Mental torture

The whole point of the Industrial Revolution was to reduce the requirement for human labour! Guess what folks? It worked really well!

The glorious challenge for many of us is to find something to do that is both fulfilling or at l;east not work, either that or compete for "makework" or menial work or one of the very few "real" jobs out there. And when you do find a decent job then beware of "instability". Al the primo jobs I've had ended in a corporate takeover or some other externally applied unexpected rubbish. 

You've made it to 39 with autism and raised a child, you ain't useless. I'd advise you to start finding your happiness in simply being alive, and doing whatever you can find to do that makes the world, or your family, or your own life a bit better. Education is now free of charge via the internet, with practical skills training on youtube. 

If you can decouple yourself from the belief that a "meaningful job" makes money, and replace that with "A meaningful job is one that got me the result I was looking for" you will start to find your own productivity & power. I turned down a paying job last week, (and god knows I could put some money to good use right now) because a swift investigation revealed it was not what I wanted it to be. You are about to hit forty, which for me was an age when things started to make more sense. Allow yourself to take more control as you feel the wisdom start to form. 

USE that freedom that Messrs Boulton & Watt bestowed upon you back in the 19th century! Hardly anyone else does. 

You are not beyond useless. I have read gut wrenching poetry by non-verbal autistic people, who can never live alone, to inspire the world.

You WILL have skills to contribute something, even many things to the world. It"s just about accepting you as you are, identifying your strengths and weaknesses, then making your contribution, whilst also accepting the help where you need it.

Not working is my dream. Maybe the grass is always greener on the other side, but I hate working. My biggest goal in life is to not have to work again.

You’re giving yourself an awfully hard time about not working when (if I’ve read the stats correctly) you’re among the 80% or more of autistic people who aren’t in full time permanent employment. Raising a child is something I can only imagine but I can see how all consuming and exhausting it must be- that’s an incredible use of your time and venturing into the world of formal employment  isn’t something you need to do to prove yourself. Maybe it’s something you want, but if it’s just because you think you ‘should’ then maybe give yourself permission to think otherwise. 

It was an paid  apprenticeship with s autism charity social enterprise

Guess they wanted to give me a chance

How did you manage to convince them with a long absence

Known the feeling , I get that 

But 

You are not useless 

I didn't get my first job until 35