Death

My mum has sadly died. I've not experienced death before so I'm not really understanding what's happening. I feel bad because I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything. Is that normal? She was my mum and I loved her but I'm not feeling anything since she went.

I'm worried about how I'm going to continue on without mum. She did everything for me despite the fact I'm in my 20s. I can't communicate very well. I don't know how to do money, no job, can't cook, can't drive. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'm all on my own and I'm scared.

  • It's completely normal to have a range of emotions, and everyone processes grief differently. Feeling numb or not experiencing sadness right away is not uncommon. Grief can manifest in various ways and doesn't follow a specific timeline.

  • Snowflake, the tone of your post indicates that you cared for her a great deal. Given what you describe of your relationship, it is very likely that she would have known this. There is nothing wrong with your response. There will be difficulties ahead; break down the problems into smaller problems and tackle them one by one; others in this thread have given you good advice about agencies to request help from. I suspect that you are more resilient and resourceful than you currently imagine.

  • I'm so sorry for your loss sf

    First time death experiences are really hard. I had it with my proper dad and I didn't express my emotions and how I felt until way later on

    Your going through the normal motions and everything your feeling is right

    Focus on now and don't worry about tomorrow your doing great so far

    Do you have brothers or sisters

    A support team?

    It's important to reach out to those around you so they can help you through this difficult time

    Be sure to keep posting here so we can help give you support. Clearly lots of caring people here who are looking out for you

  • PLINKY and EXIST:

    I understand that certain things are triggering for you both and I understand your need to both get your point across because of what you have both been through.  I think SNOWFLAKE is needing a lot of help just now and that must be everyones focus as she is only 20 and is really needing our help.  Lets put our differences aside and rack our brains in ways that we can support a young person who has lost their main support person.

    Yes, You are absolutely correct here.

    This is not our thread to disrupt. 

    And, Snowflake, if you're reading this. Apologies for the deviation in your time of need.


  • My mum has sadly died.

    Oh bless you Snowflake and you have my heartfelt condolences.


    I've not experienced death before so I'm not really understanding what's happening. I feel bad because I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything. Is that normal? She was my mum and I loved her but I'm not feeling anything since she went.

    Not feeling anything is normal when people close to us die, very much so yes ~ usually due to shock and feeling as such emotionally stunned.


    I'm worried about how I'm going to continue on without mum.

    Well that is in every way understandable and very reasonable at this very difficult time for you.


    She did everything for me despite the fact I'm in my 20s.

    We all develop in our own way and in our own time, and that is to be expected and respected.


    I can't communicate very well.

    You write very well indeed though.


    I don't know how to do money, no job, can't cook, can't drive. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'm all on my own and I'm scared.

    Well you may be alone physically but in terms of written words the community here will keep you company.

    In terms of dealing with money, cooking and transport etcetera ~ I think it probably best to write an email much like you have here very well to your Doctor and he or she will get in touch with the Adult Social Care team at your local County Council for you, and they will see that your support needs are assessed and provided for.

    Again you have my heartfelt condolences, and bless you every step of the way.

    D.T.


  • Hi Plinky.

    I'm sorry if I upset and offended you. That was not my intention in any way whatsoever.

    In an attempt to clarify, my use of the word 'strong' was not in the context of male vs female, strong vs weak. It was quick grab word for resilience / flexibility / overcoming, not about power or competition.

    I was thinking more along the lines of bamboo or similar. Strong but flexible, resilient and versatile. Able to bend and adapt.

    That is what I actually meant, I was just being lazy and didn't think of a better term.

    I haven't taken it personally, I was just a bit confused by a single word causing such an issue in the context of everything else I'd written in my original comment.

    I don't think things through sometimes, and for that I'm sorry, and I'm rarely sorry.

  • I think you are deliberately misconstruing my intention in this context. 

    No. You are incorrect. To pin me down as a person who would do that is disgusting. I had that **** at school a lifetime ago. I was replying with my experience and you took it personally. 

    [IM SO ******* ANGRY AND UPSET RIGHT NOW]

    [Edited by Moderator]

  • My mum has sadly died.

    Hi SF,

    Thank you for reaching out on here.  Everyone deals with loss in a different way.  To help comfort you,  I felt numb for a long time before I was able to face the fact my Dad was dead.  I went through lots of different emotions and still do but time does make it easier to manage a life without that person.

    Do you have friends/family/organisations to contact to help with the basics of living?  You have probably already checked out the "advice and guidance" tab of this website to see if there are any places you can contact to help with money/work/cooking skills/driving etc.....

