Not diagnosed

I don't mind getting used to it, once I have a diagnosis. Without one, I have severe imposter syndrome and only feel safe being naked here. It's ironic - I never had a problem with shedding clothes, as a naturist, but shedding masks is a different thing altogether. 

That's good to hear.  I feel the same about the process of being deliberately naked. Is it supposed to be good for autistic people, a necessity, is it a sign sign of success, etc. At 70 and at this early stage I can't get too excited about it. I am still coming to terms with my diagnosis but I am getting deliberately naked in private! 

You didn't mislead me, Oscar.   I've looked at the DISCO format and expect what you have just described i.e. more like a conversation than an interrogation/therapy. My moan was just about how difficult and painful the process of being deliberately naked is.

Sorry if I misled you. It can be so hard for me to explain myself at times. My showing my autistic side, as best I could, was a choice because it felt like the right time and a safe place.  I paid for a private assessment when the wait of my NHS assessment was moved further away. 
The questions seemed to be designed to casually illicit responses.  When I obviously didn't understand a question it was reframed so I could. There were small activities too. Different tests, mine was the ADOS, will probably have different setups.
It was not like a quiz more like a tutorial, to and fro. However, it certainly wasn't anything like a counselling session and I never felt pressurised at any time. Being the focus of it all was the hardest thing and tiring. Then again I had a taxi & train journey there and back and it was very cold travelling.  

Many thanks for correcting my mixup. 

Oscar said:

I felt ready and was conscious that I would need to leave my usual masking self outside the building and be my other private rather vulnerable self that nobody really knows but me.

That's the most painful (for me) thing about approaching a diagnosis (which is still to be done). It's having to lay aside all of one's carefully crafted defences and dredge up the memeories we fend off because they're painful. It's having to drop the masking we've built up for years or decades and have never dropped before. It's having to parade the things that have caused us shame and guilt and that stuff is exhausting to deal with and won't just go back into the box afterwards.

Hi Julie and welcome to the community.

I'm really sorry that you didn't get the outcome you were hoping for.

In this situation. the NAS advises:

"If you disagree with the outcome of the assessment, you may want to raise your concerns directly with the team of professionals who assessed you. You can consider requesting a second opinion by going to your GP if you have had an assessment through the NHS."

NAS - What happens during an autism assessment > Assessment results and report

The first point that I quoted there isn't mentioned in the NAS videos linked in the first reply below, by the way.

If you do raise your concerns with them, this article might be helpful to share with them, in respect of how they felt you came across to them:

NAS - Autistic women and girls

It includes, for example:

"Autistic characteristics in women and girls may differ from those of other autistic people. They might seem to have fewer social difficulties than autistic men and boys, but this could be because they are more likely to 'mask' their autistic traits (though the stress of doing so can result in anxiety and overwhelm)"

Just a quick bit of info on the language around autism. which I hope is helpful:

"It is common for words related to neurodiversity to be misused. For example, people might say ‘Autistic people are neurodiverse’ when they mean ‘Autistic people are neurodivergent’.

Examples of accurate phrases include:

Humans are neurodiverse.
Autistic people are neurodivergent.
Autism is a form of neurodivergence."

NAS - Autism and neurodiversity

On a related note, in case it's of interest, "allistic" is a term that we can use if and when we want to refer, specifically, to everyone who is not autistic.

Neurodivergence / neurodivergent is commonly understood to cover people who have lots of different conditions (including autism, ADHD, epilepsy, and OCD, for example). So the kinds of communication differences / struggles that we can experience as autistic people aren't necessarily shared by all other neurodivergent people.

Sometimes, to get our meaning across, it can be better to just refer to autistic people, if that's what we really mean.

Hello JulieA,

I haven't got an answer for you as such. The following are just my thoughts:

If the following were the 2 main reasons for the outcome then if was me, I would wish to ask the provider:
How "I communicated well” was seen as a sign of neurotypicality and what does “communicated” and "well" mean in this context.  As can be seen on this website neuro-diverse people are nearly always sound, clear, and accurate communicators although they may not generally look you in the eye whilst communicating.
Also, I would want to ask whether and how “very nice” fits in to one, or more, of the assessment criteria.
I know my assessment ran to many pages and the devil was in the detail - even when simply looking at pictures in a book; I did it in a characteristically autistic way but was totally unaware of the fact.
Just one last thought.
For 4 years I had been thinking, on and off, about pursuing an assessment or not. So, by the time I went to assessment I felt ready and was conscious that I would need to leave my usual masking self outside the building and be my other private rather vulnerable self that nobody really knows but me. On the day, this was more of an intuitive thing based on the cosiness of the building, the thoughtfulness of the assessor, the lighting, the glass of water, the colour of the room, etc.   
I guess, on the day, people may be just too good at masking, too nervous, too tired, too worried, etc.  Or even just female, as they mask better or is that diferently, to men.

Hi, I would definitely appeal against their non diagnosis, women do present different and you have had years to perfect your persona. It must be frustrating after such a long wait. Not many people who suspect autism turn out not be autistic , deep down only you know who you are. It might be worth finding a specialist in female presentation.

I learned my social skills through reading psychology. An NT friend once told me she'd found it hard to learn critical analysis to supplement her natural social skills, whereas I had the opposite problem. I managed it well enough to become a successful manager (according to my staff), but it was all through books and training. Besides, management is a matter of rules and protocols with a large dollop of treating people fairly, which has always been my passion. Personal relationships aren't so simple as there are no such rules. 

Recognition of high-masking female autisim is a fairly recent thing and I'm not surprised if many of those involved in diagnosis aren't adept at diagnosing it. What do you have to lose by appealing the decision? In your shoes I'd ask for a second opinion from a diagnostician who is familiar with high-masking female autism.

I'm lucky - my NHS region doesn't offer diagnosis of adults and I've can afford to seek private diagnosis and therefore screen for those who specialise in female autism and especially late diagnosis. If that's niot available to you, then an appeal may be your best alternative.

Hi JulieA,

Whilst we wait for other members of the community to respond, I would like to direct you to some resources you may find useful.

You may find it helpful to watch this video on what to do if you don't agree with the written report (when you receive it) and how to get a second opinion. You may want to read through the criteria and tools they used to help in understanding how they make the assessment: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/diagnosis/assessment-and-diagnosis/criteria-and-tools-used-in-an-autism-assessment. Masking is also very common in late-diagnosed autistic people and you can read more about it here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/behaviour/masking 

I hope some of this is helpful.

Best wishes, 

Alice Mod