.but as I said I believe the person that was born in this body died in 2003 when I was 13 there is just a hollow shell now capable of nothing but hate and evil .
you said this and yet you are trying to make friends with strangers i can understand your reasoning but someone only capable of hate an evil wouldn't be out making friends unless to form a cult or something i hate the general public they give off some serious ick vibes and yet your going out of your way to befriend some random ass stranger ....i wasn't going to reply but i couldn't not stop and point out the cognitive dissonance in how you acted vs how you felt they don't equate. keep the process going join hobby clubs go on walks around your area keep trying friends come an go and not everyone is a ***
Society is not all bad, but you have experienced bad things and formed beliefs because of this about others, and yourself. Our brains like to keep things the same, and look for signs that are beliefs are correct. Very much like how social media works, what you feed it affects what you are fed back.
People are very much animals still driven by urges to compete to survive, eat, breed, but able to think and talk on top of that which makes people complicated. Understanding people better including yourself can help. You can't change what people do, only how you do deal with people and react. Autistic people don't usually get to learn this early in life and get left behind and are vulnerable, but its something to try to learn to help you get through life. I recommend the book 'The Chimp Paradox' by Prof Steve Peters, it describes the human brain and how we still animals driven by internal urges, but also how to manage yourself despite what others do or have done.
Its OK to be more comfortable with women than men, given what has happened that would be understandable, but you admit you are trying to form more intimate friendships (perhaps relationships?) with other women, while already in a relationship with a woman. You explain it isn't sexual, we can only trust that is so, in which case it may be other needs you have and worth thinking about what is you are seeking. Your partner may not appreciate your pursuit/need of other women, have you thought about that, what do you really feel about her if you are reaching for other women.
Hollow shell people isn't really a thing, you aren't scooped out by others or life. Its more likely to be a state of withdrawl into yourself because of what's happened, how your autism affects you, what you think/believe, and what you pick up from others and the world. It can also be burnout, where years of being anxious, stressed, and getting through life can take its toll.
You might be capable of hate and evil, but anyone can choose those things so you aren't any worse, in any case that's just your thoughts and beliefs talking. Its a mindset thing, most people stick to the mindset they have developed, but at any point you can change it - just nobody tells you. It doesn't change the world, but if you have a mindset that makes you feel better in the world then it can help with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Not necessarily a cure, its very much about learning to manage yourself daily.
Reaching for others for comfort or to fix us doesn't usually work for long, other people can quickly work that out or will after a while.
You may want to talk to your partner about who you are, and she might be able help you on your journey - if you don't, she may come to her own conclusions about you and what you are doing.
I've been polite and non-judgemental to genuinely offer help and guidance, but be very careful about trying to explain away your interest in intimate friendships/relationships, 'stalking' could very well be a freudian slip in your case, and predatory behaviour is not funny or clever for women or yourself, don't go down that road.