    I can understand that your mind will be a whirl of all the things you can't do which is scary.  This is an opportunity to reach out and take each small step to get help.  It is scary losing your main support system but you are already proving to yourself that you can reach out to other forms of support, here.  Keep trying your best and you will find a new way of living your life.  Your mum, I'm sure would be very proud that you took the brave step to reach out here.

    Sending hugs.

    PLINKY and EXIST:

    I understand that certain things are triggering for you both and I understand your need to both get your point across because of what you have both been through.  I think SNOWFLAKE is needing a lot of help just now and that must be everyones focus as she is only 20 and is really needing our help.  Lets put our differences aside and rack our brains in ways that we can support a young person who has lost their main support person.

  • I think you are deliberately misconstruing my intention in this context. 

    Anyway, I do agree with you, but I don't think this is an appropriate thread for going in this direction.  

  • choice of word

    Being strong was a thing of the past - when men were men and women were bullied. If one wasn't strong then one is weak in life. Such utter tosh invented by the uncreative patriarchy. Thankfully those times are passed.

  • Replace strong with resilient, then. It was probably the wrong choice of word.

    But yes. I get your point.

  • Be strong, and you'll get through this

    I know your intention is honourable but one does not have to be strong,.

    There is no law saying you are a bad person if you aren't strong. I say don't be forced into being strong, let it all out or keep it all in, it is your grief and you will deal with it how you will rather than by the expectations others put on you. 

    you'll get through this

    It is true.

  • Sorry for your loss.

    Do not feel bad for how you feel. We all grieve or deal with loss in different ways. It isn't always to do with autism, as everybody has their own way of dealing with things, but autism will definitely add complexity to how these things are done.

    When my mum died I probably closed down and went into denial or something, but I also tried to be pragmatic about it. I went to school on the morning of the funeral, people thought it was weird. At the funeral I was harrassed by an uncle because I wasn't crying. He was asking if I was some kind of tough guy, WTF I was 16.

    When my brother died I felt nothing, for various reasons I didn't go to his funeral.

    When my dad died, at first I laughed, then I cried, then I was happy and relieved. I didn't want to go to the funeral but I did go, and I offended some relatives afterwards.

    When a friend died, I thought it was an inevitable O.D. but it was actually a nasty and tragic accident. I cried and felt a huge loss. This surprised me. I didn't know how much of a connection I had with the guy. Then I got angry, because his death was his own stupid fault.

    What I'm saying is, we never know how we're going to respond. Sometimes surprising, sometimes shocking, but it always adds to the character that we become.

    Be strong, and you'll get through this.

  • Lots of people don't express expected emotion upon a parents death for a lot of reasons. It doesn't mean that you don't love them, it is likely that the impact of their passing is more important than being emotive about it. That you say you loved her is enough, that love will be with you always.

    Your life will be different now but if your Mum was your carer then you should be able to get continuing care from your local services if you're entitled to it under their terms.

    I've never held a full driving license and it has not been disabling, only inconvenient and without the depreciative expense. I would not drive now after so long. If I need to drive I can operate a vehicle, I just don't hold a valid license. If you aren't able to drive there are transport solutions from local authorities.

    Your written communication is great, when you speak to a support network you could explain your wish to communicate mainly by email or another written  medium like text or something, but keep a record of it (that's why I use email).

    Can you lift a pan? If so then you can cook, chuck some food in it and see what happens. If not then you must contact your support services immediately. Are your relatives supportive?

  • I am so sorry for your loss. 

    Grief, you know, is a funny thing for everyone, ASD or not. Some people can just go numb and feel nothing, especially if it's a shock, others apparently irrationally can feel angry or resentful that their loved one has left. Others find their emotions are delayed. They think they are ok, then a couple of months later the loss hits them. Please don't feel bad about anything you feel, because whatever you feel is normal for you and it makes no comment of the depth of love you have. There are no rules about what you should or shouldn't feel. Everyone has to process grief in their own way. If you feel you are struggling, talk to your GP. Medicating grief isn't a good idea, but there are organisations which offer specialist bereavement counselling, maybe your GP can find you some which is autism informed and work with your communication difficulties.

    Meanwhile, sounds like you need some practical support now. Talk to your GP and they should get you pointed in the right direction, probably through a social prescriber, who can make the links to social services, autism charities etc, to help you build up your skill set and guide you through the practical stuff.

  • So sorry for your loss Snowflake.  I didn't know what to feel when my mum died and I am VERY emotional normally.    Having ASD often means having a very difficult relationship with our emotions so I would say yes it is normal to not feel anything.

    As Ninjamelody says, take it slowly, process and deal with the problems one at a time.

  • I'm sorry for the difficult time you are going through, I never experienced family loss yet. For now I think it's best to process your feelings first, and then tackle one problem at a time.