Marriage and Asperger

Would love to hear from anyone whose marriage has been affected by Asperger. I feel so guilty because I married someone not knowing the possibility they had Asperger and after many years struggling to cope we parted. My husband was never diagnosed but looking back on his life and listening to what he told me, he was a problem child to his mother and was asked to leave school. He's highly intelligent and I still love him to bits but I just couldn't cope with the lack of communication, affection, dreadful mood swings and hobby obsession. He couldn't seem to cope with children so my daughter stopped bringing my grandchildren to visit. The worst part of it is a friend's husband has been diagnosed and she copes but I couldn't. 

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  • i am  a wife of an aspie and i am too late to solve it.I only now know my husband is aspie.I have felt rejected unloved and uncherished to my detriment.I have reacted to this and of course now it is my fault he says  .he says now (by email ) its gone for him .... as a result of conflict recently .We have been happy we are both sucesfull we have great children .I keep blaming myself but i have been seeking affection thats all- so of course kicking off a bit ..relying on wine to numb my feelings of rejection  over the years .I am not a gush person so largely i am ok with no pda. but the lack of care when i cry kills me.i see his love in other ways now i know.Even still  he is now in denial having at first thought i might have a point re AS.Has since backtracked .Think he does know though that something off.I have always sensed some thing off but could not put my finger on it.I liked he was kind quiet etc now i see he was processing..I have said to him i will now fully accomodate him if he can just say hold my hand in bed sometimes.Maybe spoon a bit.MY psychologist told me that my needs also should be adressed. He wants out as does not want to  work on this despite saying he would etc not long ago.

    To put context we were happy this time last year all even though i felt unloved(as knew he did really)Then things got crazy at work so i was stressed .He cant handle coming home to more stress after a day at work .... and bingo here we are,he left the house needing space and is now saying its over for him.I pled with him i said i now get it but no(onnce he has made up his mind thats that)

    i just wanted to feel loved and that would have changed everything .He now knows what i need and vice versa but has called time.He has been a misery to live with and be around but i love him.He has i think cause depression in me,and my way of dealing with  all is to jolly along /ignore it /react.

    My head says he can only help himself my heart says i will do what ever it takes and yet feel divorce now only option based on his departure which was brutal.Children not speaking to him .They see the chicken egg dynamic-which has now changed .

    irony is i understand him fully now and he has gone-i have had the most awful week.i said have time and space but he says done for him.

    i will need to just leave it then as i know he will not move on this.Meet me halfway or get it.

    I am very sad.I love him aspie  and all and would have made it work-though a hard gig.

  • I feel for you so much. To love and to deal with an Aspie is so very difficult. I remarried very late in life and had no idea my husband had problems until after we'd been married a while. All his oddities I put down to his great change of lifestyle and thought he would settle. It was a lot for us both at the time having our own families and finding a home to share. It wasn't until we had been married for a few years did I decide to get some help as I couldn't cope with him and I was so desperate. After I'd poured out everything about my husband to the Counselor I had chosen and she'd listened to me fully, she said her husband was an Aspie and had so much in common with mine. It was like a weight off my shoulders to know he wasn't just bad-tempered, selfish and hated children for no reason (to name but a few symptoms). She also said her marriage was difficult because of how he was but she chose to struggle with it but also said she knew of many people who had to walk away. I loved him more deeply than I had ever loved anyone but one evening, I took myself into the garden and cried brokenheartedly wishing I could die. It was at that time I knew we had to part and we are now divorced. I still love him and won't ever feel any different. I'm on my own now and have no plans to meet anyone else.

  • thank you for your reply

    i have heard nothing from my husband other than a text to say its gone for him ,,, the spark i want

    all i wanted was a bit of warmth -we all know sparks come and go in 20 years of marriage-and i dont feel that spark always either, but he is off, leaving behind his family and blaming me for all actually i think using his lack of affection as evidence that spark gone-he even says he feels no emotional connection -its me who needs that.

    Running away, blames me , tells me by text its gone for him-not very adult and not very kind

    Its all so confusing .

    Its all a mess

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  • thank you for your reply

    i have heard nothing from my husband other than a text to say its gone for him ,,, the spark i want

    all i wanted was a bit of warmth -we all know sparks come and go in 20 years of marriage-and i dont feel that spark always either, but he is off, leaving behind his family and blaming me for all actually i think using his lack of affection as evidence that spark gone-he even says he feels no emotional connection -its me who needs that.

    Running away, blames me , tells me by text its gone for him-not very adult and not very kind

    Its all so confusing .

    Its all a mess

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