Another newbie aspie

Hi Kacey and everyone,

I went to see my GP this morning to talk about getting a referral for an AS diagnosis. I was quite anxious about it, but it turned out great and she was very happy to refer me to a specialist diagnostic centre in my area. 

So step one is overwith. Now I just wait for the referral to go through to get an appointment at the diagnostic centre. 

It feels good to take that first step.

That is so very true how exhausting it is to keep a mask on all day. In my line of work I have to interact with a lot of different people all day long, and it is soooo tiring. i find just sitting in an office with other chatty people who talk all day long so tiring in itself. I am always the super quiet one as I never can think of much of anything to say.

i completely agree about how that can all build up into heightened anxiety and depression too. Then it becomes overwhelming and feels impossible to manage. at that point, I either end up completely crashing with depression, or I am so hyper with anxiety that I cant sleep, or get so frustrated over something minor then lose my temper at someone. Then I beat myself up with guilt after too.

it is great to meet someone who has similar experiences and shares the same feelings. And is willing to talk about it. I would be very happy help however I can as we both go through this journey.

I saw a quote the other day that I really liked (and you might too): 'I am not falling apart, just transitioning to greatness'. I would like to think so anyway!

Good luck with the confidence building course. I would be interested to hear more about that. I am sure it would benefit me to do something like that too.

That's good advice about acting confident.  You're spot on about bullies identifying any signs of weakness.  I'm attending a confidence building course just now at the local hospital and trying to remember to keep my head up and shoulders back.

With regards to the act we put on, my psychiatrist told me that keeping that face on all day in front of everyone until we can get home and be ourselves is both physically and mentally exhausting.  

It has to result in heightened anxiety and depression if it keeps building up inside us like a pressure cooker til it boils over don't you think?  I also tend to go into myself for days when I've tried to keep up the act too long.  I tend to beat myself up because I didn't realise why I did it until just a couple of weeks ago and thought I was just being rude to people.  

It's such a comfort to hear someone else does the same thing.  Good luck and keep in touch and maybe we can support each other?

Wow that is very interesting that we have had similar experiences. That is really terrible that you have had to leave so many jobs due to bullying. Why are people so awful to each other at work??I have asked that myself so many times and never really understand where all that nastiness comes from other than to put it down to human nature (greed, selfishness, jealousy, etc, etc). 

Some people seem to enjoy all the drama and intrigue and look for 'victims' to bully who appear weak. i guess that makes them feel stronger. I generally try very, very hard to avoid crossing paths or working with people like that, but sometimes you have no choice.

Being a shy introvert sends out the signals to the bullies that you are a potential victim, so I try to 'pretend' that I am confident at work (as much as I am able). Many years ago I took a self-defence class run by the police (for women) and the big point I took away from that was do not look like a victim: always walk tall, keep your head up, look like you know exactly where you are going, etc. If your body language sends off the signals that you are scared or nervous, others will recognise that and see you as easy prey. I always try to remember that. It doesn't always work though, as the really bad bullies can suss it out if you are faking it.

That is interesting what your psychiatrist said about female aspies being good at putting on an act of normality. I can definitely relate to that as I do it all the time in a work situation in particular. Most of the time I can pull it off, but when my energy levels are low, or I feel depressed or anxious, it is too much mental energy to keep up the act. Then I slide back into being very quiet and withdrawn. 

I will certainly let you know how I get on with my GP next week. 

Hi Grace, 

That's such a coincidence! I wasn't bullied at school either.  I was so quiet I blended into the background lol.  I had a Saturday job and worked with a boy who asked me which school I went to - I'd been in his English class for 18 months .

I've had to leave 5 jobs now due to bullying related depression and anxiety.  This last episode has left me homeless too and dependant on friends so I feel I've reached rock bottom and the only way is up.  I've gained alot of experience over the years and I believe i can use it to work for myself. There's a scheme being run in my county to help which I'm going to be joining soon.

I have always felt like an outsider but everyone just thought I was shy and a loner and had very low self esteem.  In fact, people don't believe me when I try to tell them I have Aspergers because I've learned how to put on a facade and I come across as 'normal'.  My psychiatrist says female aspies are good at that.  I don't know if you can relate to that?

