I am very deranged with a history of delusions and mania, I am just looking for help and it's very hard to apply for one.
I want to commit suicide, but I can't take it anymore. I am sorry!
I am very deranged with a history of delusions and mania, I am just looking for help and it's very hard to apply for one.
I want to commit suicide, but I can't take it anymore. I am sorry!
That's a good idea Autonomistic, I'll try that out. I did actually make some notes before, and they are still folded up in my coat pocket! It's stuff that goes further back so I keep deferring getting to it!
I can identify with that as well. Anxiety means that I either go blank and mute or start talking about something trivial that is not the pressing thing to talk about.
Our autistic brains like structure and planning. Maybe you could write things down as they happen during the week. It will take some of the pressure off, as you won't have to keep thoughts going round in your head until the next appointment. You could either give those notes to your therapist or use them yourself to set an 'agenda', so that you cover what you actually want to talk about.
I can identify with that thing with your therapist. I have so many points during the week where I think ‘just this trigger, this moment, this intensely awful feeling could take up the fifty mins on its own’. Then the next few days bring several additional moments of overwhelm, each seeming to demand that it is the most pressing one to talk about. But somehow, come the session, many of those things sit behind a locked door, embarrassingly elusive when they were so important just days or hours before. I’ll still find words - too many!- spilling out of me (sometimes I go mute, or struggle to form sentences but mostly it just pours out) but the time flies past so quickly that the surface is barely scratched. And I have to go back to a week of waiting before I once again say anything overt about the fundamental weirdness and hardship of just existing inside this head while everyone else makes it all look so easy.
Hi NAS80442, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time. If you feel that you might need some further support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help.
All the best,
Anna Mod
I feel like I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do— not skipping meals, cooking a lot, working, exercising, having hobbies and friends, taking my meds, and still I’m struggling. Anxiety, depression, and eating disorder tendencies/terrible body image are still negatively affecting my life.
Even though I’m having more good days due to my healthier routine, when I have bad days, (or more commonly, nights), it wrecks me for a few days. I’m trying to figure out what to say to my therapist and psychiatrist at my next appointments but I just feel like what else can I really do? More meds, different meds, who knows, it feels like a crapshoot.
The desire to give in to the depression is so, so strong and it’s pulling on me so badly that I’m near tears at my desk just thinking about it.
I’m so sorry you’re so depressed. Please don’t give up hope. I know I’ve suffered from suicidal thoughts before I was even diagnosed with autism. I get your pain. Try journaling or drawing. Or watching your favorite tv show. I know doing these things helps me. Please don’t try to hurt yourself. I’m here if you need me.
I was lucky, when my life was like yours (as you describe it) I was given a cat.
1. Unless you are a complete "basket case", no matter how crappy you feel, you soon realise that you have to look after your cat no matter what. And then one day, (several days, or several years after you first met, I've had both, something goes click in your cat's tiny mind, and they become you amazingly powerful little friend.
Then, for a few years, you are no longer "alone".
You, like me swing between up and down, possibly a little more than I do, but I can relate to everything you have written, so far. What you need to do in order to "recover" and defeat your diagnosis, is "lessen your affect". Just as films and carefully written text can change the way you feel, YOU can also change the way you feel, by feeding yourself information.
Here's a bad example, (that I am quite good at). I can be happily doing something that does not require ferocious concentration and my mind wanders of into random thoughts. IF those thoughts lead me to think about my family, who have in my opinion (and experience) failed me in nearly every way it is possible to fail, my mood eventually changes. If I am having a ragingly succesful day, I try deliberately to NOT enjoy it at the time, but "just get on with whatever I am doing and I'll enjoy it later". This sort of thing helps to dampen the amplitude of the mood swings, and I am seeking to replay euphoria, with contentment, and rage with competence.
As an Autist I lack interioception, so figuring out my own feelings was difficult, and I'd end up in a strong emotional state without realising it. BUIT eventually I learned to look at my own behaviour or topics of thought, and I found that as my mood changed so did my behavior. So if I found myself thinking about my family a lot, and making stupid mistakes, then I'd just know it's time to go and do something different.
Being able to actually take ownership of my own emotional state has been difficult although it got immensely easier after my diagnosis of autism/add. Pity I was nearly sixty before I got one... ("I could have been a contender" etc. etc.. ;c)
To say my emotional state varies wildly would be sort of an understatement. Its not that I have crazy mood swings and go from really happy to suddenly sad, bipolar doesn't work like that but there are days when I wake up and my brain decides that I will be soul crushingly sad for the next month for no reason, and the above comment is the perfect summarization of that feeling. you just want nothingness. you don't want to eat you don't even want to get up. you don't like what you're watching but you don't want to change the channel.you don't like that your apartment is dirty but you don't want to take the time to clean it. and so you sit there and hate yourself and call yourself pathetic and childish and selfish, and it only makes the depression more severe and makes you just want to waste away like the pile of dust you see yourself as.
Then the really dangerous thoughts begin. you start to try to justify your existence in an attempt to cheer yourself up. I mean, logic says that it can't be all bad right?you search for something, anything positive that you done for your environment or for the people around you. you try to imagine what would have happened if you hadn't been involved. if you weren't there. would they be happier? would they have made better decisions without your influence?
For myself this train of thought seems to be to measure the impact that I've had on the people around me because what worth is your life if after its over you're just forgotten and everything goes on like nothing happened?
Before I go on I should mention that I abhor suicide. that's like cutting off your arm to stop an itch on your elbow. When my bipolar disorder swings back around to happy land I go from 0 to sonder in no time flat and I feel like a monk who has achieved zen. Everything is wonderful everything's for me I have days where I am just on fire everything I say makes people laugh everything I do turns out alright and by the end of the day I feel amazing.
It's weird but the good days save me from the bad days. Comparing my thought processes before and after the depression actually shows me how irrational I'm being and give me a chance to cheer up a little bit.
Life is unfair. Mental health services are stretched to breaking point. There are charities (such as Sane and the Samaritans) who try and help, but they too are stretched to breaking point.
Please don't give up. There is a whole community on here who understand the challenges. We may not be good at comforting but we do understand.
hi
It all sounds like sotry of many of us here, and suicide isn't as easy as media poctures
except as is often a case
a history of delusions and mania
is what others pushed on you and made you believe and it is often miscommunication, or intentional miscommunication in order to gaslight us
don't be sorry you did nothing wrong
but if you want us to help you deal with particular problems you need to describe them
I don't know how to do patting on a shoulder very well,
if you've seen BigBangTheory episode when Sheldon is trying to comfort with 'There, there'', it looks like that
