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What it means to talk "AT" people?

Puzzled.

Hello all.

On my diagnosis sheet, my assessor makes a point of saying that throughout the assessment I was often talking "At" her, rather than with her.

This is also a point that my Wife and several other people through my life have picked up on in the past, and it's something I would really like to be able to understand, address and hopefully be able to change, or at least pick up on the fact that I am doing it in order to try and curb it.

The problem is, I have no idea what talking "At" people even means in order to even try and get a grasp on it.

Is there anybody here who could maybe help me out?

Thank you.

  • in reply to Shadweller

    To add to that, I think there can also be an lack of concern as to how one is being received. My father, who I'm convinced is also Autistic, would sometimes go on such long, long, endless monologues that were completely uninteresting to me. He seemed both unable to stop, and unable to notice, or even care, that I was really not interested, to the point of being bored to death. This really did not help our relationship at that time.

    I'm convinced that I have inherited my Autism from him, but while he is on the very verbally articulate to the point of giftedness extreme, and talkative to the point of monologues that go on far too long for most people extreme, I'm often at the other extreme, where I can have trouble converting thoughts and feelings into speech. Whilst there can be a lot going on in my head I can have trouble expressing this verbally in conversation.

    It's so contradictory that both polar extremes can be features of Autism, but it is the case that the way Autism plays out across individuals can vary so much. Even from father to son, they can have their Autism display in very different ways. Communication differences is a prominent example of this.

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Oh! I have found it useful to inquire with the individual who's pointed this issue out and ask if they can present new ways I might express a thing for them to feel included. "would you mind helping me understand how I can rephrase this". 

  • I talk at others. I don't mean to. I think it has to do with how I was brought up. 

    Talking at others means not actively including them in what you'd like to discuss. Giving a micro-lecture which doesn't make a conscious effort to invite the other's opinion or thoughts on the topic. Sometimes it means using phrases that externalise something on to the other: "You're not hearing me" rather than "I don't feel heard". It can mean not purposefully rephrasing something to create a question but just exerting an opinion, or worse, giving someone advice they didn't ask for. 

    Neurotypical individuals will use Command Words in their communication. It becomes code for shutting a thing down, asserting dominance (like an instructor) or a secret way of saying "I'm not interested". 

    Autistic individuals lost in a moment of monotropism & excited about a topic, apparently come across as if they've got a shovel, a mound of dirt and are just shovelling the dirt on to the NT rather abruptly and 'confidently' (to use an analogy). I do hate when others put their motives into my words. But I also don't mind trying to be kind. 

    Sometimes I try to remember that a conversation is like cake and tea. And the other might like some. 

    I've sort of just talked 'At' you. But in familiar company, with other autistics, I think we assume it's not my cake and tea and anyone can help themselves if they wish. In fact, all interesting things are open forum. 

  • I think it means a lack of awareness of how what you are saying is being received by the other person, and then having the ability to modify accordingly.