Marriage and Asperger

Would love to hear from anyone whose marriage has been affected by Asperger. I feel so guilty because I married someone not knowing the possibility they had Asperger and after many years struggling to cope we parted. My husband was never diagnosed but looking back on his life and listening to what he told me, he was a problem child to his mother and was asked to leave school. He's highly intelligent and I still love him to bits but I just couldn't cope with the lack of communication, affection, dreadful mood swings and hobby obsession. He couldn't seem to cope with children so my daughter stopped bringing my grandchildren to visit. The worst part of it is a friend's husband has been diagnosed and she copes but I couldn't. 

  • That's a very good list! 1,7,9,10,11 resonate with me.

  • thank you for your reply

    i have heard nothing from my husband other than a text to say its gone for him ,,, the spark i want

    all i wanted was a bit of warmth -we all know sparks come and go in 20 years of marriage-and i dont feel that spark always either, but he is off, leaving behind his family and blaming me for all actually i think using his lack of affection as evidence that spark gone-he even says he feels no emotional connection -its me who needs that.

    Running away, blames me , tells me by text its gone for him-not very adult and not very kind

    Its all so confusing .

    Its all a mess

  • I feel for you so much. To love and to deal with an Aspie is so very difficult. I remarried very late in life and had no idea my husband had problems until after we'd been married a while. All his oddities I put down to his great change of lifestyle and thought he would settle. It was a lot for us both at the time having our own families and finding a home to share. It wasn't until we had been married for a few years did I decide to get some help as I couldn't cope with him and I was so desperate. After I'd poured out everything about my husband to the Counselor I had chosen and she'd listened to me fully, she said her husband was an Aspie and had so much in common with mine. It was like a weight off my shoulders to know he wasn't just bad-tempered, selfish and hated children for no reason (to name but a few symptoms). She also said her marriage was difficult because of how he was but she chose to struggle with it but also said she knew of many people who had to walk away. I loved him more deeply than I had ever loved anyone but one evening, I took myself into the garden and cried brokenheartedly wishing I could die. It was at that time I knew we had to part and we are now divorced. I still love him and won't ever feel any different. I'm on my own now and have no plans to meet anyone else.

  • i am  a wife of an aspie and i am too late to solve it.I only now know my husband is aspie.I have felt rejected unloved and uncherished to my detriment.I have reacted to this and of course now it is my fault he says  .he says now (by email ) its gone for him .... as a result of conflict recently .We have been happy we are both sucesfull we have great children .I keep blaming myself but i have been seeking affection thats all- so of course kicking off a bit ..relying on wine to numb my feelings of rejection  over the years .I am not a gush person so largely i am ok with no pda. but the lack of care when i cry kills me.i see his love in other ways now i know.Even still  he is now in denial having at first thought i might have a point re AS.Has since backtracked .Think he does know though that something off.I have always sensed some thing off but could not put my finger on it.I liked he was kind quiet etc now i see he was processing..I have said to him i will now fully accomodate him if he can just say hold my hand in bed sometimes.Maybe spoon a bit.MY psychologist told me that my needs also should be adressed. He wants out as does not want to  work on this despite saying he would etc not long ago.

    To put context we were happy this time last year all even though i felt unloved(as knew he did really)Then things got crazy at work so i was stressed .He cant handle coming home to more stress after a day at work .... and bingo here we are,he left the house needing space and is now saying its over for him.I pled with him i said i now get it but no(onnce he has made up his mind thats that)

    i just wanted to feel loved and that would have changed everything .He now knows what i need and vice versa but has called time.He has been a misery to live with and be around but i love him.He has i think cause depression in me,and my way of dealing with  all is to jolly along /ignore it /react.

    My head says he can only help himself my heart says i will do what ever it takes and yet feel divorce now only option based on his departure which was brutal.Children not speaking to him .They see the chicken egg dynamic-which has now changed .

    irony is i understand him fully now and he has gone-i have had the most awful week.i said have time and space but he says done for him.

    i will need to just leave it then as i know he will not move on this.Meet me halfway or get it.

    I am very sad.I love him aspie  and all and would have made it work-though a hard gig.

  • NAS24485 said:
    Unlike Tom, he hates his solitary life and finds loneliness unbearable. I have suggested we spend time together - perhaps weekends but he said he couldn't stand seeing me again, which is probably his way of saying he still loves me. 

    I also find being alone difficult...I feel too vulnerable on my own. It is great that you have offered to spend time with him....and there is a very strong chance that he does still love you. Telling him about Aspergers may help....but providing support and strategies might be more useful x

    hang in there!

