My Quest to get a girlfriend has really effected my mental health

Hi Awesome Adam.

How is everything? Re. girlfriend quest, it is important to remember that rules around behaviour in the workplace are there to make sure people feel comfortable. After all, they have to come into work nearly everyday - that shouldn't be distressing. Something which might make it distressing would be if they fear the repercussions of having rejected a work colleague. These might include intimidations and microagressions (NT behaviour!) but also anger, blame and a disproportionate sadness which comes partly from the accumulations of previous rejections - something which is not the responsibility of the individual woman you have just asked out. That is why some places have a blanket ban on relationships between colleagues. Make sure your workplace doesn't have such a policy. Assuming it doesn't, when you want to ask this woman out, keep it very casual. Perhaps walk out of the building with her at the same time and say you are going to grab a coffee and would she like to join you. Then, it is easy for her to say no, because she can just say she is busy. (Of course, she might be busy, but still interested in you, in which case she might arrange to meet you at another time.) If she does say no, smile and go for a coffee by yourself in a casual manner. That way, she won't fear the repercussions. Hope she says yes though.

from what I have observed of confident NT guys, they are successful with women, because they can read the social situation.

And that's the problem - they get very good at saying just the right things by practice - which equates to a notch count on the bedpost.       The 'confident man' will be just a casual user.      

Is this why no one laughs at my 'dad jokes'....bc they're secretly coming off as creepy. lol

I attest this can be true. As NFAB--that expresses male. I get along with men so much easier, bc I find they lack the pretense as well. Women need to work on themselves 1st to attract a partner-I suppose this could be true of males too. I've rec' a book to women that really helped me. It's called, "He's just not that into you." No joke, this book is real. It's written from the perspective of male & female. It helped me waaaaay more than anyone else did. As far as sleeping with people, I think everyone goes through a slutty phase. For me, it was like heavy drinking or risky behavior. I hadn't taken a good, hard look at myself & I was trying to fill the 'void.' My dad was from the 'Silent Generation'-he was born in 1943. He was a father & provided, but not much else. Sadly, many of us didn't have that foundation & now have 'daddy issues.' I toggle between fierce independence & wishing my dad was here. 

I agree with you that women have high demands of men. I watched this show....hmm, 'Married at first sight," just to observe the behavior. This lady on there, she has short curly hair (Season1) & you can see the actually glimness as she tells this guy, "He's not a real man, can't provide-blah, blah." If it's an unhealthy competition-it's a bad relationship. Each person needs to come to it as independent as they can. I don't let people put expectations on me & if they do-I explain how things are going to be/leave the relationship.

I feel we have gone too far to one side. What about men? (Portlandia ref) But, seriously.

no one ever does turn up naturally though, which is why you have to do the unnatural and seek them out yourself.... which people with ASD cannot do at all... for one it seems too cheeky and invasive to want to seek someone out anyway, and for another its just not natural enough as it is ontop of adding another unnatural thing of trying to go out of your way to seek a date or even any form of social interaction at all, which is plain just weird. all in all theres no one for a autist, and thus it adds to the feel that theres no place on this world for us, of which many many things add to that feel of no place being for us on this planet. and by the time you get to a older age you dont even care anyway, life is over.

Yes, from what I have observed of confident NT guys, they are successful with women, because they can read the social situation. They know quickly whether a woman they like likes them, so they say 'do you want grab a coffee?' and the woman says 'yes, that would be lovely,' - happy days. They also know when a woman is not keen, so they leave them alone. Men who can't read the situation can spend a lot of time staring at a woman, because they don't know whether to proceed. Even if she was initially interested, this paralysis can cause confusion, frustration and the dampening of the sexual spark. This is particularly true if the woman is trying to get on with her work/responsibilities/own special interests at the same time. She really should be free to do so. Furthermore, the idea of a man desperately seeking a girlfriend, then deciding it must be a certain woman does seem creepy. As if he is slotting her into his ideal, regardless of her actual personality and characteristics. I know this is difficult advice for the lonely, but it is much better to concentrate on your own work/interests/responsibilities. It will then be pretty much a given that someone special will turn up in your life at some point. (So long as you live long enough, that is).

I agree.

Unfortunately many autistics come over as creepy and this is 'the problem'.

Wow, there is a lot of creepiness on this thread. All the blame women stuff is freaking me out. No wonder we are wary! The only decent advice is from Hippo... Ignore everything else.

They are known as 304 women.

women have such high demands out of men but yet they have so little standards themselves. they expect virtue but they lack any and all virtue themselves and have slept with more men than i have had loaves of bread in my life....

omg Plastic, I swear you have the funniest acronyms/sayings. "Sex pest." I'm using that.

Yes. I have seen Meetup. Thank you for your help.

Have you seen Meetup.com?   People looking for a social life post events like pub nights or coffee meets where other people sign up to go along - you're all there with the same intent - to meet people.     In amongst the pub nights, bowling, meals out etc. will be local art or photography or museum groups looking to meet others into the same thing.

The other way is just google - look for local art groups - maybe on the local council website.

Hello Plastic. I noticed you mentioned special interest groups which I have been looking for. Do you know where to find them? I am interested in art and design.

That's just not true.

Few women go for looks, some women demand height, most women go for confidence and almost all women will abandon their principles and preferences if he's filthy rich.

*Some stereotyping may be present in this post

She has (her words) supported autistic people for 20+ years and has a pretty good track record of helping people navigate their way through issues in forming and understanding relationships.

That's fair enough. I retain a degree of scepticism but until I've seen more direct evidence of that sort of assistance I'm not really in a position to contradict that.

My interactions with NTs indicate that cold, or at least luke warm, 1-2-1, is the most successful strategy for them. Many 'pick some one up' they've just met. More frequent is hooking up somewhere around the 3 to 5th interaction. For example, a new person comes to a regular event, they get chatting. Next event they seek each other out start chatting again. 3rd event they're already starting to act very familiar with each other as if they were already dating and by the end of the night they've officially become an item.

My observation has been if the necessary rapport for hard core flirting hasn't kicked in at most after 2 or 3 meetings the chances of a relationship forming declines rapidly, if nothing else because someone else tends to get there first.

So the mentality of a pick up artist may be over kill. In terms of thinking they have one shot to make a connection. However there is clearly a ticking clock before any chance of establishing a perception in the other party that you are relationship material is blocked by their growing familiarity which tends to lock their present perception of you in stone.

Be careful what you desire...

Peter said:

Forgive me but I doubt they'd be able to focus that on relationship, particularly romantic relations, forming skills.

Already, I have briefly discussed relationships with my support worker. And she has invited me to talk about any barriers I have related to life, love and work. She has (her words) supported autistic people for 20+ years and has a pretty good track record of helping people navigate their way through issues in forming and understanding relationships.

Now, whether she will be giving specialist tuition on how to pick up women, I very much doubt. That's not a skill I'd want or value to be quite frank. That sounds like the kind of bragging nonsense you hear from pissed up blokes down the pub. 

That said, I'm not here to advocate for any one particular charity, nor am I here to assess the depth and scope of the service they provide. I have merely offered an example of one charity in the north west that does help people with autism to navigate these matters i response to your initial statement.

all on-line dating becomes face-to-face - but you've at least pre-filtered the person you're dealing with - a cold 1-2-1 is incredibly hard to do - the stress is immense so performance suffers..