.but as I said I believe the person that was born in this body died in 2003 when I was 13 there is just a hollow shell now capable of nothing but hate and evil .
you said this and yet you are trying to make friends with strangers i can understand your reasoning but someone only capable of hate an evil wouldn't be out making friends unless to form a cult or something i hate the general public they give off some serious ick vibes and yet your going out of your way to befriend some random ass stranger ....i wasn't going to reply but i couldn't not stop and point out the cognitive dissonance in how you acted vs how you felt they don't equate. keep the process going join hobby clubs go on walks around your area keep trying friends come an go and not everyone is a ***
.but as I said I believe the person that was born in this body died in 2003 when I was 13 there is just a hollow shell now capable of nothing but hate and evil .
you said this and yet you are trying to make friends with strangers i can understand your reasoning but someone only capable of hate an evil wouldn't be out making friends unless to form a cult or something i hate the general public they give off some serious ick vibes and yet your going out of your way to befriend some random ass stranger ....i wasn't going to reply but i couldn't not stop and point out the cognitive dissonance in how you acted vs how you felt they don't equate. keep the process going join hobby clubs go on walks around your area keep trying friends come an go and not everyone is a ***
As an Autist it is easy to find oneself constantly under "psychic attack".
I fell into the habit of mendacity at a very early age indeed, and even a half century later I'm STILL on-guard against the horrible trap of believing my own bullshi7...
I think the O/P has been shaken up at least as strongly as I have by their recent diagnosis, and I've read that it can take a person 4 YEARS to assimilate the news. It's taken me two years to feel a bit more comfortable about myself again. But on the plus side I now feel more comfortable with and like myself more than I ever did before diagnosis.
Now, I feel, I am allowed to be myself without blame for the stuff I genuinely cannot do. Instead of feeling guilt and shame for not being able to be fully "normie" or "failing", I can only feel acceptance for the things I now know I cannot change, and some sympathy for those of the normie persuasion who will be inconvenienced or annoyed by the way I am.
But I also feel I no longer have to take any external crap over my limitations.
So now I have no job, little chance of getting one, no dole, because my partner earns too much, constant restrictions on how much money I can spend (or waste by leaving the lights on in HER house where SHE pays the bills). So that's no car, no motorcyles any more, no flying, no social status, little respect from anyone, (less, in fact from some quarters since my Autism diagnosis).
At first it was horrific, and I fell into depression. Until I realised, one day that with the lack of all those trappings and financial turnover, I was actually completely debt free, and my time is largely my own.
Since I realised that, and just started doing what I want, and lacking the required wisdom (and time) to re-form my own life framework from scratch, adopted the example of Jesus Christ's life as I read it in the New Testament to keep me from making the really serious "human blunders" whilst I learn to enjoy what remains of my life, I have:
Become "luckier".
Become a landowner.
Participated sucessfully in framing some of the U.K.'s current air law.
Made more friends.
I'm an equal partner in what appears to be a ground breaking scientific endeavour.
Become overall happier and more well adjusted, at an age when it's all supposed to be frozen in stone.
Life I see as like having been dealt a hand of cards in a card game. The game is more fun if you know how to play it and which are you good cards. When you have learned all that and realise that you are in fact holding a rubbish hand, then the objective for a sane person becomes not to "Win" but to simply enjoy participating in the game and play what cards you do have as well as they can possibly be played.
