As the title says.
Since I'm incapable of speaking correctly, I've decided I won't speak at all. Is there a way to forcibly become completely non-verbal without actively harming oneself? I haven't decided if I want to attempt communication in some other fashion yet. I just know talking is off the table.
Their title, be it "family", "friend", "spouse", whoever they are, those titled do not matter if they are hurting you and mistreating you,
I cut contact with my family for that reason percisely. Last time I talked to any of them was 4 years ago, and I do not miss them a bit. They keep sending me emails though, so I will have to change my address probably to be 100% free.
If you're unhappy about the treatment others give you, that is enough of a reason to know that they are not the right people for you. Their title, be it "family", "friend", "spouse", whoever they are, those titled do not matter if they are hurting you and mistreating you, enough to close yourself off and repress your voice, then that is enough of a reason, a sign, that they are not good for you. Yes, when you're around the wrong people, they'll hurt you so badly, you'll be scared of trying doing anything at all, because you're paralysed with fear of doing the wrong thing that upsets them. Wharever will make you genuinely happy makes them upset, and what makes you upset makes them happy.
It's not really strength that made me cut ties to family, it's more like I care about them, but limiting contact with them was the only way to stop the negativity. They cannot be talked to or reasoned with, and they can do harm on many levels. If you're not in their environment and you're not interacting with them, they don't have the opportunity to harm you, control you, criticise you, and you have the freedom to be your genuine self.
I mean whatever they do with the rest of their life is fine, they can be happy doing whatever they're doing, be it causing chaos or becoming a saint and helping people, that's all fine, but it does not make me want to welcome them back into my life with open arms again. They can say they've changed, good for them, I'm happy for them, but they've damaged our relationship in the past too much for me to feel comfortable around them again. I'm not looking for people who change temporarily, but I'm looking for people who are genuinely good inside and and out.
A family who wants you to be completely perfect and good at everything, can't expect good results from criticising you to the point that you're paralysed with fear and you do not want to speak or do anything wrong. They imposed limits and repressed you to the point that you are beginning to impose limits and repress yourself. Perhaps they have narcissistic traits.
It was my family who gave me the option of leaving the house. It was either I never visit my partner again and I could stay with my family, or if I chose my partner I'd be kicked out of the house. They didn't like that I'd chose my partner over them, because they wanted to be first all the time, even if they didn't treat me well. Trying to make equal time for both of them didn't work because family wanted ALL my time. My family didn't think I would choose being kicked out of the house, knowing what a weak willed and scared person I was, but I chose to leave them. Me and my partner went over to my family's house, my mother (who didn't see that my partner was there behind me) put me down, and that sealed the decision I made to leave the family. Me and my partner put my valuables into garbage bags, and we hauled those items on foot for a half an hour till we reached my partner's house. It was basically choosing freedom or being locked behind bars, and I chose freedom.
That's a truly terrible position to be in. I'm glad you got out of that situation and are now in a place of greater freedom.
You kind of hit the nail on the head. After reading all the comments here I'm still struggling to find an answer that feels right to me personally. All I really want is for the negativity to stop. This is good advice, and I do know of at least one person who always makes me feel safe and heard. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to cut those parts of my family off, though maybe in the distant future I'll be able to limit my interactions with them a little. I constantly flounder back and forth on whether to work at becoming independent, because as much as I can't take the constant putdowns, dismissals and invalidations from certain people, I also know that to an extent they're right and I would struggle even harder on my own. My situation isn't quite as outright abusive as yours, so in that sense I'm lucky and ought to be grateful, right?
My 'genuine self' seems to put a lot of people off. I've never acted maliciously or intentionally caused problems, but I'm so used to being told I'm in some way incorrect that now I'm terrified to ever try, which of course just invites more anger and disappointment. I don't really want to be whatever 'normal' is, but I just feel so lost now, all the time. I may as well be invisible until I either screw up or do something of actual value in their eyes.
Isn't it terrible that I sometimes wish I was abused, just so I'd have a clearer view of 'fault'?
