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Do you ever feel like all change is bad?

Peter

I often feel like a change is bad it seems like every single event that happens that’s out of my control is always negative. There just never seems to be a situation where something spontaneously happens in your life without you expecting it and the change ends up being good rather than bad.

Every time a place I love has a sign on its door, every time a friend or a family member tells me they need to talk. Every news article about some scheme the council has for the city, my heart is filled with dread because it feels like something is about to change and it’s going to be bad.

The last good thing in my city was probably the new cinema opening up, even though it’s a nice cinema it has taken business away from the other cinema which is now struggling. The last good thing to happen in my family was probably my brother getting a job. And that wasn’t really so spontaneous, I helped him a lot trying to get that job, and now he’s got it unfortunately he just doesn’t have as much time to support me anymore which I appreciate of course. The last really good change in my friendship group, well I think the last time I made a new friend was probably something like 2017.

It didn’t used to be like this. As an autistic person I’ve always had a complicated relationship with change. But it used to be that even if bad change seems like it often outnumbered good change there was still good change there. People would leave my life but new people would come in. The café me and my mum used to like going to might close but a new place would open.

It’s been so long since I discovered a new thing I could enjoy. A new class I could go to, A new club night I could regularly attend, A new attraction I could patronise, A new person I could really connect with.

It’s been so long since I met anyone I felt I could develop romantic feelings for. And I have to say that even though I’ve never been in a serious relationship to miss it, I miss just having someone I feel that way about.

At what stage in our lives do good spontaneous things stop happening? At what stage do we stop meeting new people we can make a connection with? stop just stumbling onto things that we can enjoy? To actually make good things happen in your life is such an effort and it’s feels more and more like banging your head against a brick wall as life goes on.

Parents

  • I've noticed the same where good changes lessen and then become practically non existent. I think this happens the older you get or it has for me. When I was younger and both my parents were well there was a lot of good changes, when old people left new came in, the estate was constantly in flowers and animals, when the old died new grew and flourished. I was never alone, a constant surrounding of people, not too many but enough that I felt comfortable and happy. The estate was a buzz of life. And then, just before Covid it became less. Slowly but surely the changes happened one by one and now today no more people, no new animals. Flowers grow but they aren't kept anymore, just wild. I think the stage occurs sometime through adulthood, probably different for everybody but I think it's something the majority of people will experience at some point in their lifetime. I don't like it either. It's scary. It feels wrong. And I hate that I've no control over it.

  • in reply to Queen

    I get that. Not so much my parents but organisations seemed to craft the environments where good things happened. When I was a teen it was typically churches. Later universities and music / club nights. It's why I keep returning to the idea of trying to start some sort of social organisation.

  • in reply to Peter

    Peter. I have after a half century of examination come to the conclusion that we are immersed in a materialistic, soul-less, soul crushing society, and surrounded by the fools and weaklings that society will produce, who are  people led by Evil people. Truly, mind bendingly banal, Evil people.

    How much we allow that to shape our own perception and interaction with the world however, once we realise that, is our choice. 

    There are a still a lot of decent and well meaning people either struggling or in the process of being consumed by this evil and also it seems quite a few emerging from it. 

    The simple solution seems to be to relocate to a society that values the family, takes proper care of and provides safety & respect for it's elderly etc.. I personally wish I'd given Greece a go when it was an option for me as a young man. If like me you are rooted here, and cannot escape, then you need to: 

    1. Network with the sort of people who you can relate to.  

    2. Improve your own life, 'cos no-one is going to do it for you, YOU are (or should be) the unrivalled expert at this and if like me, you realise at an early age that you are not very good at it, then you got a whole new field of interest! 

    Most men nowadays are not trained to prevail and provide for a family, we were trained to consume and obey our superiors and definitely not to take charge of and bear the responsibilty for a family, and it's a big change that not all societies have embraced... Those terrible Russians for a start, they keep their old people functioning in the community, not incarcerated in virtual prisons with twee names waiting for the medazolam.

    You want to avoid that, you need to build yourself a life that will hopefully keep you on your feet and involved until you drop, (In my case. preferably some where mildly inconvenient and not a bloody NHS hospital...)

    I do feel for you, and your o/p and replies resonate very firmly..

    *I've been concerned about how we treat our old people, since doing my first sponsored walk at the start of the 70's for "help the aged". It's not a concern brought about by the change of perspective that late middle age has given me..

Reply
  • in reply to Peter

    Peter. I have after a half century of examination come to the conclusion that we are immersed in a materialistic, soul-less, soul crushing society, and surrounded by the fools and weaklings that society will produce, who are  people led by Evil people. Truly, mind bendingly banal, Evil people.

    How much we allow that to shape our own perception and interaction with the world however, once we realise that, is our choice. 

    There are a still a lot of decent and well meaning people either struggling or in the process of being consumed by this evil and also it seems quite a few emerging from it. 

    The simple solution seems to be to relocate to a society that values the family, takes proper care of and provides safety & respect for it's elderly etc.. I personally wish I'd given Greece a go when it was an option for me as a young man. If like me you are rooted here, and cannot escape, then you need to: 

    1. Network with the sort of people who you can relate to.  

    2. Improve your own life, 'cos no-one is going to do it for you, YOU are (or should be) the unrivalled expert at this and if like me, you realise at an early age that you are not very good at it, then you got a whole new field of interest! 

    Most men nowadays are not trained to prevail and provide for a family, we were trained to consume and obey our superiors and definitely not to take charge of and bear the responsibilty for a family, and it's a big change that not all societies have embraced... Those terrible Russians for a start, they keep their old people functioning in the community, not incarcerated in virtual prisons with twee names waiting for the medazolam.

    You want to avoid that, you need to build yourself a life that will hopefully keep you on your feet and involved until you drop, (In my case. preferably some where mildly inconvenient and not a bloody NHS hospital...)

    I do feel for you, and your o/p and replies resonate very firmly..

    *I've been concerned about how we treat our old people, since doing my first sponsored walk at the start of the 70's for "help the aged". It's not a concern brought about by the change of perspective that late middle age has given me..

Children
  • in reply to I Sperg

    When I was quite young I used to have aspirations to go into full-time ministry. In the religious sense. Probably doing something like urban outreach  in the inner city  working with the homeless and downtrodden. However the options were never really there. Given that I was a nondenominational worshipper.

    I can see the attraction of being part of a religious order. Something very focused on practical aspects. Helping those in need or working to benefit humanity more generally. But then to some extent scientific research is very much like that itself. But universities were originally centres of learning with a religious bent where many would take up orders. And scientific research is for the benefit of humankind after all.

    but other researchers don’t really see it that way and so it doesn’t necessarily attract that sort of person.