My partner has just been diagnosed

From a purely personal point of view, I would not like my partner to tell me that they had asked others for advice on how to navigate my problems. Just my take. My partner is allistic.

As for his negative feelings about being autistic, perhaps pointing him towards the many talented autistics out there - Anthony Hopkins, Daryl Hannah, Dan Ackroyd, David Byrne etc. - and the many great people who displayed autistic traits - Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Alan Turing, Mozart, Michelangelo and Picasso - might be useful.

Thank you, I don’t (believe) I see him as any different but he now sees himself as different/less than and has been taking himself down. I also want to add that when we first met he was lacking a lot of confidence as his mother would put him down when he expressed an interest in doing things. I just try to big him up and to keep positive about his future and that seems to trigger him now. But if I’m understanding you right it seems like I just need to listen and let him know I love him. Thank you, you have helped more than you can know. Also, a small follow up, should I let him know I’ve reached out for guidance? He’s incredibly private so I worry if he finds out it will make matters worse. 

Your partner is probably in a state of transition and coming to terms with a new identity, being autistic. This is, by definition, temporary. Hopefully, once the newness of being autistic has worn off, things will settle down and he will become less reactive to any triggering things you might inadvertently say. Being autistic will become ordinary for both of you.

Having said that, autistic people are autistic from birth, which means your partner has not fundamentally changed their personality. Perhaps just giving your partner some space might be the best option. Make it clear that you are there to help and support if required, but just being a bit less proactive may be helpful.

The best thing to do for any autistic person is, when they tell you they are having difficulty with something - sensory or social/situational - that causes you no problem whatsoever, just believe them.

Hi justnj and welcome.

First of all, well done for wanting to support. Many newly diagnosed people face their family questioning or invalidating their experience. Please try to take a bit of pressure off yourself as we are all human and imperfect, just doing our best.

The other thing I would offer is to be led by your partner - listen carefully, reflect back the way they describe things and maybe research stuff together so you can talk about it. Let them puzzle things out rather than trying to solve stuff for them. Communication is the key and many newly diagnosed people can feel emotional and disoriented for a while. Good luck to you both.

Thanks for this, I did have a read of the family relationships guide, I'm afraid it didn't help I just got frustrated that I couldn't relate it to our situation. I was kinda hoping for some queer folks to chime in with something relatable. 

Hi and welcome to the community! 

The NAS has some advice here that you might find helpful:

NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

You might also find this book helpful. It aims to help couples like yours (within which one just person is autistic) by improving your mutual understanding and communication. It also includes some exercises that you can complete and discuss, if you like, as part of that process:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

A couple of points to mention:

- The latest diagnostic manuals no longer use "Asperger's"; this is now included under autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder.

- Between discussing one scenario and the next, the author frequently switches the gender identity of the autistic party. This was done to avoid reinforcing stereotypes and can require some effort to keep checking, but I do think it's worth it.

You could also consider couples counselling, ideally with a counsellor who has experience in helping autistic people.

Finally - and in a more direct and literal respect - this document from the NAS explains which words and phrases around the subject of autism are preferred, based on research involving autistic people, their families, professionals, and feedback and insights from its supporters and wider work:

NAS - How to talk and write about autism