Alexithymia

Indeed.  And I think that discussion between people who are and are not autistic is very important.  It's like two cultures trying to understand one another and it can't be down to just one side to try.  Both have to.

I think it especially important in therapeutic contexts.  Mental health know nothing and continually misinterpret what a lot of autistic people say and how they are going about the process of determining their emotions as something else entirely.  They are confused because we do not fit their boxes and that can start to get harmful rather than helpful.

Yes it’s true, it is my own version of love. I’d rather show it by practical acts than lots of emotion.

What you said.  All agreed.

We often seem to be on the same page with a lot of things on this forum. I remember when I have done the alexithymia online questionnaires....hard to answer! Lol! 

Often in the past I think low mood had been because I couldn't identify how I felt. Rather than depression per se.

OK - so you and me are very different in certain key ways, but also very similar in key ways too - within the context of this subject matter.  I do love us......all.....we are very confusing.

You seem to speak in my emotional dialect.  Good to hear - it's weird and VERY hard to explain to others.....but I am pretty sure I hear you right.

How do other people describe emotions? This is another example where I think there should be dialogue between autisyic and allistic, so we can see how each approach it.  I think for me unless it's obvious, I don't know how i feel. In the past it was usually default anxiety. Now it's probably "ok" but in reality I don't think it is. I'm not ok a lot of the time.

I think there are so many ways to describe emotions,  it's often difficult choosing the right word to explain how I feel.  And I have a good vocabulary.  I wonder if this is some of it....things needing to be "correct" rather than a general sense.

Last week I felt anxious about something.  But I knew everything about this unknown thing would be ok and wasn't worried at all. Then I wondered if it was actually excitement. I still wasn't sure.

I do understand when you say about analysing situations.  I have even done this in situations with my closest loved ones because I didn't know if the situation was awkward or not. I had to go through the analysis to decide that actuslly everything was OK. After that, I felt more at ease. 

I think I can often pick up on say, the feeling of a room, or can be quite emotive around others who are feeling strong emotions. Like a sponge. It's all quite contradictory isn't it.

I'm sorry that you feel like this too. I do think we love our families, it's just hard for us to "tune in" to those feelings.

I'm not really an animal person. I'm actually slightly phobic of a lot of animals and I find it strange when so many autistics report finding animals easier to understand than humans, because I don't.

I don't tend to experience religious sensations. I'm religious, but it's mainly an intellectual understanding, not an emotional one. I would like to have a more emotional religious life, but I don't know how. The only times I've really experienced it was when extremely depressed (as I said, I can feel negative emotions more easily than positive ones).

I don't think I can really prompt myself to tears and I don't cry often.

I'm not sure what you mean by "personal trauma in a tragic sense". I haven't experienced anything that would prompt PTSD, but I've experienced bereavement (loss of grandparents) and some childhood experiences that therapists have described as "traumatic,"  but I'm not sure if they were using the term loosely.

I also struggle to think of moments of overwhelming joy. I find it hard to be around people who are all having a great time if I am not feeling happy.

That's interesting about not describing emotions the way other people do. I wonder if I experienced depression for a long time before my "official" depression diagnosis without recognising it, and I'm pretty sure I had anxiety for much of my time at secondary school without realising it.

Thanks for this response. I'm lucky that my wife is the only person I don't feel the need to mask around, so that makes things easier. Also, I'm comfortable hugging her (etc.). I don't think our relationship could work if that wasn't the way.

Peace and long life!

I found this very helpful to know that someone else has this feeling. I am a mum of 2 great kids who are now both adults. It worries me when I look at them and just view them as nice people that I know. They are both full of love for me, particularly my daughter who constantly tells me how much she needs me. They are my reason for living but it all feels very technical and it frightens and worries me. I have always been a good mother and continue to be but I feel very apart from that role and sometimes feel like I am standing in for someone else.

Luftmentsch said:

sometimes I find myself having to prove to myself that I love my loved ones, because I’m not sure that I feel anything. I have to look at my willingness to make sacrifices for them, the amount I think about them when they’re not around, the fear of losing them and so on to prove to myself that I must feel something positive, I just can’t always hear it.

Hey there Luft....interesting post.  I have a couple of questions for you.  Needless to say, if you don't fancy answering them - that's fine by me - but I assure you that I am interested in understanding what you speak of, rather than being nosy!

Do you ever "feel" things for, or about animals that you encounter or watch?

Do you experience religious "sensations" or is everything just hevel?

