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My partner has just been diagnosed

justnj

Hi. My partner (middle-aged trans-man) has just been diagnosed with Autism and I (middle aged non-binary/masc presenting AMB) want to learn how to be a better partner as I feel like at the moment I'm constantly saying the wrong thing when trying to be supportive. HELP!

Parents

  • Your partner is probably in a state of transition and coming to terms with a new identity, being autistic. This is, by definition, temporary. Hopefully, once the newness of being autistic has worn off, things will settle down and he will become less reactive to any triggering things you might inadvertently say. Being autistic will become ordinary for both of you.

    Having said that, autistic people are autistic from birth, which means your partner has not fundamentally changed their personality. Perhaps just giving your partner some space might be the best option. Make it clear that you are there to help and support if required, but just being a bit less proactive may be helpful.

    The best thing to do for any autistic person is, when they tell you they are having difficulty with something - sensory or social/situational - that causes you no problem whatsoever, just believe them.

Reply

  • Your partner is probably in a state of transition and coming to terms with a new identity, being autistic. This is, by definition, temporary. Hopefully, once the newness of being autistic has worn off, things will settle down and he will become less reactive to any triggering things you might inadvertently say. Being autistic will become ordinary for both of you.

    Having said that, autistic people are autistic from birth, which means your partner has not fundamentally changed their personality. Perhaps just giving your partner some space might be the best option. Make it clear that you are there to help and support if required, but just being a bit less proactive may be helpful.

    The best thing to do for any autistic person is, when they tell you they are having difficulty with something - sensory or social/situational - that causes you no problem whatsoever, just believe them.

Children
  • in reply to Martin

    Thank you, I don’t (believe) I see him as any different but he now sees himself as different/less than and has been taking himself down. I also want to add that when we first met he was lacking a lot of confidence as his mother would put him down when he expressed an interest in doing things. I just try to big him up and to keep positive about his future and that seems to trigger him now. But if I’m understanding you right it seems like I just need to listen and let him know I love him. Thank you, you have helped more than you can know. Also, a small follow up, should I let him know I’ve reached out for guidance? He’s incredibly private so I worry if he finds out it will make matters worse.