  • I'm in awe of such helpful replies, thank you. Unfortunately there is little chance of my husband and I getting back together mainly because he is now settled in his own home. We are still in contact fairly regularly and, having roamed this site and with your replies, I feel so sorry for him and thought long and hard as to whether it would be wise to discuss with him the possibility he has Asperger, I'm sure he would resent a label. It's so sad that he will be 80 next year and suffered lifelong hardship because of how he is. 

    Unlike Tom, he hates his solitary life and finds loneliness unbearable. I have suggested we spend time together - perhaps weekends but he said he couldn't stand seeing me again, which is probably his way of saying he still loves me. 

    The last couple of days has helped clear the fog and wish I had found this site before we parted - who knows it may have helped. Having said that, his extreme selfishness didn't help - some of which may be attributable to Asperger but I lived a life feeling nothing more than a housekeeper/carer as everything had to be done his way exactly how he liked. 

    He lost his previous wife in 2005 and started searching the Net soon after. He said his marriage was happy but maybe only from his point of view. Meeting me he was desperate to remarry and I fell for him hook line and sinker but you have to live with someone to know them and experience came soon after. 

    If I thought it would help him to know he may have Asperger I may risk telling him but only if help would be available particularly at his age. I also have to consider he may not accept help anyway. Difficult isn't it !

  • Hi sorry to hear about your issues, I am afraid tom has pretty much said it all,I am not formerly diagnosed myself,I am 54 and been married for over thirty years,we have two wonderful grown up daughters,now the sad part!

    I never really got involved in the daily bringing up of my girls which I will try to explain.I was there and I have good memories, I also did my bit regarding feeding,changing etc,but I cannot remember very much"just having fun time" the normal stuff between a child and dad. I did what had to be done! I used to say "well I was to busy always at work to cope with the bills". I can now see retrospectively that more was going on than that. I was just being autistic without knowing what it was.

    Not cuddly or lovey dovey towards them. I see it with my work mates,big burly blokes but listening to all the stuff they do with their kids makes me realise in some respects I failed my girls.

    Sad to say this but me and my wife have over the years become what tom has described,together but separate in many ways,it's not deliberate and we just kind of accepted each other and it is now the norm. I  sleep downstairs on my own bed! Because of my long term bad back.But before the back problem I would just fall asleep on the settee and my wife couldn't wake me,so give up and left me there,she actually quite often falls asleep on the settee now. As I say it just gradually became the way it is.

    I never knew about autism until recently so all this was just how it was, I am guilty of not thinking enough about my wife. It upsets me to say that but true, I keep saying to myself I MUST do more to reassure her I love her,but reality is I don't find being lovey dovey natural.

    Your husband does love you,but in his aspie way,if you still want it to continue then it won't be easy for you. You will need to learn as much as you can about his condition and adapt to it.unfortuneately even those of us that know how we fail our partners can't seem to change who we are? Do we deserve a loving partner? Maybe but should that partner have to live without that two way feeling being always visible?

    I do hope this explains in some way what might be going on. Do not feel any blame on your part,you have tried living with someone not unlike me,loving,caring,empathetic but never showing or at best only now and again.

    we do not choose to be the way we are,our early lives are normally fraught with stories of bullying,not fitting in,never connecting and extremely lucky to find a lady like you or my wife who see's past that and accepts us for who we are.it is usually very difficult for our partners.

    I wish you luck in what you do but hopefully this and toms reply will show you what is going on and what may be ahead.look after yourself as you probably will need to.()please accept my hug for trying to keep going.

  • Hi there!

    I am 42, female and Aspie....now in my second marriage and have a 13 year old son from my first marriage.

    Very much a late bloomer when it comes to relationships. My first kiss (awwww) was with someone who later confessed that they felt sorry for me! 

    I got married when I was 25 having met having moved from the South East of England to the South West to be with them.  We got married 9 months later.  After the birth of our son 5 years later he became very distance (there is a strong possibility that he was on the spectrum himself).  I lacking in self confidence craved his attention and to feel connected....he withdrew, so I withdrew also and single handedly looked after my son and he moved into the spare bedroom.....over the years the decline of..."i don't love you,but I still like you".....and then the liking went.

    It was only when it got so psychologically challenging to be under the same roof with someone I loved who didn't want me that we then mutually decided to end the marriage after 12 years....i was heart broken and he was never able to tell me what I did wrong and what he needed from me...even if I marriage could have been saved.

    I still find it extremely difficult to deal with the shame of being rejected by someone...(my mum walked out on me when I was 14, then kicked me out when I moved in with her a few years later).

