Marriage and Asperger

That's a very good list! 1,7,9,10,11 resonate with me.

thank you for your reply

i have heard nothing from my husband other than a text to say its gone for him ,,, the spark i want

all i wanted was a bit of warmth -we all know sparks come and go in 20 years of marriage-and i dont feel that spark always either, but he is off, leaving behind his family and blaming me for all actually i think using his lack of affection as evidence that spark gone-he even says he feels no emotional connection -its me who needs that.

Running away, blames me , tells me by text its gone for him-not very adult and not very kind

Its all so confusing .

Its all a mess

I feel for you so much. To love and to deal with an Aspie is so very difficult. I remarried very late in life and had no idea my husband had problems until after we'd been married a while. All his oddities I put down to his great change of lifestyle and thought he would settle. It was a lot for us both at the time having our own families and finding a home to share. It wasn't until we had been married for a few years did I decide to get some help as I couldn't cope with him and I was so desperate. After I'd poured out everything about my husband to the Counselor I had chosen and she'd listened to me fully, she said her husband was an Aspie and had so much in common with mine. It was like a weight off my shoulders to know he wasn't just bad-tempered, selfish and hated children for no reason (to name but a few symptoms). She also said her marriage was difficult because of how he was but she chose to struggle with it but also said she knew of many people who had to walk away. I loved him more deeply than I had ever loved anyone but one evening, I took myself into the garden and cried brokenheartedly wishing I could die. It was at that time I knew we had to part and we are now divorced. I still love him and won't ever feel any different. I'm on my own now and have no plans to meet anyone else.

i am  a wife of an aspie and i am too late to solve it.I only now know my husband is aspie.I have felt rejected unloved and uncherished to my detriment.I have reacted to this and of course now it is my fault he says  .he says now (by email ) its gone for him .... as a result of conflict recently .We have been happy we are both sucesfull we have great children .I keep blaming myself but i have been seeking affection thats all- so of course kicking off a bit ..relying on wine to numb my feelings of rejection  over the years .I am not a gush person so largely i am ok with no pda. but the lack of care when i cry kills me.i see his love in other ways now i know.Even still  he is now in denial having at first thought i might have a point re AS.Has since backtracked .Think he does know though that something off.I have always sensed some thing off but could not put my finger on it.I liked he was kind quiet etc now i see he was processing..I have said to him i will now fully accomodate him if he can just say hold my hand in bed sometimes.Maybe spoon a bit.MY psychologist told me that my needs also should be adressed. He wants out as does not want to  work on this despite saying he would etc not long ago.

To put context we were happy this time last year all even though i felt unloved(as knew he did really)Then things got crazy at work so i was stressed .He cant handle coming home to more stress after a day at work .... and bingo here we are,he left the house needing space and is now saying its over for him.I pled with him i said i now get it but no(onnce he has made up his mind thats that)

i just wanted to feel loved and that would have changed everything .He now knows what i need and vice versa but has called time.He has been a misery to live with and be around but i love him.He has i think cause depression in me,and my way of dealing with  all is to jolly along /ignore it /react.

My head says he can only help himself my heart says i will do what ever it takes and yet feel divorce now only option based on his departure which was brutal.Children not speaking to him .They see the chicken egg dynamic-which has now changed .

irony is i understand him fully now and he has gone-i have had the most awful week.i said have time and space but he says done for him.

i will need to just leave it then as i know he will not move on this.Meet me halfway or get it.

I am very sad.I love him aspie  and all and would have made it work-though a hard gig.

Hi there!

I am 42, female and Aspie....now in my second marriage and have a 13 year old son from my first marriage.

Very much a late bloomer when it comes to relationships. My first kiss (awwww) was with someone who later confessed that they felt sorry for me! 

I got married when I was 25 having met having moved from the South East of England to the South West to be with them.  We got married 9 months later.  After the birth of our son 5 years later he became very distance (there is a strong possibility that he was on the spectrum himself).  I lacking in self confidence craved his attention and to feel connected....he withdrew, so I withdrew also and single handedly looked after my son and he moved into the spare bedroom.....over the years the decline of..."i don't love you,but I still like you".....and then the liking went.

It was only when it got so psychologically challenging to be under the same roof with someone I loved who didn't want me that we then mutually decided to end the marriage after 12 years....i was heart broken and he was never able to tell me what I did wrong and what he needed from me...even if I marriage could have been saved.

I still find it extremely difficult to deal with the shame of being rejected by someone...(my mum walked out on me when I was 14, then kicked me out when I moved in with her a few years later).

After a couple of years of being on my own (much wound licking and a breakdown)...i met someone online...we got married 3 years ago.  I have asked for three things from them..."you don't have to love me, but please be kind", "no lies or games", "hold me tight at the end of every day so I can feel safe"...

He says he loves me but doesn't get my head space..which is one of the reasons I talk here.  I don't believe that he loves me - but that I me trying to protect myself and keeping him at a distance.  He is very spontaneous and social...I am Aspie and am scared of other people and social situations that I cannot control.  I do feel guilty for not being an ideal person to be with. I know that I am challenging...i try to make up for it for helping him in practical ways - keeping the house clean, helping his 3 daughters (they live with their mum).

From a book I recently read...the advice re: relationships was as follows:

1. divide up household tasks and responsibilities according to each others strengths

2. sometimes you have to apologise even though you don't know why

3. Autistic people have good days and bad days.

4. sensory sensitivities might mean you have to get creative in the bedroom!

5. Spontaneous affection can be challenging when you're on the spectrum

6. Sometimes the NT partner will need to compensate for the ASD partners social skills deficits

7. Aspies need plenty of time alone.

8. Compromise is good

9. Triggers are real and they are not going to go away!

10. Communication will be hard...Don't give up!

11. There are many ways to express love

12. There are things that I will never understand about my partner

I love my son to bits...but as he is now a teenager, I am kindof holding back from him....as don't want him to think of my way of doing things is "normal" - i try to encourage and support his engagement with the outside world and help him meet up with friends......I don't want him to end up like me.

A really good book I recently  (Nerdy, Shy and Socially Appropriate) has really good chapters on relationships and parent hood.  The author describes how in terms of child rearing...she has a good balance with her partner - he is spontaneous and fun, she practical and pragmatic....their child has learnt who to go to when meeting their needs.

Well that's me folks.... going to rest my typing fingers now....