I'd be really interested to hear how you get on next week - can you let me know?

Hi Kacey,

Thanks for sharing your experiences. That is so awful getting bullied. I know all about how that feels. Oddly, I wasn't bullied at school when I was younger, rather it was my older siblings who bullied me. My coping methods were either fight back (and always get beaten as I was so much smaller than them), or run away.

Later in my adult years when I found myself in a work situation getting bullied on several fronts (by several different people)- it was tough. I initially fought back and managed to win a few battles. But then one came along that refused to back down and that finally led to my resulting anxiety, stress, depression, etc. I had to leave the job in the end.

You are very lucky that you came across someone who recognised the signs and referred you so that you can get help now. 

I would love to be self-employed too but sadly don't have the skills to run my own business (that would earn me enough of a salary to pay a mortgage). But good luck to you in doing that. 

I see my GP next week so fingers crossed!

Hi Grace and everyone,

Due to personal circumstances at the moment I don't get the chance to get online as often as I'd like so sorry for not replying sooner.

I had no idea about Aspergers until I was bullied at work almost 10 years ago and saw a counsellor through occupational health.  She had a daughter with it and recognised the signs and arranged for me to visit an occupational psychologist who made the diagnosis.  

I was still plagued with anxiety, stress and depression and have somehow made it through the intervening years until i broke down in February this year. 

A few weks ago I saw a psychiatrist y GP had referred me to who confirmed the diagnosis and told me that the depression etc was a result of the Aspergers and no amount of medication will help me (I think I've been on every anti-depressant known to man!) The way of overcoming it is understanding the condition and learning ways of coping with it.  

I've been in touch with the local ASD advisory centre who are offering 1:1 support and arranging for me to attend a course.

I have similar concerns about employment.  I've been bullied so many times at different jobs that I think the best option for me would to become self-employed and I'm starting to explore the possibility.

I really wish you well with your GP.  

Thank you very much for posting your experience of getting diagnosed. It does help me a lot to hear about other people's experiences as compared to my own.

I also have been wondering (after paying an extortionate amount of money to see a private psychiatrist as my GP refused to refer me via the NHS) how he could have 'missed' my AS symptoms? He seemed to focus a lot on my childhood (which was not a happy one) rather than my coping mechanisms. He was visibly shocked when I told him about my experiences. All I really got out of that was a prescription for anti-depressants and sedatives to help me sleep. I suspected that he was used to treating rich housewives who can't cope with cheating husbands, etc, and need some pills. He certainly didn't appear to have ever treated someone as complicated as me.

The psychologist for CBT training was no better. She made a comment one day that shocked me: 'For someone like you, you seem to be doing really well in life holding down a job, having friends, etc'. I said 'please define what 'someone like me' means?'. She stumbled a bit and just said 'someone with your difficulties'. So she recognised my 'difficulties' but that was about it.

Despite those experiences, I can definitely see the logic in getting a formal diagnosis of AS though. I am sure it would help me in coming to terms with myself and my struggles in life. I also think it would help my friends, family and partner to understand better also. 

Perhaps what scares me is being labelled by society as 'disabled'. It is a very judgemental world we live in and we have to compete for just about everything in life. I am worried that I would find it harder to apply for jobs, for example, if I had to declare that I had AS. 

But on the other hand, I do think I am ready to explore this with my GP. I have made an appointment to see her next week. My previous GP (for the past 5 years) would not even refer me for depression, but this new lady seems more open minded. It may be worth discussing with her and take it from there. 

Wish me luck!

And thanks for your help.

Hi Grace. I'm not going to bore you with details, but I've had similar experiences, including the incredibly harmful CBT with a psychologist (so if she's so good, how come she didn't 'spot' my ASD, I wonder?) so I totally understand what you're saying. Had it not been for my current GP, I'd still be floundering about. Given the strength of my faith, you can believe that I really do thank my God.

When I got my diagnosis, quite honestly I was dazed and stunned, still am, a little bit. But, I'm finally finding out who I am, helped by finding a community of others like me on here, where everyone is understanding, supportive and helpful, and we're all trying to work through our stuff with our own kind. It's the first time in my life that I've felt unconditionaly accepted, even if I occasionaly make a complete berk of myself! I finally feel like I belong.

