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denial?

NAS78058

My beautiful partner is showing some resistance to me saying I think he is autistic. I know this will be a shock to him and who likes someone telling you what you think are aspects of your person which some may say are not ideal? (not me, thats him saying it)  by all means I totally understand this. We all have aspects of our personality we dont want to face and believe me, I have mine. 

He has never faced this before. Am I wrong in trying to get him to accept this about himself? I know he struggles and I love him and want to do what is best for him, be that leave it alone or support him as he discovers this. 

Any advice will be appreciated.

I do think his autism has negatively impacted huge parts of his life- losing his home and being financially ruined for one as he cannot deal with everyday bills and financial doings. In the same sentence he is also a brilliant person with an extraordinary mind. While I am ordinary, he is extra- ordinary and I celebrate this, but I dont want him to suffer in certain parts of his life anymore.

What do I do? I am moving things on slowly and talking to him, but I wanted t get some feedback from the wider community in regards to how to approach the subject with him.

I am a teacher and am trained in SEN. I have lived with him for 2 years and can see various behaviours which point me towards autism.

Thank you for reading this and if you can help, I will be very grateful.

Jane.

  • Your partner is, it appears, working from a very negative view of autism. My suggestion would be that this needs to be addressed before he can start to move towards accepting an autistic identity for himself. 

  • Hi Jane, you mentioned that there are areas in his life where he has significant struggles - does he accept that he has difficulties in these areas or is he unaware? If he knows the things that he is not good at then forget the label and just deal with the day-to-day facts. Support him where he needs it and maybe be aware of some of the other aspects of his life that he may find a challenge if he is autistic.

    Speaking from my personal experience (currently going through diagnosis) I would find an autism diagnosis helpful in some respects (understanding of why I'm different to many of my peers, better specific coping strategies and advice) but I have to admit a little sad in others as my struggles today will likely be with me for the rest of my life. Perhaps at the moment he is leaning more on the latter. Many people in this group have expressed that their diagnosis was a positive thing, but maybe that's because they are further along their journey of acceptance and he just needs a bit more time.  

  • Thank you so much Dawn for taking the time to answer my post. I appreciate your advice and it all makes total sense. 
    I shall endeavour to do my best .

    take care

  • Your care for him is very evident, but beyond pointing out the possibility there is nothing you can do.

    Some of us find in our diagnosis the answers to all our questions ever and find that life affirming. Others are saddened and struggle to accept what they see as a defect, they just want to be "normal" whatever that means.

    But we each must get there on our own in order to make use of that fact about ourselves.

    All you can do is quietly treat him 'as if'. Navigate your relationship assuming he won't know what you want unless you tell him, taking on the organisational and financial tasks for him. Supporting him if he he misjudged the social situations around him. Advocating for him when necessary.