    After a couple of years of being on my own (much wound licking and a breakdown)...i met someone online...we got married 3 years ago.  I have asked for three things from them..."you don't have to love me, but please be kind", "no lies or games", "hold me tight at the end of every day so I can feel safe"...

    He says he loves me but doesn't get my head space..which is one of the reasons I talk here.  I don't believe that he loves me - but that I me trying to protect myself and keeping him at a distance.  He is very spontaneous and social...I am Aspie and am scared of other people and social situations that I cannot control.  I do feel guilty for not being an ideal person to be with. I know that I am challenging...i try to make up for it for helping him in practical ways - keeping the house clean, helping his 3 daughters (they live with their mum).

    From a book I recently read...the advice re: relationships was as follows:

    1. divide up household tasks and responsibilities according to each others strengths

    2. sometimes you have to apologise even though you don't know why

    3. Autistic people have good days and bad days.

    4. sensory sensitivities might mean you have to get creative in the bedroom!

    5. Spontaneous affection can be challenging when you're on the spectrum

    6. Sometimes the NT partner will need to compensate for the ASD partners social skills deficits

    7. Aspies need plenty of time alone.

    8. Compromise is good

    9. Triggers are real and they are not going to go away!

    10. Communication will be hard...Don't give up!

    11. There are many ways to express love

    12. There are things that I will never understand about my partner

    I love my son to bits...but as he is now a teenager, I am kindof holding back from him....as don't want him to think of my way of doing things is "normal" - i try to encourage and support his engagement with the outside world and help him meet up with friends......I don't want him to end up like me.

    A really good book I recently  (Nerdy, Shy and Socially Appropriate) has really good chapters on relationships and parent hood.  The author describes how in terms of child rearing...she has a good balance with her partner - he is spontaneous and fun, she practical and pragmatic....their child has learnt who to go to when meeting their needs.

    Well that's me folks.... going to rest my typing fingers now....

  • Hi there, and welcome!

    First of all, I'm sorry to read that things couldn't work out for you - but I can understand.  I say that from the other side, as an Aspie myself.

    I was married once to a woman I loved dearly.  But I struggled, mainly because of cohabitation.  Before then (we were married for 5 years), I'd always lived alone - and alone is my natural state.  Having someone else sharing my space, even though she respected my need for 'aloneness', upset my psyche.  I couldn't function properly because of it.  Maybe if we'd lived separately, it might have worked out.  But we couldn't afford to then, and I'll never know now.

    Since that time, over 12 years ago, I've only cohabited one more time - my last relationship, which ended 2 years ago after 18 months.  In that situation, she left me - though, in the end, it was a relief for me.  Like you, she couldn't cope with the mood swings - which were, again, exacerbated by the sharing of space.  She had mental health problems, too, so it was a volatile mix.  But the other thing was that we were opposites in the way we liked to live.  She, like me, needed control over her space.  But she gradually took over everything, replacing my furniture with hers, my pictures with hers, my decor with her preferences, etc.  Intimate relations were always on her terms.  And - one of the big bug-bears - she was untidy, and refused to do 'chores' as she called them.  She wouldn't wash up.  She left the bathroom in a mess.  I had to do all of the housework, and she made it harder.  I can't live like that.  In many ways, our getting together was a disaster waiting to happen.

    Now... I'm back to being alone (just me and the cat!)  And I'm back in control of my life.  I'm not actively seeking another relationship, but if something should happen, it would have to be on those very strict terms: no cohabitation.  The only qualifier there might be if we had a big enough place in which we could have our own separate quarters, including bathroom and kitchen.

    I don't have children, which isn't to say I wouldn't have liked to have them under different circumstances.  But I, too, know I would struggle.  I find it hard to handle the kind of disruption and demands that having children around would obviously entail.  For a short time a few months back, I was living with my mother to care for her in her final illness.  Sometimes, the great-grandchildren would visit - and I was anxious the whole time.  When they'd gone, I had to tidy up.  It sounds terrible to have to say it, but that's how it is for me.  It's disruption to order and routine - things I've always struggled with.

    As for your friend - well, we're all different, and you shouldn't feel bad for yourself because she copes and you couldn't.  We all have our limits - maybe autistic people more than most - and you have yours, too.  It isn't an easy condition to live with.  It can cause a lot of stress and emotional harm.  I know how difficult it must have been for my ex-wife and my last partner, and I wouldn't blame anyone for wanting out of my life.  It doesn't mean that you don't love him enough.  But you have to take care of yourself, too,  Cohabitation and relationships often require a lot of compromising on both sides, and for autistic people that can be very difficult to achieve.

    I hope this helps a little :)

    Best wishes,

    Tom