Computer and tablet addiction?

Thankyou all so very much for your advice and opinions,  I have been battling to know if letting her on her "electronics " is right or wrong, my daughter has Aspergers and I am learning all the time about her needs and her ways.  Some of the comments have really made me think.  I really want to do what is right for her and although I don't always make the correct decision I do try very hard. I have decided to let her go on her iPad etc but under the conditions i can check now and again in case there is someone "bad" she is talking too on social media, although she spends hours watching YouTube and playing roblox.  Thankyou again it is really appreciated 

Gaming disorder is nonsense. It's like stamp collecting disorder, train spotting disorder or watching fucking Eastenders disorder. It's a label demanded by Far Eastern totalitarian regimes to allow them to further control the behaviour of their population.

Almost all of my friends have at some point spent months playing games for 80-120 hours a week. We're all also gainfully employed and living constructive lives. Most of them have no signs of autism or Aspergers.

If the daughter is playing games to the detriment of other things then I can understand and support her mother wanting to change that behaviour and encourage broader development. But the first step is not to label it a disorder; that can only lead to greater harm than the games themselves.

There's no need to 'quit' games addiction. Just find a balance that allows other things into the child's life too. And expect the arguments. 12 year old girls argue with their mother, it's a fact of life.

Would she be willing to simply sit down with you and talk it through?  As others have mentioned, I'd be concerned about the reasons behind her apparent reliance on the internet.  This is something that my older son now says he wishes we'd asked more about when he was younger.  So sitting down and, in the first instance, listening to her talk about how she feels about it and the needs it fulfils might be helpful.   Does it, for example, mean that she is finding it difficult to connect with her peer group and the computer time is a safe retreat where she feels in control?  Is it more generally an escape from other issues with which she might need some support?  Are there some positives to be found in her usage that could be developed in other ways? 

I'd suggest listening and drilling down into the whys and wherefores.  Plus, once you're done listening, you could maybe come up with a plan together which could address any concerns as she (and you) may see them - more of a cocreative process in which she feels involved.  Something which could be revisited and refined over time.     

Gaming disorder (not to be confused with gambling) is actually recognised as a mental disorder and can be diagnosed in the same way as autism.  It has a number of co-morbidities, such as autism, bi-polar disorder, ADHD.

Playing games in itself is not a sign of any disorder - it is when the playing becomes an addiction, takes the place of other activities and causes moodiness, depression, anxiety, tiredness etc.  The sign that it is a problem is when it is taking precedence over other things, such as eating, sleeping, and normal day to day activities.

Apparently about 3 to 4 % of 'gamers' are affected enough to be diagnosed.  And such addiction should not be dismissed as something harmless, it causes real problems in life.

https://gamequitters.com/video-game-addiction-signs-symptoms-causes-and-effects/

There is a forum which may be more suited to answer questions about 'quitting' a computer gaming addiction:

https://forum.gamequitters.com/

One of the things that most autistic people do not like others saying is 'everyone feels like that' when we describe what it is like to be autistic.  I don't think we should say 'lots of people like video games with no problem' when someone fears they or someone close to them might have a problem.  Yes there are degrees, but like drinking, it can get out of hand.  And when it does, it is a real problem not solved by making it seem trivial.

You say she is doing nothing but playing online games. Is that what she is doing all of the time she is online? I am asking this because of the dangers of social media, which can enable online bullying and manipulation of youngsters and cause depression/anxiety and negative behaviours. Have you talked to her about social media, gaming with other people she hasn't met, and how to stay safe online? Have you set your internet settings appropriately? (I don't know about this myself, as I don't have young kids, but you can get advice if you're not sure)

Gaming is not a problem in itself, as others have said. But she will need to spend some time each week interacting "off line", to learn the people skills she will need in order to make friends at college, get a job, etc, so it might be helpful to sit her down and explain this. If it is put in a way that shows you want to help her develop and improve her life, rather than it looking like you are punishing her, she might be more favourably responsive.

Finally, as has been suggested, maybe you could do some gaming as a family to get her out of her room and interacting with you and her brother? Perhaps get a gaming console you keep in the living room, with a few games you can all play together?

Firstly, is your daughter autistic?  It may be self-evident as you've posted here, but you don't explicitly state this.  All you have referred to is her moodiness, her shouting and the arguments - all of which could be talking about any average girl of her age.  If she is autistic, then it may well be that the 'life' on her tablet or laptop is the only kind of life that she can understand and make sense of, and feel comfortable with.  If this is the case, then turning off the internet is definitely only going to cause arguments, because you are denying her the one thing in her life that might make sense to her, or relieve the anxiety she feels.  Can I suggest respectfully that you might wish to consider a different approach to the issue and not just treat her like any other child.  Have you had any input from behaviour therapists? 