I used to make others angry over what I said, they'd shout things at me like to shut up, nobody wants to listen to you, and they'd even get so mad they'd hit me into silence, threatening more violence if I chose to speak and say anything "stupid" again. I could not even voice when I was hungry for food, because that would make them angry, so a lot of my basic needs were not met. So I'd want to silence myself, not speak, not talk, and repress my voice, because I was afraid that I'd cause something bad to happen.
But then as I was around other people, they'd appreciate the things I say to them because it was helpful to them, even the smallest thing. So I gradually learned to use my voice more, even through the fear that something bad would happen to me (like being yelled at and hurt), because it's being genuine to myself and true to the things I want to say, and I'd really like to be able to say something and be understood and listened to, and for my words to be reciprocated.
But if someone does not like what I say and responds negatively, puts me down, makes fun of me, yells at me, hurts me, then I know they are used to crossing the line with other people, so I'll say what I need to say, and then I'll ultimately stop interacting with that person and cut contact with them. Those signs of bad treatment towards you are signs that they're not good people to keep in your life, so you don't need those people around you. I've cut contact to family and friends who treated me negatively. Surround yourself with people who will listen to what you have to say, who will even tell you that they want to hear your voice, hear you speak, hear what you want to say, and you can be your genuine true self around.
My son has selective mutism and because of this I’d like to put forward to you the idea that not talking at all brings its own problems too. It might be that there is a middle ground for you between talking and not talking (ie strategies about taking more time to think about how you word things etc) that might work for you? Not talking at all for a long time might impact on your mental health, and if you do it for a long time it might be hard to return to being verbal if you wanted to do this. Either way I would give yourself time to think about this before deciding. Good luck with your decision :)
Normally I would agree with you, but rather, that's exactly what's gotten me into this mess. I'm dealing with the sort of people who will step right over that line, then dig in their heels and tell me there was never a line in the first place. Raising my voice turns me into the unstable aggressor.
Sorry I took so long to respond. If people don’t accept you speaking your own mind and giving your own opinions, then they don’t value you. You shouldn’t feel like you have to be silent in order for things to be better, this is people pleasing. You deserve to be accepted for who you are, there may be a mismatch of communication styles. This means you may feel like you have to keep justifying yourself.
I'm just tired of feeling like the oddity and outsider.
I am sorry you feel like this. Hopefully you feel like you can connect with us and the wider autistic community. Maybe you need to find your own autistic tribe. Would you want to join a social group for autistic people?
https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/branches
I hope this helps.
ahh what you need isnt to be none verbal, what you need is to be louder, be more assertive. if someone tries to shut you up push back and make your voice heard and shut them up instead and see how they feel like being oppressed and stepped on instead to show how they were wrong. get angry at them and hold ground and shut them up instead. make it known they crossed a line and got shoved right back across it and shown their place.
I was communicating with one word sentences until 10. I did stutter a lot until 14, when my math teacher came with brilliant idea, to appease literature teacher i joined school theatre. They thought me how to pronounce and how to display certain attitudes,like angry, or upset. Without it i don't think i would make it padt school
Sounds like some people are not getting what it is you want to communicate and how.
I find writing in some contexts more productive. The emotional element isn't evident.
Getting this, but you can talk. Maybe it's just a question of knowing which communication medium fits whom, or knowing who you can talk to about what, rather than not doing it at all.
Hello, thanks for taking the time to respond.
So many times whenever I talk I just upset and anger those around me or make them uncomfortable. I'm told I'm allowed to have my own opinions, but the majority of the time when I express them I get shut down or told I'm wrong. I'm just tired of feeling like the oddity and outsider. I have decided speaking my mind causes too many problems and makes me feel awful. So if I can be silent from now on and just be a good little robot, maybe things will get better.
I suppose I could just lie, but I've never been very good at that...
Hello, I am sorry you feel this way. What do you mean when you say you are incapable of speaking correctly? There is no right or wrong way to speak or communicate.
