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Finding support as a NT wife

Ali

Hello,

My husband has recently been diagnosed as someone with autism. It has made sense of many things but also hit me like a tonne of bricks now knowing that certain things will never change. I feel very lonely and isolated and I’m looking for support from other NT spouses who may understand my journey. (We’ve been married for 20 years and have survived many things including our daughter’s death…..I’m just so tired!)

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  • My previous spouse managed to manage me well enough that I could earn enough money to buy us a nice house and provide, for a decade or so until having qualified as a lawyer, she did not require that service any longer, then my traits (not at that time attributed to Autism) became just irritating, and the relationship ended soon after she qualified.

    My current partner is unable to help me reach anything like my earning potential, but puts up with me anyway, in between screaming at me to be different. Unfortunately she earns too much to even allow me "dole", so carries pretty much the full added cost of having me in her house, which clearly vexes her.

    The frequency and severity of the screaming has reduced markedly post diagnosis, but that's partly because with the insight that has come to illuminate some of the cause of my own failings, I can also recognise better when I deserve the treatment I am getting, and when it is appropriate to take responsibilty, and when it is right to stand my ground.

    I am quite sure a relate counseller would tell us to quit and start again, and I did offer her the choice post diagnosis (She didn't sign up for this, and I have grown quite tired of the intermittent fighting over the years, so it seemed like the right thing to do) which she declined. I'd rather fix or better yet, improve the relationship I have, rather than seek a new model (attractive as that possibility seems or even living on my own sometimes) so I now keep my head down, and just keep working at it..

Reply

  • My previous spouse managed to manage me well enough that I could earn enough money to buy us a nice house and provide, for a decade or so until having qualified as a lawyer, she did not require that service any longer, then my traits (not at that time attributed to Autism) became just irritating, and the relationship ended soon after she qualified.

    My current partner is unable to help me reach anything like my earning potential, but puts up with me anyway, in between screaming at me to be different. Unfortunately she earns too much to even allow me "dole", so carries pretty much the full added cost of having me in her house, which clearly vexes her.

    The frequency and severity of the screaming has reduced markedly post diagnosis, but that's partly because with the insight that has come to illuminate some of the cause of my own failings, I can also recognise better when I deserve the treatment I am getting, and when it is appropriate to take responsibilty, and when it is right to stand my ground.

    I am quite sure a relate counseller would tell us to quit and start again, and I did offer her the choice post diagnosis (She didn't sign up for this, and I have grown quite tired of the intermittent fighting over the years, so it seemed like the right thing to do) which she declined. I'd rather fix or better yet, improve the relationship I have, rather than seek a new model (attractive as that possibility seems or even living on my own sometimes) so I now keep my head down, and just keep working at it..

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