Finding support as a NT wife

Hi, 

I believe my husband has ASC. His younger brother and older sister have both received formal diagnosis but he does not believe that he is the same as them. He is highly successful in his career and functions well in general society but at home our emotional connection is different.

We had a very successful and happy marriage whilst it was just the two of us and went on to have three beautiful sons. After the birth of our first child I developed PND and that is where things became a challenge. When I was no longer able to offer him the personal focus and stability from a relationship that he needed, he became far more distant and wrapped up in his work. The emotional connection that we had had previously was unravelling. As my PND became better, and I gave up work things got back to more of an equilibrium as I could focus solely on him, the children and my role in the house but then I went back to work when our youngest son was four. As my career progressed again and I began to feel more like the individual I had once been, our lives became harder to manage on a logistical front. It got to the point where I was feeling completely isolated, unvalidated and lost within the relationship and he felt that I was becoming more irrational and unpredictable in my emotions. It ended up with a period of separation which actually shook him more as he felt that he was fighting on every front. Whilst he could manage the masking at work and be very successful he needed the stability and safety at home to allow him to deal with the pressures of a high powered job. 

Anyway, after all that background, we got back together but things are still a challenge. The fact that  I think he has ASC yet won't acknowledge it, worries me for the same reason that you stated in your post; I am worried that things will never change and I will never have that emotional connection, validation and support that I would like from a marriage. 

I can't offer any advice but I can say that I feel in a very similar position to you. It is a very lonely place to be in and I don't know how to move forward. 

Let me know how things are going.

K 

My previous spouse managed to manage me well enough that I could earn enough money to buy us a nice house and provide, for a decade or so until having qualified as a lawyer, she did not require that service any longer, then my traits (not at that time attributed to Autism) became just irritating, and the relationship ended soon after she qualified.

My current partner is unable to help me reach anything like my earning potential, but puts up with me anyway, in between screaming at me to be different. Unfortunately she earns too much to even allow me "dole", so carries pretty much the full added cost of having me in her house, which clearly vexes her.

The frequency and severity of the screaming has reduced markedly post diagnosis, but that's partly because with the insight that has come to illuminate some of the cause of my own failings, I can also recognise better when I deserve the treatment I am getting, and when it is appropriate to take responsibilty, and when it is right to stand my ground.

I am quite sure a relate counseller would tell us to quit and start again, and I did offer her the choice post diagnosis (She didn't sign up for this, and I have grown quite tired of the intermittent fighting over the years, so it seemed like the right thing to do) which she declined. I'd rather fix or better yet, improve the relationship I have, rather than seek a new model (attractive as that possibility seems or even living on my own sometimes) so I now keep my head down, and just keep working at it..

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. That must have been incredibly hard...

Just as aa autistic female, I can say that very often when both parties make agreed changes in principles / values (rather than surface behaviours) things can become much more easier for everyone. One can forgive the small things when matters of trust and respect are well-grounded.

I only found out about my autism a few yrs ago had many problems growing up school etc.My wife is nt and has a higher IQ than me as I have a developmental disability which means lower IQ have also been incontinent along time she is a big supporter.