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My Quest to get a girlfriend has really effected my mental health

AwesomeAdam

Hi, I'm Adam, I'm 27, and I'm autistic. I've been single for my entire life because women don't seem to be interested in me. I have no idea why, I'm reasonably attractive. My first attempt at getting a girlfriend was a complete disaster because I ended up getting banned from a building and the woman never wants to see me again. This has put me into a vicious cycle of depression and anxiety. I'm scared to even approach a woman now, for fear that history might repeat itself. When I do finally pluck up the courage to ask a woman out, some of them say they have boyfriends, others say they're happy being single, so I can't win.

I currently have a crush on a work colleague but I can't pluck up the courage to say anything to her. Sometimes her body language and facial expressions can be quite off putting. I hope she doesn't think I'm a creep. Sometimes she looks around to see if I'm looking in her direction. We occasionally lock eyes with each other, but one of us ends up looking away. Sometimes it's her that looks away, other times it's me. I'm scared how she will react when I eventually make an approach. I know what I'm going to say, that's not the issue, it's just I don't want her reporting me to the management or anything of that nature. In the past people have reported me to the management when I didn't even do anything wrong. I don't see what's wrong with just asking someone out. They have the option to say yes or no. The management are aware that I'm autistic. I want to get to know her, but I'm constantly scared what the consequences might be if I talk to her.

I'm so upset that I can't get a partner, that I've even thought about self harm. I would never go through with the self harm, but the thoughts are distressing. A lot of women seem to assume that I'm only after one thing, but that's simply not the case, because I'm a gentleman. I wonder if anybody else is experiencing a similar situation to me. I get the impression that certain women don't want to interact with me. If that is the case, I don't know if I've done something wrong or not. They might just be shy. 

  • in reply to Caelus

    I attest this can be true. As NFAB--that expresses male. I get along with men so much easier, bc I find they lack the pretense as well. Women need to work on themselves 1st to attract a partner-I suppose this could be true of males too. I've rec' a book to women that really helped me. It's called, "He's just not that into you." No joke, this book is real. It's written from the perspective of male & female. It helped me waaaaay more than anyone else did. As far as sleeping with people, I think everyone goes through a slutty phase. For me, it was like heavy drinking or risky behavior. I hadn't taken a good, hard look at myself & I was trying to fill the 'void.' My dad was from the 'Silent Generation'-he was born in 1943. He was a father & provided, but not much else. Sadly, many of us didn't have that foundation & now have 'daddy issues.' I toggle between fierce independence & wishing my dad was here. 

    I agree with you that women have high demands of men. I watched this show....hmm, 'Married at first sight," just to observe the behavior. This lady on there, she has short curly hair (Season1) & you can see the actually glimness as she tells this guy, "He's not a real man, can't provide-blah, blah." If it's an unhealthy competition-it's a bad relationship. Each person needs to come to it as independent as they can. I don't let people put expectations on me & if they do-I explain how things are going to be/leave the relationship.

    I feel we have gone too far to one side. What about men? (Portlandia ref) But, seriously.

  • in reply to Plastic

    women have such high demands out of men but yet they have so little standards themselves. they expect virtue but they lack any and all virtue themselves and have slept with more men than i have had loaves of bread in my life....

  • in reply to Plastic

    omg , I swear you have the funniest acronyms/sayings. "Sex pest." I'm using that.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Yes. I have seen Meetup. Thank you for your help.

  • in reply to Cre8tiveDaniel

    Have you seen Meetup.com?   People looking for a social life post events like pub nights or coffee meets where other people sign up to go along - you're all there with the same intent - to meet people.     In amongst the pub nights, bowling, meals out etc. will be local art or photography or museum groups looking to meet others into the same thing.

    The other way is just google - look for local art groups - maybe on the local council website.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Hello . I noticed you mentioned special interest groups which I have been looking for. Do you know where to find them? I am interested in art and design.

  • in reply to Plastic

    That's just not true.

    Few women go for looks, some women demand height, most women go for confidence and almost all women will abandon their principles and preferences if he's filthy rich.

    *Some stereotyping may be present in this post

  • AwesomeAdam said:
    My first attempt at getting a girlfriend was a complete disaster because I ended up getting banned from a building

    desire to know more! lol

  • in reply to innocent21
    innocent21 said:
    In the UK although men cold approaching women isn't specifically defined as a crime,

    It depends totally on the guys looks - hot guy = acceptable, not so hot guy = sex pest.

  • In the UK although men cold approaching women isn't specifically defined as a crime, it's "de facto illegal" so you can still be arrested for it because nowadays the police class it as antisocial behaviour and harassment under the Public Order Act. There's articles of men being arrested for it on BBC News and Daily Star. I could get into explaining why women get offended by that but that would be derailing this thread. Blame feminism #metoo

  • The thing is work is about work, and thinking about trying to hook up with someone is not concentrating on the work before you, and they are paying for your time there to work there. That's why it's not a good time or place to ask a coworker on a date.

    And women assume you're after only one thing, because you ask them out before they even know you. They are unfamiliar with who you are, and then you suddenly ask them out, is what is creepy to them. 

    I'd say in general, greet people, remember everyone's names, and learn small talk (talk about the weather, current news, or whatever else), to befriend them, and to exchange contact information.

    A good indicator if someone feels comfortable being around you, is if you can make them genuinely laugh with you, which means they enjoy your company. And after awhile of getting to know them, you might have the opportunity to ask them out. 

  • Hi Adam. Maybe just be chatty first,get to know her,u might then find out u have nothing in common. But my relationships have always started as friends first. Not all plain sailing tho,as thought in 2000 i was done with relationships til met last one,when i thought i was doomed to being alone. Now it's got to 5 1/2 yrs tho,it has(as her care needs are just too high)making me more ill/more depressed than ever!

    Wish u luck tho,i'm doomed at 50! Lol

  • Hi Adam

    Relationships are complicated.   I would be very careful about work relationships.    You are much better off joining special interest groups in whatever your hobby or interests are - and then at least you have something to talk about.     Physical attraction is nice - but you'll get more stimulation from a meeting of minds.

    If you're set on asking the woman at work out, try to think about the outcomes - what if she turns you down - how awkward would that be?