Having said all of that, kids wasting their lives by being glued to screens seems to be the norm now.  There can't be many 12 year olds that don't have a phone or a Tablet.  That's the way it all seems to be going.  I don't blame the kids for that.  They're just doing what everyone else is doing, and if they don't do it and their friends do then they're at risk of being left out, excluded, bullied.

My cousin has an autistic son of 24.  He also has learning disabilities and is non communicative verbally.  He spends all day long on his tablet.  It's his world.  Your daughter sounds like she's not in that category, and I assume she's in mainstream school.  Maybe she's just doing what all of her friends are doing.  Or maybe it is the only thing that makes sense to her.  In which case, you really need to do more than simply punish her (which is what you are doing by switching off the internet).  You need to accept that she's different from other children, and as such will need different levels of support to manage her behaviour.  Have you discussed this with her school?  Does she have a SENCo assigned to her?  Work with a behaviour therapist might be able to get her to a situation where she has 'internet times' assigned and she can learn to cope with expecting the internet to go off at a particular time, or after a particular period.  Such learning will probably take a long time to achieve, though.  She may well need time to assimilate this change in her life and get used to the idea of it.  Again, it isn't the same as dealing with a non-autistic child in that sense.  You can't just take something away and expect her to deal with it.

I know I'm a long way from being a child, but I spend a lot of my time on the computer at home.  I use several forums, both for autistic people (like this forum) and for my hobbies and interests.  It allows me a level of interaction with other people that I can control and feel comfortable with and it also allows me to meet people (virtually!) that I would never have met before.  Usually these are interesting people doing interesting things around the world, not people posting photographs of their garden on Facebook or making silly comments on Twitter.  I spend time on Google Earth viewing interesting places around the world.  I stream films and documentaries and listen to music.  I keep up with the news around the world.  I join in discussions.  I also keep a blog and have a YouTube channel.  These are all things that are important to me, and they all happen to mean being on a computer for several hours a day.  I don't think that I'm wasting my life this way, though.  I'm enriching it and also finding an outlet for my work. 

Excessive use of a computer/internet can cause severe anxiety and depression.

Autistic people are very prone to obsessive behaviour, and with moderation it can give a purpose to someones life.  The fact she is moody and does little else does suggest to me that the computer has become a substitute for something in your daughter's life that is either missing or there is some sort of thought that things will get 'better' if she continues.

Like any addiction, it can become harmful. My understanding of how this may happen is as follow and s, as someone who has been very prone to anxiety and depression from my teenage years (although home computers were not even in the realm of science fiction when I was your daughers age!)

Initially there may have been some excitement, and this excitement becomes less as use continues.  So use increases to try to get a repeat of the 'hit' that there was initially.  The person becomes moody as other needs are not being met.  Eating may become disrupted,, other interests are lost.  And real physical changes take place as the brain releases chemicals in order to cope.  The brain has 'pleasure receptors' which react to chemicals released by stimuli that cause pleasure.  Love releases oxytocin for example and dopamine is associated with many pleasures.  Whatever the addiction, the initial pleasure is caused by release of chemicals in reaction to this.

And if the stimulus is not great enough, these receptors crave more and more as the brain gets used to the stimulus.  And if more is not forthcoming, you get the reaction your daughter has had - moody, reactionary, arguments, further leading to crying and sadness, the symptoms of withdrawal.

You have to try to break this cycle, but doing it by sudden withdrawal coujld make things very uncomfortable for her.  Depression and anxiety is an illness, it is not simply a case of telling someone to 'buck their ideas up'.  You could try to divert her into something else, even if using the computer.  If she is using social media, also try to find out if she is harbouring what I will state as 'unhealthy desires' or being bullied.

I am not a great believer in anti-depressants, but for short term use they may help.  Longer term can lead to addictions.  The best way might be to find something else to stimulate your daughter, try to think of something your daughter really likes - and promise her a treat.  Try to do things with your daughter and not let her lock herself away unsupervised for long periods.  You could find time to play computrer games with your daughter as this would at least mean you knew what she was doing..  I assume she is autistic, but this still doesn't mean that she should be allowed total exclusion from the family unit.  Some 'quiet time' is ok as long as it does not become excessive.

The following article may help explain this:

https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2018/05/17/pleasure-effects-on-brain.aspx