Maybe if someone had said before that I might be AS, I'd have looked and thought possibly, but 'possibly' isn't definitely. The formal diagnosis removes any doubt, and I like facts, not speculation. That's what I've got against self-diagnosis - it leaves the question open, and I couldn't bear that.

Others, however, are content to self-identify, and that's fine too. It's really about what, and how much, it means to you - it's a very personal thing that we can each only decide for ourselves. I'm glad that I got mine, and very very grateful for it.

Hi,

I am exploring the idea of speaking to my GP about getting a formal diagnosis but am not sure yet. Something about being formally diagnosed scares me a bit. I am not sure why. I didn't have a particularly good experience last year in seeing a private psychiatrist who diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. He seemed very shocked and judgemental when hearing my life story. I also went to see a psychologist for CBT training and she had the same reaction. i am not sure I want to go through that again.

I am wondering how others found the experience of getting diagnosed with AS? 

Hi, I was diagnosed AS not so very long ago, and it's certainly started me on an interesting journey to myself. I'm just grateful that this forum exists, I've finally got people I can talk to.

I agree with Octogent - there's a danger with self-diagnosis. Although I don't think I'd go as far as to call it audacious in most cases, I think that some people are too ready to accept themselves as a 'loose' fit. Given the current state of diagnostic services, we are pretty much left to just offer help, support and guidance how and where we can, and part of that is to simply accept self-diagnosed people and encourage them to seek a formal diagnosis if they think they need one.

We're all well aware of what happens to AS people who are undiganosed, simply because we've all been there. At last, an explanation for all the 'difficulties' we've ever had in the NT world, thinking we're struggling to be the same as everyone else, yet knowing that we're different without understanding what the difference is. Most frustrating. And Grace, you're right - turning to so-called friends and colleagues for help, only to be left high and dry, intensifies the isolation we feel. I've tried the same, and always ended up in tears.

Kacey, I think you're lucky for the same reason that I think I'm lucky. Judging by other people's experience, as well as my own, I really appreciate that my GP got on board with me and helped me to get the diagnosis I needed. At the same time I feel terribly hurt when other people are struggling to get their GPs to understand them at all!

Good to see you posting and hope there's plenty more to come

Hi Kacey,

I just joined this forum too. I can totally relate to your circumstances as I am a 50 year old woman who has had a similar recent experience at work in a bullying and very negative toxic environment. I toughed it out for about four years then was on the verge of completely falling apart And had a lot of anxiety and depression also. I Struggled to find support too. 

I turned to friends and work colleagues who I thought were friends but no one could understand or help. I ended up just leaving the job and trying to move on. It has been really hard. I have discovered a lot about myself though along the way and have let go of people in my life who haven't been supportive. I feel now like where some doors are closing, others are opening.

you are lucky you have a good GP and have had a diagnosis. i hope things get better for you now.

Hi - I think I am aspergery.  Certainly I'm on the autistic scale.  I am 80 years old.  When, from memory, I survey my mother's side of my family, I see lots of people who have autistic traints, including a cousin who could easily qualify as an idiot savant, except he's not an idiot.  He was brilliant at computers when most people had never heard of such things.  His wife pounced on him at university when she realised what a catch - and what a nice bloke - he was and has protected him ever since, and they have had (clever) kids of course.

Throughout my life I have sought out girflfriends who could compensate for my social difficulties.  These romances didn't usually turn out well.  Now I look back over my life I feel I know where I went wrong.  Unfortunately there are no retrospective cures.

What pleases me today are signs that people are being correctly diagnosed and are being offered the support they need.  Or am I wrong about that?

Certainly I'd never heard autism or aspergers until I was about 30.  The first time I came across the word autism in print was in the 1960s, in reference to a book called Dibs in Search of Self.  Was Dibs autistic?  Who knows?

The book bored me but my wife was fascinated by it and - many years later - actually found herself responsible for looking after an autistic boy at a hospital school.

The kids in the school had a variety of disorders but the pupil whose company she enjoyed most was the autistic boy.

There's a warning from comments about the Dibs book.  Should lay people have the audacity to diagnose autism in themselves or in other people?

Being simple minded, I think anyone whose shy, lacks social skills and cannot understand other people, or understand animals, is on the autistic scale.