Vicious cycle- how to motivate yourself when you feel like you have nothing left to fight for

Hi Ann,

The moment things went well for me I started to feel the low mood creep in. All the insecurities became overwhelming. This was 4 years ago. I do wonder if it was Burnout or depression,  but that's not relevant now.

Personally I find the low mood and things going wrong comforting in a strange way, although painful and awful, it feels more familiar. And familiar is comforting. I also find I'm scared that I have opportunities to turn what is unhappy into something hopeful. Perhaps it's the fear that I'm undeserving,  or that it will fall apart again.  It's kind if self sabotaging.

I wonder if any of this perhaps feels familiar to you?

Ann, you and others here have helped me so much. Yesterday I started to see what had been taken from me at work as an opportunity to train others, and allowing myself to do more of what I like. I'm still fighting the fears that I've misunderstood, or that the opportunity to release some pressure from me will ultimately fail. 

I tried, rather than to analyse what I wanted from what was happening, and researching what I thought I should do. Instead I sat with the emotions of it. I hope I'm making sense. I didn't allow my brain to tear it apart, instead to feel what I wanted and enjoy the hope of it.

I really hope that in some small way, something I've waffled about has given you some help.

I'm here if you want to chat, if you need a sounding board, or just a cheerleader on the sidelines shaking Pim poms for you. 

Hi, thanks- I thought I had already replied to you but I just saw that it didn't send. I can relate to this very much. I also think that I have become very used to struggling and I find change hard even at the best of times and part of me doesn't really want to get better. Like you say there is some comfort/familiarity in struggling so much even though it is so hard to bear. I've been trying to understand what is holding me back from committing to pull myself up and try and make things work. I think I'm scared. I feel like I have nothing worth fighting for. I don't know who I am if I am not struggling... I also think that I'll then have to deal with some uncomfortable memories and things that happened... And part of me feels like I don't deserve it. And I don't even remember ever being fine. Things were hard at school too and it's been so long that I have been struggling with things I don't even remember what it is like to feel ok. I need to find back some motivation because otherwise I don't stand a chance of things ever working out. 

I'm so happy that you managed to let yourself do what you like. I believe in you. 

I think it's very good advice to try and sit with the emotions. I've realised that with decisions I can usually rationalise any option but what I actually want just gets lost in all the thinking and pros and cons and it just gets super confusing and overwhelming... 

Thanks so much for your support. 

Hi, thanks- I thought I had already replied to you but I just saw that it didn't send. I can relate to this very much. I also think that I have become very used to struggling and I find change hard even at the best of times and part of me doesn't really want to get better. Like you say there is some comfort/familiarity in struggling so much even though it is so hard to bear. I've been trying to understand what is holding me back from committing to pull myself up and try and make things work. I think I'm scared. I feel like I have nothing worth fighting for. I don't know who I am if I am not struggling... I also think that I'll then have to deal with some uncomfortable memories and things that happened... And part of me feels like I don't deserve it. And I don't even remember ever being fine. Things were hard at school too and it's been so long that I have been struggling with things I don't even remember what it is like to feel ok. I need to find back some motivation because otherwise I don't stand a chance of things ever working out. 

I'm so happy that you managed to let yourself do what you like. I believe in you. 

I think it's very good advice to try and sit with the emotions. I've realised that with decisions I can usually rationalise any option but what I actually want just gets lost in all the thinking and pros and cons and it just gets super confusing and overwhelming... 

Thanks so much for your support. 

We do have to do it ourselves. Not because people don't care, but because it's the only way. Yet we don't have to do it alone.

I am so glad you are feeling more positive. You are strong. I like what you say about "Your struggles are valid but they are not what defines you". 

I can relate to school being awful... it was for me too. 

I think for me there is a lot of guilt- and somehow that also doesn't help... and struggling sometimes feels like it 'gives an excuse' to fail... I know this thinking is wrong in so many ways but it's there. For me I think sometimes I just want to be rescued, I'm craving that someone will take care of things as I feel so utterly incapable of coping in this world. But sadly noone can rescue me. I have to do it myself. I can get support yes but I think in the end it has to come from me... 

I hope tomorrow will be another more positive day for you!! 

"There's nothing neither good nor bad, that thinking makes it so." My favourite Shakespeare quote.

We can certainly convince ourselves of one thing, backed up with rationality, then completely flip our thinking in a way that also makes sense.

What you said about being scared was a light bulb moment for me. School was awful, and I had my ways of coping which are not suited to the adult world. I've never liked myself either, because I'm different. And it's scary to think of not having struggles or fears, as in some ways they become your armour. Also if you don't like what is your core self, there is no excuses left. It's all projected fear, yet fear feels real.

I can say this to you, but accepting it myself is another story.

Today I realised that I have to accept my diagnosis first. 

I am autistic. 

That's the second time I've ever typed it, and I've never said it out loud, even to myself.

I know I hide behind fears and struggles, I've known nothing else, and the unknown is scary.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You are doing your best at each given moment, and that is amazing. 

Today I'm feeling a little more positive. My heart is thumping and my face is in pain, but I'm trying. Tomorrow may be a different story, and my inner demons catch up. I'm sure I will have more days ahead where I want to end things.

Your struggles are valid, but they are not what defines you.