As an Autist it is easy to find oneself constantly under "psychic attack".
I fell into the habit of mendacity at a very early age indeed, and even a half century later I'm STILL on-guard against the horrible trap of believing my own bullshi7...
I think the O/P has been shaken up at least as strongly as I have by their recent diagnosis, and I've read that it can take a person 4 YEARS to assimilate the news. It's taken me two years to feel a bit more comfortable about myself again. But on the plus side I now feel more comfortable with and like myself more than I ever did before diagnosis.
Now, I feel, I am allowed to be myself without blame for the stuff I genuinely cannot do. Instead of feeling guilt and shame for not being able to be fully "normie" or "failing", I can only feel acceptance for the things I now know I cannot change, and some sympathy for those of the normie persuasion who will be inconvenienced or annoyed by the way I am.
But I also feel I no longer have to take any external crap over my limitations.
So now I have no job, little chance of getting one, no dole, because my partner earns too much, constant restrictions on how much money I can spend (or waste by leaving the lights on in HER house where SHE pays the bills). So that's no car, no motorcyles any more, no flying, no social status, little respect from anyone, (less, in fact from some quarters since my Autism diagnosis).
At first it was horrific, and I fell into depression. Until I realised, one day that with the lack of all those trappings and financial turnover, I was actually completely debt free, and my time is largely my own.
Since I realised that, and just started doing what I want, and lacking the required wisdom (and time) to re-form my own life framework from scratch, adopted the example of Jesus Christ's life as I read it in the New Testament to keep me from making the really serious "human blunders" whilst I learn to enjoy what remains of my life, I have:
Become "luckier".
Become a landowner.
Participated sucessfully in framing some of the U.K.'s current air law.
Made more friends.
I'm an equal partner in what appears to be a ground breaking scientific endeavour.
Become overall happier and more well adjusted, at an age when it's all supposed to be frozen in stone.
Life I see as like having been dealt a hand of cards in a card game. The game is more fun if you know how to play it and which are you good cards. When you have learned all that and realise that you are in fact holding a rubbish hand, then the objective for a sane person becomes not to "Win" but to simply enjoy participating in the game and play what cards you do have as well as they can possibly be played.
.but as I said I believe the person that was born in this body died in 2003 when I was 13 there is just a hollow shell now capable of nothing but hate and evil .
you said this and yet you are trying to make friends with strangers i can understand your reasoning but someone only capable of hate an evil wouldn't be out making friends unless to form a cult or something i hate the general public they give off some serious ick vibes and yet your going out of your way to befriend some random ass stranger ....i wasn't going to reply but i couldn't not stop and point out the cognitive dissonance in how you acted vs how you felt they don't equate. keep the process going join hobby clubs go on walks around your area keep trying friends come an go and not everyone is a ***
Society is not all bad, but you have experienced bad things and formed beliefs because of this about others, and yourself. Our brains like to keep things the same, and look for signs that are beliefs are correct. Very much like how social media works, what you feed it affects what you are fed back.
People are very much animals still driven by urges to compete to survive, eat, breed, but able to think and talk on top of that which makes people complicated. Understanding people better including yourself can help. You can't change what people do, only how you do deal with people and react. Autistic people don't usually get to learn this early in life and get left behind and are vulnerable, but its something to try to learn to help you get through life. I recommend the book 'The Chimp Paradox' by Prof Steve Peters, it describes the human brain and how we still animals driven by internal urges, but also how to manage yourself despite what others do or have done.
Its OK to be more comfortable with women than men, given what has happened that would be understandable, but you admit you are trying to form more intimate friendships (perhaps relationships?) with other women, while already in a relationship with a woman. You explain it isn't sexual, we can only trust that is so, in which case it may be other needs you have and worth thinking about what is you are seeking. Your partner may not appreciate your pursuit/need of other women, have you thought about that, what do you really feel about her if you are reaching for other women.
Hollow shell people isn't really a thing, you aren't scooped out by others or life. Its more likely to be a state of withdrawl into yourself because of what's happened, how your autism affects you, what you think/believe, and what you pick up from others and the world. It can also be burnout, where years of being anxious, stressed, and getting through life can take its toll.
You might be capable of hate and evil, but anyone can choose those things so you aren't any worse, in any case that's just your thoughts and beliefs talking. Its a mindset thing, most people stick to the mindset they have developed, but at any point you can change it - just nobody tells you. It doesn't change the world, but if you have a mindset that makes you feel better in the world then it can help with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Not necessarily a cure, its very much about learning to manage yourself daily.
Reaching for others for comfort or to fix us doesn't usually work for long, other people can quickly work that out or will after a while.
You may want to talk to your partner about who you are, and she might be able help you on your journey - if you don't, she may come to her own conclusions about you and what you are doing.
I've been polite and non-judgemental to genuinely offer help and guidance, but be very careful about trying to explain away your interest in intimate friendships/relationships, 'stalking' could very well be a freudian slip in your case, and predatory behaviour is not funny or clever for women or yourself, don't go down that road.
You can improve your chances of making and keeping friends by studying how people work. I recommend a book called "Games People Play" by Eric Berne,
It's kind of a dummies guide to how most human beings structure their relationships.
But way cheaper, available used on eBay!
I can definitely relate to what you have written here Automator. It is true that friendships don't just instantly 'happen' and do take time to develop.
Its difficult for non-autistic people to just make friends, so don't beat yourself up - you may have tried too hard and spooked her, you may have said something she didn't like, but you don't have the feedback to know for sure so guessing is not helpful.
Its better to learn about these things, and ourselves, be more confident about yourself and how you interact with people.
You can't just be friends with someone you like, its better to wait for a friendship to develop over time.
I get the weird feeling you are describing here too. There are a select few people that I feel entirely comfortable around. Everyone else, i just have the feeling that they are humouring me and that secretly they dislike me. I don’t think they are in reality though, it’s probably just the way I’m interpreting things.
You are not weird. You are an individual who struggles with aspects of communication. I think all of us here have experienced this in our lives and often have blamed ourselves, thinking we are failures in some way.
I have always struggled with making friends. I can talk to people up to a point but then somewhere along the line it all goes a bit wrong and I can never see why. It's frustrating and upsetting but I now realise it's not my fault it's just how I'm
