Autism household in full flow.

Many thanks for your reply Jenn - it seems ages away, but when I finally do get my assessment I'll post back here with the result.

Telstar,

Well thank you for taking the time to read my reply. 

I know I have been very lucky in meeting my husband. We have been married for almost 19 years and we met in a very "aspie" kind of way. I was quite young when we met, but if I am honest, apart from a 2-3 "friends" that I know truly love me and who I adore, but only see once in a while, he is my only real true friend. He is my best friend. Do we get on all the time? Mostly, as we understand each other extremely well, even before our diagnoses. Do we argue? Occasionally and it is usually in part because of "how I say" something, rather than "what I" say. That is our biggest issue. Then you have the fact that because of my very black and white, yes or no, thinking, and his, we can find it hard to really take in each other’s points of view in a disagreement. However, luckily for us, we don't like atmospheres, we never disrespect each other, we never call each other names or put each other down, we do not get physical and usually within a short time span, we either work things out or agree to just disagree and move on. This along with full honesty, lack of manipulation and building a strong foundation has helped us stay strong over the years. I could never imagine being with anyone else. And if something ever happened I knew would be with anyone else, as I would be also quite happy on my own. I like my own space and to do my own things, but I also like to have a partner that does his own thing as well as wanting to share with me. We are opposites. I am a go-do, person and he is a chilled out layer back guy. I am the motivation and the organiser and he is the performer. So we fit.  But I think had I not found him and him me, I think we both would have been on our own. And again, we would have both been quite happy with that, too.

I am sorry that the time scale so long. I think it is different in each area. If you read by blog, you would see that mine was 6 weeks from GP to Psych, and I got my dx paperwork about 4 weeks after my assessment. So, I do know I am lucky. The area where we live is losing funding, hand over fist, and the "professionals" involved are getting fewer and fewer, that the lists are now starting to get longer. This is with both adults and children. My children are meant to have 6 monthly appointments, but they are only seen once a year because that is the nearest "6 monthly" appointment they can get. But again, since they are home educated, they have very little outside support. And if I am honest, there is little that they need as we provide their support and teach them in a way that suits their individual learning styles and at paces that suit them.

Anyway, I truly wish you all the best too, I hope you get the results you are looking for.

Jenn

Hi Jenn B,

It's very affirming to read how you look at the positive aspects of being an Aspie, not only for yourself, but also for your family.  It's great that your boys will have a choice in their future employment, so they can choose the one they feel suits them the most.

I totally understand about lack of attachments too - I have never been involved in a relationship at any time in my life, and though I used to wonder why, I've now got a completely different view on it, appreciating the other things I've done instead of a relationship.  If it should ever happen, great - and if it doesn't...also great.

After my Initial Assessment, they wrote to me and said that the waiting list for a Full Assessment in this area is between 18 months to 2 years, so it's going to be a long wait, but hopefully being on this forum and getting support from it will help.

All the best to you and your family, and it's good that your boys will have a positive outlook to help them along. 

Telstar,

Thanks for your reply and interest in my post.

I certainly feel more positives from being Aspie. I think, from my experiences, through other forums, facebook groups and even AS groups in person, that people have a tendency to need a certain amount of reassurances and confirmations that their "negative" ASD or suspect ASD traits are similar to others. In a sense, it helps to make people feel part of a group, when they quite often felt distant in the past. When I first suspected about my Autism, following the research about my youngest son, I saw so much negativity, that I was, in fact, even more anxious, if that could have been possible, about the possibility of being AS. The other females I read about seemed to gravitate towards their negativities so much so that I had to remove myself from many groups. Along with the many people's literal thinking and inflexibility of though, I found so many misunderstandings and in-fighting, which I just found upsetting and it was bringing me down. I personally am not someone who gets regularly depressed, although I know that many with ASD do, and I respect that as I know not everyone copes in the same way. But on reading, I viewed, the majority seemed to either express anger at others for their lack of awareness/acceptance/knowledge but spent little time actually trying to educate them. This anger tended to misdirect them from their tasks of trying to undertstand themselves better. There were parents who were still in the what I call the "whoa as me" stages, of focusing on the loss of "their" own dreams for their child rather than focusing on how to actually "help" their child. I understand that too, but I think for me, I wanted to help my kids and not see it all in such a tragic light. And so, it made me more determined to view things differently.

Although, my initial experiences were negative and my obsession to find out more, through my own research, it gave me a way to self-evaluate my own life. And I literally made a two column list Positive/negative. But once finished, I had realised, that so many amazing and wonderful adventures had occurred in my life because of my view of life, my attachments or lack thereof, my focus or distraction, my need for justice/retribution or desire for stability/peace. These are all choices I made in my life. Was my life hard? Absolutely it was. Not necessarily because of my AS, but more because of circumstance, but it was, I feel, because of my AS that I survived and why I thrive today. It is why I was able to help my husband create a Multi-National, Multi-million pound business, from scratch, why I am able to take chances, why I strive to learn more, do more, be more than I was yesterday. It is in every choice, experience I have. Yes, you are right, hyper-focus can be a great tool for employers to take advantage of, attention to detail, looking at things from a more simplistic or more detailed view. I know personally, I like to have positivity in my life always. Perhaps it is an Aspie thing, but I can and do cut people out of my life that have negative vibe to them. I am a protective parent. I know my children can be vulnerable to others, their opinions, their action etc. So, my friends and family circle are of people who can be that very positivity that I bring to them. 

