.

At what stage in our lives do good spontaneous things stop happening? At what stage do we stop meeting new people we can make a connection with? stop just stumbling onto things that we can enjoy? To actually make good things happen in your life is such an effort and it’s feels more and more like banging your head against a brick wall as life goes on.

  • in reply to Queen

    I get that. Not so much my parents but organisations seemed to craft the environments where good things happened. When I was a teen it was typically churches. Later universities and music / club nights. It's why I keep returning to the idea of trying to start some sort of social organisation.

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    They stop happening - in my experience - when you start to act old.

    I don't think I ever acted 'old' outside of work and dealing with service professionals (eg ordering food at restaurants). The problem is all the other places have been taken away from me one by one.

    Iain said:
    - as for making friends - that is largely a mindset thing. If you are willing to put yourself out there and engage with people, overcome your autistic shyness about it and break the interia then you will find the sense of fulfilment feeds back into your attitude and you will become more of a person that people will want to be friends with.

    Out where? Put my self out there? Out where? When I'm happy, when I'm myself, I'm the rando saying weird stuff, being loud and telling outrageous jokes. The places where people like that used to congregate are no longer available to me.

  • Peter said:
    At what stage in our lives do good spontaneous things stop happening?

    They stop happening - in my experience - when you start to act old.

    For me it took a change of mindset from seeing change as bad to realising that change is essential. Without it there can never be bad things made good, new life created, ideas born, hopes raised, greatness achieved etc.

    Change is just a thing - it brings good, bad and indifferent results but it you can see it as a necessary process to create good things as well as bad then you begin to see so much more good stuff in life.

    Stop watching the news or social media - they thrive on bad news and scaremongering because people lap it up.

    The world is a messy place but in every decade I think you will find there are really bad times and plenty of good times too.

    Think of your examples:

    - the cinema will probably bring an improved sound system, bigger screen and cleaner seats. The old cinema will provide competition for a while but its ultimate passing is just like the cycle of life and death. Neither good not bad, it just is.

    - your brother getting the job was a great thing, It helped him find more independence, it helped you become more independant too and the bond between you grew through the challenge.

    - as for making friends - that is largely a mindset thing. If you are willing to put yourself out there and engage with people, overcome your autistic shyness about it and break the interia then you will find the sense of fulfilment feeds back into your attitude and you will become more of a person that people will want to be friends with.

    Changing the interia is going to be hard but when you have tried the alternative and find it sucks, then why not build some positivity and start making the effort.

    Horrible unicorns and rainbows advice it may be, but it works Slight smile

  • Life can be a B***h. But, things teach us a lesson. We learn, and grow, as a result.

    Real lessons aren't in School.

  • I've noticed the same where good changes lessen and then become practically non existent. I think this happens the older you get or it has for me. When I was younger and both my parents were well there was a lot of good changes, when old people left new came in, the estate was constantly in flowers and animals, when the old died new grew and flourished. I was never alone, a constant surrounding of people, not too many but enough that I felt comfortable and happy. The estate was a buzz of life. And then, just before Covid it became less. Slowly but surely the changes happened one by one and now today no more people, no new animals. Flowers grow but they aren't kept anymore, just wild. I think the stage occurs sometime through adulthood, probably different for everybody but I think it's something the majority of people will experience at some point in their lifetime. I don't like it either. It's scary. It feels wrong. And I hate that I've no control over it.