Are there things you can do (apart from physically) to prompt yourself to tears?

Have you ever experienced personal trauma in a tragic sense?

Feel free to ping me a PM if you would prefer to communicate privately.  For the record, I recently remembered the last time I felt truly happy and free - someone born at that moment could now have a driving licence!

Hello, I’ve written about this before, but I only realised I had Alexithymia when undergoing intense CBT. This hasn’t been diagnosed and I don’t need it to be. I just know. 
I struggle with identifying emotions and feelings 24/7. I often don’t even know I’m becoming unwell, and have to make lists of what’s going on to help me define things. I don’t know what love is. I think I do, but again, in a partner, I have to make lists of things to help me realise. I have never experienced happiness. Of course I know when things please me, but that overwhelming joy is something I’ve never felt. I recall having my second child, and crying because what I thought was going to be a he, was a she, and it shocked me. They thought I was crying with joy. Don’t get me wrong, I felt it in my own way, which doesn’t show in the outside. 
I always say I love my own company, and I don’t get lonely, and I am not depressed, even though I’ve been diagnosed with it over my lifetime. Maybe I am and don’t feel it like others do. Maybe I’m just me, and I don’t get overly excited and happy about life. Maybe I am lonely and don’t know?
if I do have company, say at Christmas, everyone reports back that they had a great time. I am always shocked, as it just seemed OK. And they’re like, yeah but it was really fun, and I’m thinking….was it? What made it fun? I just pick out all the things I wasn’t happy with Everything confuses me on the daily., and goes way beyond anything I’ve written today. I just don’t want to ramble.

I get it.

As for the disability v. difference argument, that is for each of us to decide for ourselves.  Is it society or our genes which dis-enable us?  Are there aspects of our autism that are a positive advantage to us, are there others that cause us pain?  It's different for each of us.  Personally, I regard my autism mostly as just being different and I'm happy with that, until I'm in a doctor's surgery and I cannot cope at all and no one gets it.  Then I am not functioning and am disabled!

I also get the alexithymia too.  One of the biggest revelations for me through the diagnostic process for me was that I was not detecting or naming my emotions in the same way as other people do and for half a century had not realised that other people do it differently.  My interoception tells me very little.  I work out what I feel much in the way you describe.  Mostly it works for me to analyse a situation and its dynamic to work out what it is I'm feeling.  I also have a very good friend who is able to ask the right question in the right place to help name it.

Personally, I never felt the emotion of love until my child was born and then I felt it instantly. I suppose I would make sacrifices for other members of my family so maybe that’s love  it’s an interesting way of thinking about it.

I like your username, I’ve learnt a new word today!

Hi, I can’t offer much practical help, this is some of my experiences. Showing emotion or actuality feeling it is something I’ve always struggled with. I often get told I’m a ‘cold’ person.  I find if I don’t see someone, I don’t miss them or need them. I also  understand depression and anxiety, they have been with me since early childhood, it’s strange but they don’t feel abnormal to me. I struggle to know which emotion I should be feeling. I’ve been married for 30+ years, we are more, two people who just  live together. I have been  non verbal for about two days this week, I started talking again yesterday morning, that was only because my wife had a rant at me, I got told that I never say I love her or even good night, i replied that I will do that if that’s what she wants, I was then shouted at for not doing it because I’ve been told to. I get told off for giving one word answers, I try to explain that it’s often all I can manage. I then go into full mask and ask questions I think will be appreciated, all on my list of ‘concerned’ questions. I’ve never felt attachment to family, it sounds horrible to say but I find emotion clouds judgement. Don’t get me wrong, I generally get on very well with my wife, I think sometimes she sees other couples, they will hug and be attentive, I find touch very uncomfortable. I do feel emotion but I can be more than one emotion at once. I’ve been reading about alexithymia, it does make a lot of sense. The series of pictures on tests I find are the usual thing set by neurotypical people, I know what each expression means and what responses are required, I’ve had 50+ years to learn and remember them.

You are heading into a new part of your life, you will get there, you are testing yourself as to how emotional you can be, I get that. It’s a big adjustment to life, weddings can be stressful, just try to enjoy it as much as possible. I’ve found it much easier not to try and be neurotypical around my wife all the time, the constant masking was more damaging  and exhausting, you will start to learn from each other. I think what I’m trying to say is don’t try and be something you’re not.  Hope the wedding goes well, I’m sure it will. Sorry to drone on,  Live long and prosper!