I wish I could go back in time, I miss everyone I've ever met

This is so beautifully put. I can relate to evertyhthing you say here, and to the other posters too. I want to add further thoughts but will have to do so later - right now it hits so close to home that it hurts intensely, even as it assures me that I'm not alone. Thanks, Ryu, for raising this crucial topic in the way you have. 

Hello Ryu, this really struck a chord with me. I've found that he only people that I've ever really clicked with are people like me - i.e. their default setting is to pretty much keep themselves to themselves. I agree that it's also easy to drive people away - in my case through over enthusiasm which I think is a common autistic trait?

If you live in or near a largely populated area there is Meetup of course. I used to quite like having a chat with random like-minded people from time to time. Maybe you have tried that?

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, but you sound like a fairly sociable sort of person if you've had many friends in the past. If so then that is definitely a big plus for you. Also we are *not* all the same. Friendships don't happen instantly. If people don't "get" you and/or don't give things a chance then that may say more about them than it does you.

Best wishes

This will be part of the Autistic experience, as we are impacted intensely. We have a difficult time dulling our senses like our neurotypcal peers, for a yet-as-unknown reason. So absolutely everything impacts us with a great deal more intensity, at a very intimate level, be it sound or aesthetic (smells, touch), psychological, intellectual or emotional. It's this deep impact that creates trauma with every day surroundings non-autistic individuals seem to filter out. There were some theories on this started in the 1950's which have never (to my knowledge) been examined properly by neuroscience. 

Regardless, I think it's important to find a balance. I've tried to be respectful of friends who don't have this kind of impact, now more that I know there is a hard difference. Before I understood this was one of the few very remarkable differences, I thought others were a bit mad or even sad to not be able to perceive the way I did. 

But now, I've come to realise when humans with a capacity to filter sense perception out do so, it also means they just don't have the kind of emotional polarising effect I do, nor are they as impacted as deep. I've come to learn it's better to learn what I value and find others who value the same. The heart is a volatile and beautiful place, better protected from those who don't understand and deeply, but sparingly given to those who do. Choose your friends wisely, we don't need many, just the right ones will do :)

i totally understand .  im similar i feel so much pain from missing people and it wont go.  id do anything for people but its like i will never be what they want or enough to be loved.  

I hear your comment Ryu. It is something I struggle with - particularly regarding different values given to the friendship, and particularly long afterwards the absence (and the wish to continue the conversations, etc, that are not existing anywhere but in thought.)

I've been lucky in my friends. For every dozen who don't get me, NT or ND, I've met the ones that count. The ones with off beat thinking and open minds. I've been lucky, but, I hear you. It's hard to meet people on your wave length.

I'm so sorry you feel so alone, but you know yourself drink can't fix it. Maybe, getting involved with a project helping others might. Just a thought.