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Vicious cycle- how to motivate yourself when you feel like you have nothing left to fight for

Ann :)

Hi, I feel bad posting again, but I am really struggling. I have so many issues (burnout, stress/anxiety, eating issues and urgently need to gain weight etc) and I realised part of me just doesn't want to get better as I feel like I have no goal and nothing I like doing anymore. I had such a strong wish to do a PhD but now that I have offers, I felt no pleasure when I got them, just stress and the feeling that I must be a liar and none of them feel right for me. Having to decide what to do is giving me further agony- I desperately just want one of them to feel right and to motivate me so that I can have something I enjoy and want to work towards again but it all feels wrong for various reasons... but I have no idea what to to if I don't accept any of these. I don't like my job and there is nothing else I ever liked or am good at. 

The other thing that used to motivate me is my love for hiking and outdoor activities (running, cycling, riding etc), but due to injuries I haven't been able to do these for 3 years now and I am too underweight now anyways (which makes it a little easier to bear that I am trapped though of course it is not helping).

I feel like the 2 things that I love science and hiking are outside of my reach or I just don't really seem to care anymore. I am very goal orientated and I feel like I need something I believe in or some goal to work towards to get myself motivated to keep going and to try and break free from all of my problems- but at this point I have given up and don't know what I am still doing on this planet. I don't feel like there is anything left. It's sad and pathetic.

I'm so sorry for writing such a depressed post. I don't know what is wrong with me but I have 0 energy and fight left. I just want to disappear.  

Parents

  • Hi Ann,

    The moment things went well for me I started to feel the low mood creep in. All the insecurities became overwhelming. This was 4 years ago. I do wonder if it was Burnout or depression,  but that's not relevant now.

    Personally I find the low mood and things going wrong comforting in a strange way, although painful and awful, it feels more familiar. And familiar is comforting. I also find I'm scared that I have opportunities to turn what is unhappy into something hopeful. Perhaps it's the fear that I'm undeserving,  or that it will fall apart again.  It's kind if self sabotaging.

    I wonder if any of this perhaps feels familiar to you?

    Ann, you and others here have helped me so much. Yesterday I started to see what had been taken from me at work as an opportunity to train others, and allowing myself to do more of what I like. I'm still fighting the fears that I've misunderstood, or that the opportunity to release some pressure from me will ultimately fail. 

    I tried, rather than to analyse what I wanted from what was happening, and researching what I thought I should do. Instead I sat with the emotions of it. I hope I'm making sense. I didn't allow my brain to tear it apart, instead to feel what I wanted and enjoy the hope of it.

    I really hope that in some small way, something I've waffled about has given you some help.

    I'm here if you want to chat, if you need a sounding board, or just a cheerleader on the sidelines shaking Pim poms for you. 

Reply

  • Hi Ann,

    The moment things went well for me I started to feel the low mood creep in. All the insecurities became overwhelming. This was 4 years ago. I do wonder if it was Burnout or depression,  but that's not relevant now.

    Personally I find the low mood and things going wrong comforting in a strange way, although painful and awful, it feels more familiar. And familiar is comforting. I also find I'm scared that I have opportunities to turn what is unhappy into something hopeful. Perhaps it's the fear that I'm undeserving,  or that it will fall apart again.  It's kind if self sabotaging.

    I wonder if any of this perhaps feels familiar to you?

    Ann, you and others here have helped me so much. Yesterday I started to see what had been taken from me at work as an opportunity to train others, and allowing myself to do more of what I like. I'm still fighting the fears that I've misunderstood, or that the opportunity to release some pressure from me will ultimately fail. 

    I tried, rather than to analyse what I wanted from what was happening, and researching what I thought I should do. Instead I sat with the emotions of it. I hope I'm making sense. I didn't allow my brain to tear it apart, instead to feel what I wanted and enjoy the hope of it.

    I really hope that in some small way, something I've waffled about has given you some help.

    I'm here if you want to chat, if you need a sounding board, or just a cheerleader on the sidelines shaking Pim poms for you. 

Children
  • in reply to Pikl

    Hi, thanks- I thought I had already replied to you but I just saw that it didn't send. I can relate to this very much. I also think that I have become very used to struggling and I find change hard even at the best of times and part of me doesn't really want to get better. Like you say there is some comfort/familiarity in struggling so much even though it is so hard to bear. I've been trying to understand what is holding me back from committing to pull myself up and try and make things work. I think I'm scared. I feel like I have nothing worth fighting for. I don't know who I am if I am not struggling... I also think that I'll then have to deal with some uncomfortable memories and things that happened... And part of me feels like I don't deserve it. And I don't even remember ever being fine. Things were hard at school too and it's been so long that I have been struggling with things I don't even remember what it is like to feel ok. I need to find back some motivation because otherwise I don't stand a chance of things ever working out. 

    I'm so happy that you managed to let yourself do what you like. I believe in you. 

    I think it's very good advice to try and sit with the emotions. I've realised that with decisions I can usually rationalise any option but what I actually want just gets lost in all the thinking and pros and cons and it just gets super confusing and overwhelming... 

    Thanks so much for your support.