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What should I be tolerating in a relationship?

PinkPomPom

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 5 years now. We have two children together. But recently I’ve been very confused about what is normal and what isn’t, and how much I should be tolerating in my relationship?

95% of the time he is rather miserable and moans constantly. I am like a sponge and I absorb other peoples emotions, so his misery and grumpiness really affects me and grinds me down. I assume that this is something I am supposed to tolerate. 

But then he is often very snappy with me and I find myself treading on eggshells and not knowing whether to say things to him, which often results in us sitting in silence as I don’t want to say something which will make him snap, moan or make him say something to me in a way that makes me feel bad about myself. Sometimes I decide that I do need to tell him what I’m feeling and then he does have a go at me. Yesterday I confided in how stressed and anxious I am feeling about a new job he was offered (for legitimate reasons, as the pay isn’t reliable and he’s the sole earner in our house). He had a go at me and told me I’m being unsupportive, and then today he also brought this back up and threw it in my face again. He was angry with me because I told him I needed to put away the clean clothes and he had a go at me because I don’t put his clothes away properly (apparently). 

I’m now laying in bed confused about our relationship. This happens every month or so. I question what is normal and what isn’t, what I’m supposed to tolerate. I just find that most of the time I question our relationship, I feel like it isn’t normal to feel this upset this often. I’m fed up of constantly feeling down because he is so grumpy about everything. I don’t know if I can realistically spend the rest of my life feeling down because we’ve argued about clean clothes or other stupid things. But then again I shouldn’t walk away from a relationship just because I can’t tolerate his grumpiness? 

I’m just really confused about it all.

  • Hello Anon16

    I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences, and that your partner is suffering so much.

    In answer to your question, I don't think any amount of abuse should ever be tolerated, and make no mistake you are being abused by your partner. Even were you the cause of his misery, he should still not treat you in such a way. Emotional abuse is so easy to excuse, on both sides, because you cannot physically see the damage and can easily believe that it isn't there. However survivors of abusive relationships agree that the bruises fade and heal far more quickly than the emotional damage.

    I spent 3 1/2 years in an abusive relationship, and I still couldn't tell you when it stopped being a good relationship with bad days and became a bad relationship with good days. He made everything my fault, from his problems with his family to his bad days at work. By the end, I had become a shell of a person, apologetic for my mere existence. Please don't allow your partner to do the same to you, nor to teach your children that it is acceptable to treat other people in such a manner.

    I sincerely hope that you both find the help and support that you need to get through this xxx

  • On one hand it sounds like your man may be clinically depressed. In which case feeling grumpy, moaning a lot and a little irritable could easily be part of that. On the other hand it sounds like you’re suffering with some level of anxiety. Depression and anxiety are mental illnesses and not something to ‘not tolerate.’ Of course this goes in both directions. Maybe you should both speak to your GP. As well as getting therapy individually couples therapy may also be an option?

  • I don’t think it’s a sign of a “good” relationship for you to be walking on eggshells because he’s never nice to you. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have some worries about him taking a less secure job especially if money is already tight but it also depends exactly what the position is and the circumstances. You need to be able to have a proper talk about it without him throwing things back in your face though, successful relationships require good communication especially in the more difficult times. eg. If money is a real concern but it’s a real opportunity of a lifetime for him have you sat down together and worked out whether it’s feasible to make sacrifices to support the new position? As Simon said he could be deliberately controlling you, no one should feel obliged to accept anger directed at them 95% of the time. 

  • I don't think you should feel obliged to tolerate any of it. 'Grumpiness' can be a form of control, deliberately utilised.