Published on 12, July, 2020
Would love to hear from anyone whose marriage has been affected by Asperger. I feel so guilty because I married someone not knowing the possibility they had Asperger and after many years struggling to cope we parted. My husband was never diagnosed but looking back on his life and listening to what he told me, he was a problem child to his mother and was asked to leave school. He's highly intelligent and I still love him to bits but I just couldn't cope with the lack of communication, affection, dreadful mood swings and hobby obsession. He couldn't seem to cope with children so my daughter stopped bringing my grandchildren to visit. The worst part of it is a friend's husband has been diagnosed and she copes but I couldn't.
Hi there!
I am 42, female and Aspie....now in my second marriage and have a 13 year old son from my first marriage.
Very much a late bloomer when it comes to relationships. My first kiss (awwww) was with someone who later confessed that they felt sorry for me!
I got married when I was 25 having met having moved from the South East of England to the South West to be with them. We got married 9 months later. After the birth of our son 5 years later he became very distance (there is a strong possibility that he was on the spectrum himself). I lacking in self confidence craved his attention and to feel connected....he withdrew, so I withdrew also and single handedly looked after my son and he moved into the spare bedroom.....over the years the decline of..."i don't love you,but I still like you".....and then the liking went.
It was only when it got so psychologically challenging to be under the same roof with someone I loved who didn't want me that we then mutually decided to end the marriage after 12 years....i was heart broken and he was never able to tell me what I did wrong and what he needed from me...even if I marriage could have been saved.
I still find it extremely difficult to deal with the shame of being rejected by someone...(my mum walked out on me when I was 14, then kicked me out when I moved in with her a few years later).
After a couple of years of being on my own (much wound licking and a breakdown)...i met someone online...we got married 3 years ago. I have asked for three things from them..."you don't have to love me, but please be kind", "no lies or games", "hold me tight at the end of every day so I can feel safe"...
He says he loves me but doesn't get my head space..which is one of the reasons I talk here. I don't believe that he loves me - but that I me trying to protect myself and keeping him at a distance. He is very spontaneous and social...I am Aspie and am scared of other people and social situations that I cannot control. I do feel guilty for not being an ideal person to be with. I know that I am challenging...i try to make up for it for helping him in practical ways - keeping the house clean, helping his 3 daughters (they live with their mum).
From a book I recently read...the advice re: relationships was as follows:
1. divide up household tasks and responsibilities according to each others strengths
2. sometimes you have to apologise even though you don't know why
3. Autistic people have good days and bad days.
4. sensory sensitivities might mean you have to get creative in the bedroom!
5. Spontaneous affection can be challenging when you're on the spectrum
6. Sometimes the NT partner will need to compensate for the ASD partners social skills deficits
7. Aspies need plenty of time alone.
8. Compromise is good
9. Triggers are real and they are not going to go away!
10. Communication will be hard...Don't give up!
11. There are many ways to express love
12. There are things that I will never understand about my partner
I love my son to bits...but as he is now a teenager, I am kindof holding back from him....as don't want him to think of my way of doing things is "normal" - i try to encourage and support his engagement with the outside world and help him meet up with friends......I don't want him to end up like me.
A really good book I recently (Nerdy, Shy and Socially Appropriate) has really good chapters on relationships and parent hood. The author describes how in terms of child rearing...she has a good balance with her partner - he is spontaneous and fun, she practical and pragmatic....their child has learnt who to go to when meeting their needs.
Well that's me folks.... going to rest my typing fingers now....
That's a very good list! 1,7,9,10,11 resonate with me.