As a parent, I want my child to grow up and learn and know that there is nothing "wrong" with them, they just see things differently. And oh what a boring world it would be if everyone were just sheep and the same. It was for this reason and others that I came out of my "autism" closet. It is for them, that my husband and I  and after being asked by our Psych, to come and speak on the ASD circuits and ADHD forums, to help the NHS with standards and guidelines for other ASD patients in our area. We have taught him and his team so much more than they ever thought possible by being able to express ourselves and convey our needs, where others struggle. We want to say, yes, we struggled, but we can and have been successful. We want to show our children that they CAN do and be what they want, but they have to find a slightly different path. Yes, you can be social. Is it hard? Yes, but with these tools X, Y, Z etc you can do it. And yes, we are your parents and we are proud of whom we are and you should be too. The only way they are going understand what we are trying to teach them is by being their example. So, we put ourselves out there. 

I agree, with you that many more employers, should take advantage of our skills. Take advantage of those of us that have some really amazing special interests that could create so many things in this world if only given the opportunity. While my currently business is just a small family business, it is our intentions to help teach both our boys about business, to ensure that in years to come they won't have to rely on an employer to provide them work, but they can do it for themselves. It will help them move towards independence when they are older. But perhaps they would like the routine of having an employer and that is fine too. But we want to give them the opportunities to thrive in their own way and at what they have motivation to learn and be a part of.

Verbal instructions can be difficult, but it takes an employer no real additional effort to also provide written procedures on how to do a job etc. Both my boys need both verbal and written instructions or to have them broken into bits. My eldest still at 10 has a list on his wall to tell him how to clean him room. Not because he doesn't know, but he can find it hard to know where to start, the thinking then can become overwhelming, which then can result in no action. Not because he doesn't want to do it, but because he just feels like he can't. But when he can see it in front of him, that ability to check things off, know they are correct, recheck and complete the task, brings much needed self-esteem and confidence, because he has achieve a goal on his own. 

I know that before my assessment, I was constantly talking about ASD, obsessively so, that I think my poor husband just shut me off, (which can be a good thing for us at times). I think after a while I sound like a teacher on Charlie Brown, where all he hears is me saying " blah blah blah blah" *LOL*. But I wasn't trying to fit myself into anything; I was trying to make "sense" of everything. I was anxious because I wasn't sure. I had a preconceived view of what Autism was based on the media, sadly much like others and that view just wasn't me. Sadly, Rainman comes to mind. And as we all know, that just isn't an accurate picture. 

But what I will say, is that once I went through my assessment and had the details in black and white, well I had to send the first DX papers back because there were over 15 grammatical/spelling errors, it was a relief. First, I realised that having noticed the errors and wanting them corrected, perhaps personally, confirmed the further the AS result, and secondly it gave me a freedom. A freedom to not feel as though I needed to try to conform to the social constraints I had struggled with a majority of my life. That I could allow myself to feel less guilt for not being "like everyone else", that I could just be me. It wasn't an excuse for me, it was a reason. And that to me made all the difference. 

Support it will really depend on the area you are in. Personally, I can't say I have had much "support" through the NHS, but this is more because I haven't any learning difficulties and any deficiencies I do have, my husband helps me with and vice versa.  This is an area that I am trying to work with the NHS about to help others in my region. And as usual, red-tape and money are always part of this, but I am certain we will get somewhere with this. I am aware that what we help put in place now, will affect my children in years to come, so it is important that we help shape their future support.

I wish you all the best and good luck with your assessment. I hope you do not have to wait long as I know the anticipation is acute.

Jenn

Hi Jenn B.

I was very interested in your post, as it mentions something that has really become clear to me in the last few days, about the positive aspects of ASD.  I only recently joined the forum, having had an Initial Assessment for ASD in June, and am being referred on for a Full Assessment.

Since discovering in May that I may be on the spectrum, I've recognised many ASD traits in myself, some which I now recognise have had a negative impact on me through life, but when looking at the positive aspects of ASD, I can recognise several in myself which I feel are an asset, for example: attention to detail, logic over emotion, focus, and so on.

Last weekend in a bookshop, I was looking through the pages of a book by Temple Grandin, the autism activist, and in one section she too, mentioned many of the positive aspects of ASD.  One of the functions of the NAS is, of course, to help the public understand these positive points, but it would be good if the neurotypical world in general could see more examples.

How that could be achieved I'm not sure, but I understand from speaking to a helpline worker that there are autism-friendly employers for instance, so we just need to make sure that all employers eventually become autism-friendly.

One of the difficulties I've had throughout my working life is not understanding or comprehending some verbal instructions which I know is a problem for many on the spectrum, and it's only been since my recognition of possible ASD in my own case that I think this might be the problem.  However, there have also been some areas of work in which I've done very well, especially including the point mentioned earlier about attention to detail, focus, etc.  I'm only suggesting these points at the moment, as I won't know until my Full Assessment if this applies to me.

But I know that, given the right support, it should make things much easier for me, which again goes to show that the positive traits of ASD, if made clear more often to the neurotypical world, could benefit everyone and help more understanding of autism by NTs.