Advice needed for meltdowns please!!!

I dont believe in bad dogs either

Love and Leadership

Reasonable discource works just fine as long as they see you as a friendly figure as opposed to some faceless goon of a hostile world attempting to "trick" them with silken words.

oh and little mans ok w me. hes always been sunny and forgiving, but id rather not need the forgiveness of a toddler

I have had the privilige of being vauguely involved in the lives of littleman and his aspie sister and have witnessed how, in a household that doesnt see them as broken, an autistic child doesnt rebel but responds to leadership, has few and mild meltdowns, becomes more outgoing every day. I swear 90% of an autistic childs stress and the difficulties that brings are caused by the conflict between what the child is and what the parent wants it to be. I know I certainly chose the rebel role because try as I might conformity and parental approval were beyond my reach.

I hope you are recovered from that? How does the child react when it sees you now?

Reasonable discourse doesn't work very well with a lot of autistic people. You used reasonable force in your situation but most people would argue that the OP was also using reasonable force by restraining a child and removing a toy like that.

There are parents who, unfortuantely, lose control of their children. Do you think a rebellious, abusive child that hits its parents should be controlled with reasonable discourse? You can't remove a child's fists (i.e. its weapons). How do you define limits and restore order in situations like that?

racytrace72 said:

All he has said tonight about attacking me is that he didnt mean too.....isnt that what domestic abusers say to the abused!!!

I wasnt going to weigh in (because ive been working on my restraint) untill you compared your child to a dosmestic abuser but you have admitted the practice of violence against your son (unless you telported the car out of his hand rather than applying your superior force. So get this...remove the application of force from your interactions with your son and stop teaching him to apply force in his own conflict resolution before labeling him an abuser. Im really not seeing why this is a mystery to the NT?

Now, as to the arguing...let them. I love to argue; I suspect so do they, and its quite possible that they can manage their combative play given time to learn each others tolerances, but if you interviene every time they start taking shots at each other you frustrate their urge to bicker possibly leading to one or more meltdowns and certainly adding to the intensity of the next bout.

Ive made the suggestion before but il do so again because its solid: Martial Arts Training as an outlet for combative tendancies.

recombinantsocks said:

but outraged, how would you stop the child damaging things? 

with reasonable discourse, tougher stuff, and softer toys; and should something break well I see that as a small price to pay to avoid practicing violence against a small child.

I recently was in a situation at a friends house where my friends son (4, with LFA) ran thro a crowded room waving a modeling scalpel. There were other children present. I took the knife from his hand, and recieved an injury requiring 13 stitches, but the most distressing thing for me was the look of shock and betrayal on little mans face. He ran to his room and cried under his bed for an hour and fell asleep there. Dont use force in any situation that doesnt threaten imminant injury.

outraged said:

but you have admitted the practice of violence against your son (unless you telported the car out of his hand rather than applying your superior force. So get this...remove the application of force from your interactions with your son and stop teaching him to apply force in his own conflict resolution.

but outraged, how would you stop the child damaging things? The child wasn't smacked but was restrained and had the toy taken from him. That is what parents do when their child does something wrong. If you let this continue then it could be a toy hurled through a window next.

I am sorry you have it so hard at the moment. And yes the authorities never see any reason to hurry. It takes time for them to wade through all the bureaucracy.

It is very difficult to help people who do not want to help themselves. At 11 he is getting a bit big to attack you. He probably didn't mean to. He is probably feeling just as frustrated as you are - and probably anxious about what is going to happen to him. Having meltdowns may well be adding to his stress. And the stress and anxiety will not be helping his relationship with his brother. Don't forget that siblings are generally very good at winding each other up (and you!).

If he won't let you try to help him then you will have to experiment. Try to work out what helps him to relax and try to persuade him to do more of it. Is there any chance getting out more when the weather improves will help?

I am trying to think of somewhere or someone you could turn to. But there is a general lack of services for autism and help and support for parents of children with autism.

My nephew had a time when he kept getting excluded from school. He ended up with a personal tutor for a few months while they tried to find a school for him. You could ask if that could be a possibility especially if school is a real problem. You might need the backing of your GP for this. Your council has a duty to educate him. If school isn't working out they have to provide something. You will have to argue a severe detrimental affect on him, you, and his brother. Getting this will be fight, but it might be an easier fight than trying to deal with a stressed out and very anxious autistic child for several months while they get their act together.

But you are not alone. Bringing up a child with autism well is extremely difficult. Growing up as a child with autism is also extremely difficult.

Thanks for your reply Aspiedent.  I wish it were that simple.  As soon as my 2 boys see each other, they are winding each other up and causing trouble.  If I do something with one of them the other wont leave us alone, even though it will be their turn next.  If we do something all together then they will argue about that too.

My son expects me to wave a magic wand and make things better straightaway and wont accept that things take time.  Our referral to CAMHS has only just been received and it could take weeks or months to even get an initial appointment, let alone any help. At the present time, my son is not receptive in any way to getting help or planning anything with me to help him.  He just wants it sorted at the click of a finger and that just isnt realistic!

All he has said tonight about attacking me is that he didnt mean too.....isnt that what domestic abusers say to the abused!!!

Feeling very sad and alone

How do you deal with meltdowns? With great difficulty for ALL concerned. Is there any chance you can talk to him about meltdowns and how it feels when he is calm? Can you work together to help him identify when they are about to happen and strategies to reduce the impact when they are unavoidable?

It could be that if school is the main stressor then getting him to do something physical but something he enjoys as soon as he gets home might help. Alternatively an enjoyable but calming activity might help. It depends on him. As soon as you find something that helps, build this into his routine so it is something he just does.